The REAL Homestuck Epilogues

Meat (2)

Hello everyone! Citrus here. This chapter is a lot like the regular epilogue, but I've added a few alterations which will drastically change the upcoming story. Sorry if this is upsetting fhkjfds ;;
Happy readings!

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DAVE: bro

In the heart of the Troll Kingdom's capital city, Dave and Karkat are sitting on their couch with a foot and a half of space between them. It's a typically picturesque day outside, but Karkat has the curtains drawn shut all the way. This is part of their compromise living situation: Dave puts up with the trollish non-euclidean architecture and bizarre social mores, and Karkat has adjusted his diurnal schedule to, in theory, see the sun.

DAVE: bro you have to check this out

Karkat is leaning forward, munching on chocolate-coated beetles and totally absorbed in what he's watching. The glow from the television highlights the dark bags under his eyes. Dave reaches out and, very gently, pokes Karkat in the cheek. Karkat flinches out of his full-body slouch.

KARKAT: NOT NOW DAVE. JAKE'S ASS IS ON TV AGAIN. 
DAVE: stop ogling at jakes ass this is important
KARKAT: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO TELL ME WHOSE ASS I SHOULD STOP OGLING. 
KARKAT: LOOK. IT'S ABSOLUTELY HYPNOTIC. 
KARKAT: I MEAN, NOT IN A SEXUAL WAY, PER SE.
DAVE: of course

Dave casts a weary look towards the TV, where Jake English is shamelessly exhibiting what is definitely his best feature in front of a live studio audience. This is a regular highlight of his and Dirk's hit television show, RUMBLE IN DA PUMPKIN PATCH, a schizophrenic cross-section of rap battle and robot wrestling that Rose once described as "an exploitative, almost Dada-esque clusterfuck of circumlocutory pretension and sweaty, homoerotic astriction." Jake came up with the title for the show, and Dirk absolutely loathed it. However, before Dirk could insist on an alternative, Jake had already posted an online poll pitting his idea against "Whatever dirks lame idea is." Needless to say, the second option was much less popular.

Karkat gestures at the televised spectacle, a bit helplessly.

KARKAT: IT'S ALL IN THE WAY IT'S BEING PROGRAMMED BY THE STATION.
KARKAT: IT TOOK ME A WHILE TO NOTICE, BECAUSE IT'S NOT LIKE I MAKE IT A POINT OF STAYING GLUED TO THIS PHONY TELEVISED HUMAN GLADIATOR GARBAGE.
KARKAT: IT'S SOFT AS FUCK. THEY BARELY EVEN TRY TO MAKE IT SEEM REAL. DAVE, I CONSIDER MYSELF A COSMOPOLITAN INDIVIDUAL. A MAN OF LEARNING? BUT AS A NATIVE ALTERNIAN, I'M ACTUALLY FUCKING OFFENDED BY THIS INSULTING DISPLAY OF NAMBY PAMBY PAGEANTRY.
KARKAT: ANYWAY, THE MORE I WATCH, I CAN'T HELP BUT NOTICE THE CAMERA'S LECHEROUS FIXATION ON THIS BOY'S VOLUPTUOUS POSTERIOR.
KARKAT: CAN'T SAY I BLAME THEM, I GUESS??? AT LEAST IT SHOWS THEY KNOW EXACTLY WHAT'S PAYING THE FUCKING BILLS, BECAUSE IT SURE AS HELL ISN'T THE QUALITY OF THE SLAM POETRY.
DAVE: ok who gives a shit about that
DAVE: although it pleases me to hear you taking note of the economics of this broadcast since it is apropos to the topic at hand but more on that later
KARKAT: APROPOS TO FUCKING WHAT?
KARKAT: I DON'T HAVE TIME TO "SCOPE THE LATEST MEME," DAVE. YOU ARE COMING PERILOUSLY CLOSE TO CUTTING INTO MY IMPORTANT LEISURE TIME AS IT IS.
DAVE: leisure time
DAVE: this is all you ever do all day
DAVE: also its not a meme its much more important
KARKAT: OH, EXCUSE ME, HOT SHOT. BUT WHAT POSSIBLY COULD BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE LATEST MEME?
KARKAT: THAT WAS A JOKE, FYI. NOW LEAVE.
DAVE: jane is running for president
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK?

Dave scoots a foot and a half closer so that they can both read the news on his phone. Karkat tips his head to the side to get a better view, until it bumps against Dave's shoulder.

DAVE: got the announcement right here
KARKAT: YOU MEAN PRESIDENT OF EARTH?
DAVE: yeah
KARKAT: WHY THE FUCK WOULD SHE WANT TO DO THAT?
DAVE: i dunno crocker is just an ambitious woman i guess
KARKAT: THIS SOUNDS FUCKING AWFUL.
DAVE: oh it is
DAVE: it absolutely is
DAVE: also like
DAVE: dont tell her i said this but
DAVE: i think shes basically a fascist
KARKAT: WHY WOULD I TELL HER YOU SAID THAT?
KARKAT: WHEN THE FUCK WAS THE LAST TIME EITHER OF US HAD FUCK ALL TO DO WITH *JANE*
DAVE: no i know
DAVE: just like, a figure of speech i guess
DAVE: oh also shes a fucking xenophobe
KARKAT: OF COURSE SHE'S A XENOPHOBE!