Memorize (Book One)

* A Taste of Hell *

I open my eyes and see multiple lights, swarming and dancing right above me. And it all comes back in a rush: the Fields, Starling, the twinkle, the plantations, the locket. I see the azure light, with the gracious letters that fascinate me more than everything else in the world. I see distant faces, blurred, far, so far away. I hear a woman's laughter, cascading down on me like fresh spring water. Heart speeding up, blood rushing: something undefinable is surging in my body. Heart beating yet faster, sounds emerging from nowhere, adrenaline speeding up my whole system. And then, the pain. Agony and hope are competing within me.

This could just be the beginning. But my bones are telling me it's not.

How long have I been feeling this ? I can't possibly know. I'm bathing in a timeless flow that's gnawing at me endlessly. Pain's washing over me in waves, a tidal mass of needles. Hard to identify where it comes from. I can't move my body. I can't move my head. I can just stare at the lights, and something's keeping me from shutting my eyes. But I can't help reminiscing : flashes of memory are coming back to me... I hear this beautiful laugh, over and over. Almost sentences now. I'm fighting an invisible battle from within. I catch a glimpse of a little blond girl, so pretty, and I hear her : "Daddy, come ! Come play with me !"She has the most unusual almond shaped eyes.

I want it so badly, I want the sounds and the images to be clear again. I know I can do it. But my skull's going to explode. A part of myself is shutting me from what I'm trying to focus on. Suddenly I can move my arms. I hold my head in my hands. Maybe I can stop this whole thing with my hands. Maybe I can shut the pain out, and hold the images in.

"You know you can stop it now. All it takes is acceptance," says a voice. This utterance seems to be coming from everywhere around me.

No...way !

So many sounds now. So many voices. The more they're holding them back, the more the visions are flowing in my direction. They're not making any sense at all. They are me, though. They are mine. There's a little boy now : "Dust, hey Dust, how about a ride with me ?"

I can't see him. But I know he's here with me. I can hardly make out his little frame running away from me, laughing. Why are they all laughing, I would like to know. Oh, my head... The sounds and images are all mixed now. What I hear sounds more like growing thunder. A devouring thunder that's hitting me without mercy. My blood must be boiling, I feel it turning into a thick paste. Soon it will be solid and I will die.

"You are Jay Fleogan. We are trying to rescue you. Do not yield to madness. All you have to do is surrender," says the voice.

But this is not madness. I know it.

No surrender !

I can't touch my head anymore. I can't move, yet again. Oh if I could just breathe, one good, long breath. But the air's missing, somehow. My beloved images. I can't see them anymore. In spite of the white lights, all I see is black. My eyes are watering and itching. My skin's withering.

Oh Lord, I can't take this anymore.

"Jay Fleogan. We can save you. There is life, health, happiness in store for you. All it takes is acceptance."

I can't move. I can't breathe. A never ending brawl is inhabiting my brain. The unstoppable tide of needles is journeying over me. I don't quite know if I'm seeing black or white anymore. I want to die.

"Choose life. You must forsake this useless battle. Choose life over death and madness. All it takes is acceptance," murmurs the voice.

I'd rather die.

This is when I see her. In the midst of the deepest darkness, she is the light. Deep in the pit of hell where I'm burning, she reminds me of the cool wind in the high pine trees. I'm stifling, and she's bringing me oxygen.

Hera.

I am reuniting with myself. I know I'm going to pay for this. Pain explodes and I know one sure thing : my heartbeats are leading me towards an untimely death. But I don't care. I'm clinging to this assurance : I love her. She's still there, inside of me.

And I won't give her up.

It all stops suddenly. No more sounds. No more noise. No thunder. No sweltering heat anymore. I'm just a glowing ember. I'm a wreck, but the air's reaching my lungs again. Soon I'm going to sink into oblivion until pain wakes me up again.

"Poor bloke. How long til he kicks the bucket ?"

"Wouldn't know. Dude's a pretty rough guy, if you're asking me. Don't understand why he's going through all this. Never seen something like that before, they usually give up much more quickly."

"So he's not gonna make it ?"

"The Medicators will do their best. But I wouldn't bet on him !"

"Poor guy. I wonder what keeps him going."

"He's just a freak. The dangerous sort..."

I know they'll be back soon. How long has this been going on?

I don't see them, but I feel them near me. I don't know what they're doing, but I feel I'm being moved somewhere else. I'm blind and paralyzed. But I'm alive.

And I will not surrender.