"食む時の涙 - Hamu Toki no Namida - Eating Tears/Tears when Eating"
Lately i've been so down for some reason, the stressful life and pressure within my chest like literally and analogily, it hurts so much. Despite from my bad sleep position that caused pain on my whole body, and chest especially, the chest are hurt more from inside, it's like combination of"Kokoro ni Ana ga Aita" and closing lyrics of "Hachigatsu, Bou, Tsukiakari" i feel so empty and like i don't need anything anymore.
But the best thing is i can see the future from that, that i'll definitely die someday with some regrets and the lost of trust from ones i loved, the worst thing is i cannot speed up the "future" process cause i don't want to go to hell, i mean this life i carry on at the moment pretty much like hell already, so why do i have to go to the real hell?
Lost of trust equal to losing hope, motivation to do anything is now gone, i have a little revision on my paper yet i don't feel like to fix it, my brother is just entering college and i'm happy for him, my cute younger brother and sister are waiting to be raised as a good man and lady that it will be great if i attend to their 17th birthday or their school's big days, and other good reasons to be motivated, i don't feel like i need it anymore.
This one year was my life, i've been through all of this for one year since my favorite "Nautilus" 's MV was out, not a single day this song not spinning in my head, asking why did Amy speed-up his future, i read the novels and understand the stories, this one year i knew the whole story, left out by ones he loved, lack of everything, the only thing he wanted was notice and a single reason to stay alive but in the end he decided to end this world hell, i was thinking "Okay, this is sad story, genius by genius n-buna" , i adore the works so much, but the feeling of this amazingly deep story, hit me just now because now i'm feeling what Amy has been through, pretty much.
I was eating regular nasi padang i used to eat daily, but i suddenly cried for no reason. Suddenly my heart hurts so much and i can't help crying, there's no way i cried for the nasi padang, it is delicious yes ... but i used to it, i kept thinking why did i cry?
And here might be the answer, the regular nasi padang was way delicious, represents this world, beautiful, lustful, ambitious, and other wonderful things that keep people for seeking happiness, wealthy, and hope, also trust maybe, which i don't need anymore, yet i'm still in this world, maybe that's the cause of my sudden tears when eating. then i realize Nautilus still playing in my head.
Oct 23, 2020
-Nautilus-
