The Agony of Wonder

Who was Elenya Steward? part 1

A monster.

People have asked, is she insane?

NEWS FLASH: official answered released.

Hell fucking yes I'm insane.

I'm insane to the moon and back.

I'm so insane that I know I'm insane and I don't give a fuck about what anyone thinks.

Anything else to say? Any more questions?

Before my "mental break" I used to try to live in the same box everyone else did. I wanted to fit in, just enough to feel loved. It's something I always struggled with, first because I was too goody goody and now I don't even completely understand why. I mean I know a portion of it is because I don't smoke weed, drink and party like all the other, "hipsters" at my school, but there's a missing piece that I don't really understand.

She was talking to me one day. I felt like I had made a mess out of things with her, but really she's was being immature and I was entertaining her. We had got into a stupid text argument about this joke she made that I didn't like. I was talking to Edward about getting a ride from his brother, Taylor to my college, in the same direction as them heading home.

"Do we have jazz today?" Edward asks, about the only thing he uses me for these days, asking me things he doesn't know.

"No, Mr. Stokely isn't there."
"Fuck yeah!"
Clay put on her book bag and said, "Well let's go smoke weed then."

"Oooo! Taylor!" she always got excited in  a you've got a crush on him kind of way even though we never did anything and weren't entertaining anything anymore... for a while now, "You tryna get some Elenya?"

I was going to defend myself but then I said, "Yeah," sarcastically, "I want to have sex with him in his car while he's driving and you and Edward are in the back seat."

Everyone laughed hysterically, "No, no, no, you should give him road head while he's driving and he can roll a cig on your head," she mimicked his sounds and everything.

I blushed from embarrassment, "You think I still like him. You don't believe me do you?"

"No. I do believe you," she said earnestly. Everyone continued laughing.

"I really don't like him anymore."

"Yeah right," Edward said, what an ass hole. But maybe he was secretly jealous it was his brother.... or then again an ass hole.

"Common let's go, hey," she said to another friend, " you're invited to," and she led everyone out.

"I'm coming too, I'm a pothead now," I joked and everyone laughed awkwardly, "Anyway about that ride, should I just come back like in 45 minutes?" I really didn't feel like walking a mile today.

"Yeah," they said.

I came back early and they weren't there.

➴

I wanted to tell her in class the next day that I didn't like her joke and to not bring up my sex life anymore especially with Taylor.

I messed that all up to. I got scared to talk to her in class and sent her a very assertive text message and it blew up into a text fight were she sent hand-clapping emojis.

Pretty hood for a white girl...

I don't care for or remember much but I do remember the hurtful things she said.

1. You can't take a joke and every little thing hurts your feelings.

2. I feel bad for you because of what people say about you.