Rafael

What Is and What Could've Been

He bites his lip somewhat sheepishly before sitting down in the chair next to your bed. He immediately takes your hand into his own and it's only now that you notice Val has left the room.

"I'm sorry, Y/N," Rafa begins quietly, not quite meeting your eyes anymore. "This shouldn't have happened."

"It's not your fault." You respond easily while giving his hand a gentle squeeze. Even that was difficult beyond words to accomplish and you hated it.

  "Can I ask you something?" He asks after silence has settled over you both. He just wanted to live in the easy parts of this for as long as possible but knew it couldn't last forever.

"Always."

"I was kind of getting used to being someone you loved so please tell me, has that changed?"

Your heart feels like it was sucker-punched as you open your mouth to try and respond; you didn't know things had gotten like this for him and you hated yourself for not noticing. A million responses begin to throw themselves into the realm of possibility but none of them are good enough.

"Y/N?" Rafael forces your name out of his lips as he looks over at you now. Your eyes are far away as the sound hits your ears, making you feel like things were still normal for the first time in months.

You turn your head to face him slowly and ignoring the pain that shoots down your back as you do so. "I think I should be apologizing," Your words are spoken before you can control how they come out.

"W-why?"

  "Because everything that's happened, one way or another, has been my fault."

"Well, we can fix things, right? Go back to how it was?"

Your eyes can no longer meet his as your memories from the past few months swirl in your mind. You are transported back to feeling lonely in a New York apartment during the ballet and even lonelier in hotel rooms during the tour. The pain medication was wearing off as you thought back to each kiss that never should've been shared with Val, each touch that shouldn't have happened.

"I can't be what you want, Rafael. I thought I could and then everything got fucked up because of me."

"But you've apologized and I thought we were better," He tries to respond but the usual strength in his voice wavers. "I love you so much."

His green eyes, now watering, stare at your features and search for any mistruth in your words. This one time, he wants you to be lying.

"I just don't feel good enough for what you've given me." You blink away the tears that threaten to fall when you meet his gaze. Sniffling, you scrub at your face as a knock sounds at your door.

The doctor comes in shortly after and you assume he has been treating you for the past few days. His face is unreadable as he greets you both and welcomes you back to "the land of the conscious." He looks over your charts briefly before clearing his throat to speak, "So your condition has improved greatly in your time here, based on given circumstances. We expect a near full recovery with some physical therapy to get you there," The man pauses to gauge your reactions. "It won't be an easy road but it's one we know for sure you will handle with strength and grace gifted from your performing arts experience."

"Will I be able to dance again? At the same level and everything?" The question flies out of your mouth and you can feel your heart pounding as you wait for a response.

"You will be able to dance again, yes. The level at which you will return to, however, is undetermined as of right now. Physical therapy will be a better gauge at how the accident impacted your abilities there."

You muster a nod at his honesty and immediately begin to think through the timing of everything. Physical therapy can't take too long because you made your decision about the other principle role; you wanted it. Val has been right. It was a dream you already had, sure, but with a new company came brand new opportunity.

Rafa is squeezing your hand reassuringly as the doctor goes on. The professional's face grows solemn as he begins his next sentence, though.

"Now, Miss Y/N, there is something else we must discuss. According to your healthcare paperwork, Mr. Casal was not mentioned specifically anywhere so we were unable to give him certain information that I must share now. Would you like for him to remain in the room with you?"

You exchange a glance with the man next to you and know that whatever he has to say must be serious. There is no doubt in your mind, though that you want him by your side for this news. "Yes, please," You answer steadily.

"Very well. During your accident, you sustained many near fatal injuries but managed to avoid the most severe situations with them. While in the ER upon you being brought in, an ultrasound to check for internal bleeding showed that you had been carrying a baby."

A knife felt like it went through your chest as he spoke the last few words. The tears you had fought against so hard began to stream down your cheeks now. "I, I was pregnant?" Your voice comes out a whisper amidst the tears. The knife had been twisted now.

The doctor gives a slow nod and stays silent a moment longer to allow for you to process. Rafael's grip on your hand tightens as he finds himself now unable to look away from your stomach, from what could've been.

You look at him now and the sob that escapes from you is one that breaks something deep inside. His arms engulf you in an embrace instantly as his tears soon become too much.

He whispers against your ear after a few deep breaths he forced out of himself. "Shh, baby. I got you. We're gonna figure this out together."

The doctor's voice is much softer now when he speaks. "We guessed that you weren't aware of your pregnancy and were able to take some photos of the baby if you'd like to see them."

Rafa remains silent as he holds you in his arms. Your head is buried in the crook of his neck and your fingernails have taken to digging into his shoulders.

"A nurse can come by whenever you'd like if you choose to view the photos. We, in no way, want to rush either of you."

  You feel him nod a bit against you and the doctor soon politely excuses himself after promising to check in a bit later. Your throat burns from the noises that your sobs pulled from it and your entire body aches at a loss you never knew you had. Your fingers have grown numb after digging them into Rafa's shoulder and he slowly removes you from his hold before carefully crawling into your bed.

  As if in slow motion, he moves himself toward you and pulls you close while being extremely cautious of your injuries. His hand brushes against your ribs and you wince, causing him to immediately pull away but you shake your head.

  "It's okay," You sniffle once more. "Please hold me."

  Your conversation before the doctor's entrance is just a thought in the back of your head now as you melt into his touch. It had been too long and right now, you both needed each other more than anything.

  "Do you feel like you're falling apart?" He asks  quietly after your sobs turned to silent tears. Your mind and body feel separated as you nod underneath his chin to answer.

  He kisses the top of your head and returns to his original position before he heaves out a long sigh. "I still have you though, right?"

  At his question and at this moment, whatever doubts you had were washed away with the death of what could have been. You needed him and he needed you and it seemed almost asinine to think contrary to that.

  "Yes."

  "Then since we're broken together, maybe we can be healed together. You know, one day. And from here on out..."

  You glance up at him now as he lets the last word have a tilting intonation.

  "...we have to live in the "What Can Be."