Untouched

17. Sunday/ Feels so wrong yet so right-day

Heading into the woods, I swallow the knot of guilt blocking my throat. I've avoided telling my parents about my exact plans today. I haven't lied, but I don't feel good about my vague evasive answers. This will be the last time. Probably. Maybe. A crack of branches behind me causes me to smile and I spin round.

My smile freezes mid-lift. 'Axel, what are you doing here?'

'I thought we could talk in private,' Axel says, walking towards me. I look past him, the settlement isn't visible from here.

How long has he been following me?

'Oh, ok. What about?' My stomach clenches with unease, but I can't pinpoint why. I glance around searching for Zach, not sure whether I'm willing his arrival or delay.

'I've been trying to find the right words for a while...' Axel steps even closer. He's too close. Where is Axel's usual awareness of space gone?

'Maybe we should go back to the settlement and talk about this.' I say, stepping backwards. To give me time to think of something to say which won't completely mess up our friendship.

'I don't want to delay this any longer. I want to tell you how I feel.' Axel quickly covers the space I created. His body is inches away, causing my chest to tighten.

Please don't come any closer.

'Maybe, it would be better for me to show you...'

'Show me?' I ask bewildered. Have I misinterpreted his intentions? I'm inexperienced so I've probably completely read the signals incorrectly. I sigh in relief. He's not interested in me, he wants to show me something.

He leans forward, bringing his face towards mine. Nope. I read the signals correctly. He's trying to kiss me. I dart back to get away from him and my body slams into a tree. Axel swiftly places his hands either side of my head, trapping me between the confines of his body. I can't move without touching him.

Frozen, I remain pressed against the tree trunk, holding my breath for fear I'll accidently brush against him. This can't be happening. My friend, the boy I've grown up with, who has always been kind and gentle is now determined to force his feelings on me physically.

'It's ok, Kit. I know you feel the same but you're scared to admit your feelings,' Axel's says gently.

'Axel, we're not allowed to touch. If you want us to be together we have to do it the correct way. We have to ask permission from the council,' My voice is barely a whisper. An invisible vice tightens around my chest making it difficult to breathe and to think.

'Your brother didn't. Everyone knows they were caught but the council simply moved them into a cabin. They'd do the same for us, so you don't need to be afraid. I know you want me to do this, Kit.' Axel's breath is harsh against my face.

'No, I don't.' Bile sears up my throat as I accept the inevitable. He is going to touch me and we'll be exiled, or worst I'll be forced to settle with him. Unwanted physical contact will be the last type of touch I experience which fills me with anger. My whole life I've stuck to the rules, held myself back in terms of contact, and it's all been for nothing. Axel is taking it all away and there's nothing I can do about it.

I can't stop him without touching him. 

'I don't want you to touch me,' I repeat as he reduces the tiny space between us. My eyes close, tears running down my cheeks as I wait for the feel of his fingers on me or worst his lips. I could fight back or allow him to kiss me in the vain hope he's right and the council will allow us to settle. Would I prefer to be exiled knowing I'll die out there, or live with someone who forced themselves on me?