Ishihara // ATEEZ ✔

39 |2| Nightmares

"Ah, so the answer is as clear as day on who the king is," Queen Emira smirks as she says this before putting a hand to her lips. She turns to look at Akira, who seems to not be able to talk, "Since you have already completed the mission I gave you, it's only rightful of me to fulfil my promise to you. I promised to make you a princess once you successfully carried out the mission. Congratulations," a mischievous twinkle dances around in her eyes. "You are no longer bound by your blood colour, Akira Hwang."

Akira wakes up with a jolt and she feels her pillow soaked from her sweat. Already shaking more violently than she always does after having a nightmare, she grabs her jacket and dashes outside of her bedroom, needing some fresh air. The disturbing images won't leave her mind and although she knows it is only a nightmare - her mind playing tricks on her - she is unsettled by her actions in it. She knows it's not real, but if it ever does happen...

She can't run away. She is still, by heart and soul, a soldier of Lucida.

Would she actually do it? Would she actually kill someone just so she could be free?

She finds solace on top of the Nyla tower, trying to think about something else other than her nightmare. As she leans against the wall, the nighttime providing comfort to her, she is startled when she comes to the realization that she is not alone. She hears a soft snore, and she squints in the dark to see a figure sitting on the cold floor with his back against the wall, hugging his knees to his chest and his chin resting on his knees. His eyes are closed and only then she identifies the person; it's her lieutenant, sleeping. In the open air.

Thinking that he would be cold and might get sick, she nudges him. "Jeong Yunho." As he opens his eyes groggily, she tries again. "You should go and sleep inside. What on earth do you think you're doing sleeping out here in the open?"

He takes a few moment to adjust to the face in front of him and as he realizes who it is, he chuckles lowly, "I just wanted to get some fresh air."

"Doesn't mean you have to sleep here. Get up," she kicks him lightly just so he would move. She creases her forehead when he still doesn't move; he only stares at her, his eyes as empty as they can get. "You're going to get sick."

"I can't. It's better to get sick than not being able to run away," he says.

"What-"

"The nightmares are stronger this time around. I don't know if it's because we're in Nyla now or it's because of the thought of Emira intent on hunting us down, but they're more... vivid. It won't stop. I figured if I sleep out here, I'll be able to run away. Being in a room makes me feel like I'm trapped."

If there is one thing that they have in common now, it's this. The nightmares they experienced have come back, stronger. If only they can find a way to stop them... if only they can find a way to finally find peace.

"Why are you here too? You're not planning to stargaze in the middle of the night, are you?" he asks.

"They came back for me too. It was very disturbing that all I wanted was for it to end."

"Did you dream about it again? All those people?"

She nods, confirming his question. "But this time... it's longer." Her eyes follow him as he stands up. As she shares the nightmare she had, Yunho comforts her by tapping her shoulder lightly. There is a slight tremble in her voice as she shares with him what happened as she slept. He listens intently to every detail. She reaches the end of her story while she keeps muttering, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for getting mad at you during the night of the ball. Whatever you said was right."

"Settling down here doesn't change a thing. We are still tied to Lucida, unless Emira changes or she's pushed off the throne."

"Changing something that has been embedded in our blood for years is not easy."

"That's why we have to push her off the throne."

"There is no way we can do that unless..."

"She dies."

Her head snaps to the right to study Yunho's face and his face is dead-serious. Yunho is known to be playful and is only serious when the time comes for it, and this happens to be one of those times. His face is unsmiling, his eyes are cold as he stares at her, as if asking for her agreement to join in on his plan. He doesn't offer anymore explanation on how he intends to carry out his plan, but she knows that there will never be a happy ending. Someone has to lose, and if it's selfish of her to think that she needs to win this battle, then she is.

After spending time in Nyla she has realized that she's only the product of a stupid tradition, a monster made by the principle embedded in her ever since they're born: your worth is as much as the colour of your blood. But she's different; her blood colour is black. So why does she have to stick to the rules if her birth itself was a broken rule from the beginning?

"Do you remember the first time I had a nightmare after killing someone?" Yunho suddenly asks. He still bears the cold stare, but the corners of his lips twitch slightly. "I ran out of my room and cried in the middle of the practicing range. No one else was there to comfort me except you. Well, you didn't exactly comfort me with the nicest gestures." The corners of his lips are raised higher.

She doesn't interrupt and lets him continue.

"I was crouching over and you suddenly kicked me from the back saying I was stupid to be crying over someone who's dead. You kept asking me to stop crying because I looked ugly. You were the most apathetic human I know. I was what... 16? I was older than you but you were the one who kept trying to stop me from crying over the people we killed. I did stop crying because it hurt more when you kicked me," he chuckles. "And I thought that how could a person like you exist? How can you have no emotions as you watch them fall over in front of you? Before coming here, I never saw you cry except when they told you that they couldn't find your parents. That was the only time you cried- well, maybe the other time was when you were born. Even then I wouldn't be surprised if you were born without emitting a single sound," he shrugs. "I thought to myself, ah, that was why Akira is the general. She doesn't have emotions."

Akira doesn't say anything.

"But that's not true. You do, but you don't show them. Sometimes I just see you sitting down in a corner, and you thought that no one else is around and no one can hear you, but I do. You try to find out every name of the victims you killed and you apologize to them. I know of the secret excursions you went on to their graves to seek for their apologies. You crouched in front of their graves to beg for forgiveness, because you said you had no choice. And then you beat yourself up for this is what you have to do for a living: kill to live. You take flowers from our garden and leave them behind, and run away when you see any visitors coming to the grave. You thought no one knew, but I do. I know of the regrets and apologies you spilled in front of them. They might not hear them, but I do."

"And from what you've seen and heard..." Akira finally breaks her silence. "Do I even deserve a second chance?"

"You dedicate your whole life to Emira, and where does it lead you? You follow every instruction from her, kill when she asks you to, but where do you find yourself now? If there is ever anyone that deserves a second chance, it's you. I know you might never stop regretting your past, but I know you still have a conscience. Coming here, I never thought it's possible but you're finally able to show your emotions. Nyla has changed you, you became.... more human. You don't have to hide yourself behind the pretense of having to follow the queen's orders anymore."

"The nightmares, will they stop once Emira is gone?"

"I can't guarantee that, but we won't have to kill anymore once she is no longer our queen. We'll be free."

"In the end, we still have to kill someone."

"And I really do hope that it will be our last."