room 207 | shyland ✓

twelve

that wasn't possible, though.

"sure." shane replied, the backs of his fingertips tracing up my forearm as we stared out into the ocean.

you are the only person i can ever imagine myself loving. you always have been and you always will be, and sometimes i wish i'd never met you because your sheer existence has really fucked my life up. i gulped. "you were my first kiss." i rambled instead, drawing a spiral in the sand and waiting for his reaction.

a soft, fond smile appeared on his lips. "really?"

a blush flooded my cheeks and i nodded. "uh– yeah."

"why've you never kissed anybody before?"

because it's always been you, shane. you are not anybody, you are you and it's been you since i was fourteen and it's been nobody else for as long as i can remember. i shrugged, resting my head on his shoulder and sighing slightly. "there's never been anyone i wanted to kiss." i lied, shuffling my feet together awkwardly and hoping he wouldn't see right through my transparent attempt at brushing the topic away. instead, i seemed to press it further into the conversation and deepen the wound of my lack of love life.

the thing with this whole situation was that the feelings shane had for me were most likely microscopic in comparison to mine. sort of like how small people look when you go on a plane and everyone looks like tiny ants. my feelings were not tiny ants, they were the aircraft and they consumed me in the most frightful of ways. sometimes i'd find myself sat at my desk sobbing because as addictive the last few weeks have been, in reality they would not last forever and the two of us having at thing would never be possible.

planes are my favourite kind of escape, and i often like to imagine i'm flying when things become out of control. like now. perhaps if i'm so far above land and everyone else is so minuscule that they can be squashed between my thumb and forefinger, it won't bother me when my brother sayings how glad he is i'm not gay, and i won't have to lie about girls i'm seeing or tell my parents i'm in love with someone who isn't my brother's best friend. if i lie to myself and try comprehend that, in the grand scheme of things, we really are just tiny little people in a huge world, my problems won't seem so hard to comprehend.

thinking about that made my head spin.

"how's things with your mom?" i asked tentatively, desperate to change the subject away from my dumbfounding love for him and try grapple at some sense in the disorder that is my mind.

the carefree and light smile that had been drained upon shane's lips fizzled into a lukewarm thin line, his eyebrows knitting together. "i don't know. she keeps telling me she's gonna stop..." he took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, tilting his head up to look at the sky. pitch black with a few chalkboard scribbles as stars, casting light onto the obsolete emotions that flickered across his face. "she doesn't, ry. she doesn't." his last words were a mere whisper and i reached forward to grab his hand, knotting our fingers together tightly.

"d'you ever wish you could just run away? pack up everything and leave fucking california and never look back?" he continued, turning to look at me with frustrated and passionate eyes. "i'm fucking sick of living like this, ryland, god i hate it. i hate lying to everyone about who i am and i hate that everyone thinks i'm an arrogant dickhead just because i'm friends with your brother and i hate having to rush home after school just to make sure my mom hasn't choked on her own fucking vomit. i'm tired, ry."

he fell silent and i looked up to meet his tear filled eyes. the moon cast a dewy glow across his skin and highlighted the glistens of salted emotions that brewed behind his tough exterior. deciding to finish the last strawberry, i popped it into my mouth and contemplated how to answer his rambling outburst.

"where would you go?" i asked and shuffled a little closer to him, digging my fingers into the sand and drawing shapes.

shane rested his head on top of mine and sighed heavily. "anywhere with you."

the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end as the words fell out of his mouth and i smiled up at him, leaning further into his touch as his arm wrapped round my lower back.

"i lied." i muttered quietly, shane snapping out of his daydream to greet my gaze with a bewildered and muddled expression. despite enjoying being cuddled into him, i recoiled slightly to look him directly in the eye. "earlier: when i said i'd never wanted to kiss anyone."

the beautiful boy across from me frowned and blinked in confusion, eyelashes fluttering, and in that moment falling for him felt like being hit by a truck at a hundred miles an hour. waves were crashing against the wooden groins, bubbles of foam crawling their way along the planks and floorboards as they engulfed the dry land. i reached my hand up to rest behind his head, fingers winding around strands of his thick auburn hair as i brought his lips to meet mine, confessing one secret before i did so.

"you, shane. you're the only person i want to kiss."

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this was shitty i'm sorry, i finish my exams next friday (14th june) yay. expect a pastels update in the next couple of weeks too!