Lotus || April CampNaNoWriMo 2019

ii. hating

I forgive you, mother, I can hear you

And I long to be near you

But every road leads to an end

-*-

Violet couldn't breathe. She wanted to be like the mothers in the news stories where a car falls on the child and through sheer will and love, the mother is able to lift the car and save the child's life. Only, the adrenaline was making her feel weak instead of strong. Her limbs felt soft as jelly as she pounded on the cabinet door.

She and He Shui gasped for breath, sobbing together, one locked in and one locked out. "Baby," she cried over and over.

"Mommy," was his weak reply.

Violet rammed the door with her shoulder, but it was like slamming into concrete. How could a door in a boat this old be so strong?

She knew she was acting unreasonable. This was simply a locked door. All she needed was a key. But she felt an unquellable panic rising in her stomach with every passing moment of separation -- as if the door grew strong, the distance drew farther with every second that lapsed.

"Lien!" she screamed. "Lien! Come here!"

Violet heard footsteps on the stairs. She didn't know whether to run to her husband, throw herself into his arms and beg him to unlock the door, or if she should slap him in the face. She knew which he deserved, but the rational part of her persisted, telling her that they were going to be trapped here together for a very long time. Driving a wedge between them so early on was the last thing Violet wanted to do. All she really wanted was to hold her baby son in her arms and stop his pitiful, weakening cries.

Violet leaned her head against the cabinet as her husband's footsteps approached behind her. "Don't cry, baby," she said, lips brushing over the wood of the door as she spoke. "Just one second. I'm going to get you out of here."

She felt Lien's warm hand land on her back. His palm was damp with sweat, his breathing heavy and humid on her neck.

"Lien." She gritted her teeth, forcing herself to stop shuddering from her sobs. "Give me the key. Now."

"Honey --"

"Don't. Don't say anything. Just give me the key right now."

"I don't have it."

Violet barely restrained herself from punching him in the jaw. She felt so unusually violent, full of hot rage. Love gone wrong, she felt, like fruit left to rot. "What do you mean you don't have it," she hissed through clenched teeth.

"Don't freak out," he said.

Violet closed her eyes, seeing in her mind He Shui with his ear against the door, heart flooding with terror. She turned around and grabbed Lien by the collar of his shirt, bringing his face close to hers so she could whisper to him, so quietly that she barely heard herself. "Baby," she said. "I love you. I know you're doing what you think is best, but I'm telling you, you're wrong. I know you have the key. You have to give it to me right now."

They were close to each other in the familiar space of an anticipated kiss. It was the space of Lien leaning in at night to whisper I love you and kiss her goodnight before laying her down on her pillow, his warm hands promising her safe passage through the night.

He didn't try to kiss her. He only looked down at her knees, lips set in a troubled frown. "I really don't have it," he said. "There's no point in fighting about this, Vi. It's gone. I can't get it back."