Lorraine (Sequel To Wild Child)

Live, Love & Dance

Song for this chapter "Goodbye My Lover" James Blunt

As Lorraine

Just as I wanted, Roland and I stayed in bed for hours... exploring and devouring each other's body. To me it was not just physical connection, it was a connection to our soul. This connection with him is no longer just lust. It's like the "Garden of Eden" the mythical realm where one can access only if their feelings and emotions are sufficiently stimulated or triggered. You would only understand this if you have experienced it like I did with Roland. I decided not to ask him about that 'woman.' I figure if he doesn't ask me about my guy friends, I shouldn't be asking about his female friends. Some people may think that's fucked up, but somehow it makes perfect sense to me.

Roland is flying back to LA tomorrow. I wish so bad that he can stay here with me but all good things come to an end. When we were laying in bed at the hotel, I asked Roland what if I decided to marry him now. He did tell me that he would marry me in a heart beat. He thought for a moment too long "I told you already... I want you to enjoy your life." I am still not understanding this living my life bull crap. Why can't I live my life being married to him? Then I ask him again "Why can't we be in a committed relationship?" He takes my hand in his "You do realize I am thirty and you are only nineteen right? I am not going to be that one person that will hold you back from where you might belong." I want to ask him where else do I belong? All I know is if he really loves me, he would do everything he could to be with me. Like Shane, I know he loves me and he wants to be with me. I know he would be the one that would marry me in a heartbeat, but not Roland. I used to think Shane was just selfish, but at this moment, I think it's true love. I let out a sigh "Roland, if today is the last time we will be with each other, what would you do?" He looks me in the eyes "I would kiss you so hard and love you the best I can before sunrise." All of a sudden, I feel like this is really the last time I will see him "Will you miss me Roland Harris? Will you always remember me as the girl that gave you her first time?" He pulls me into his arms "I will never forget you Lorraine Fowler." By now I really am thinking this is the last time I'll be with Roland... my Roland. I just want to make love with him. I whisper to him "I want you to love me and make love to me Roland Harris... love me like it's for the very last time."

When morning came, Roland dropped me off back at my apartment. We held hands the whole time while we were in the car and the song "Goodbye my Lover" James Blunt came on. I tell myself it's okay Lorraine... you will be fine. I learned to control my emotions very well all these years, this was not going to break me. When we were outside my apartment, I told Roland there was no need to walk me to the door. I kissed him and I whispered in his ear "Don't forget me." Then I got out of the car and walked to the door without looking back.

The day that Roland left, I didn't want to be alone. When I walked through that door to the apartment I saw Ryan and without saying anything, I rushed into her arms. She cradled me for the longest time. She did not ask me what happened, she just held me. I knew we have been in that same position for a very long time because the sun went down and the room turned dark. I finally said "Roland left." She replied ever so gently "I know babe... I know."

I never asked Ryan why she let Roland into the apartment that day since she didn't even know him. It's been a month now since he was here and he didn't try to contact me. I know better than to contact him because if he really wants to talk to me, he would call me. And Shane, he keeps wanting to come visit me. I finally told him I will be flying home for Thanksgiving. It's not that I don't want him to come, it's just that I want more time to be just by myself. And Angel, poor Angel. His girlfriend Lucy broke up with him over the phone, she met someone else. I guess you could say Angel and I are each other's emotional support right now. I don't even know who is hurting more because I am trying so hard to be the tough person that I should be. I also spoke to Lucas too... I miss Lucas and I miss Kyle. I miss my home. I just keep reminding myself everyday that life goes on, with or without Roland. A lot of people are starting to think Ryan and I are a couple and we just let them. We feel that we don't need to answer to anyone and people can think what they want. We have guys that are so interested in us because they think we can be so happy together... meaning a threesome. And Tristan... he is still trying to date me and who knows... maybe one of these days I will say yes. I don't know anymore... what do I know right? I am just a nineteen year old college student that is still trying to figure out things in life. Maybe Roland was right... I was not ready and still am not ready to be in a committed relationship. Ryan jokingly said to me one night that maybe I should consider dating a woman... and of course, she would be my first choice. I tell her I am open to anything and if it happens, it happens. Of course, there is Angel too. One night we got really drunk and we kissed. I think there could be a chance I would fall in love with him. He told me that he actually had a crush on me when we first met... even though he was in a relationship. Of course now he no longer has a girlfriend, he thought we could maybe give it a try. I told him the same thing... who knows. I am not going to promise anyone anything because, I will live my life.