Plan Of Seduction

7. Being Abnormal

Without much thought, I leaned forward again, rubbing the tip of my nose against his neck. The thin hairs of his beard scratched me in a pleasant way, making me jolt contently. But how would he react if I told him about all of the thoughts that infested my mind? It was so annoying, but it is the only thing consuming me.

These thoughts weren't exactly healthy with my sleepy brain. If anything, it was 30x worse. Oh, fuck it. Without thinking of my actions, I pulled myself upward once more, rubbing my body against his. I caressed the end of his chin as I propped myself upward, only squinting my eyes to gaze down at Tripp. His bright blue eyes flickered to meet mine, widening slightly as I leaned in to connect our lips.

It wasn't a scene from a movie, sure, but it didn't stop me from moaning at the contact. It was perfect, but I was supposed to be sleeping. So, with much reluctance, I pulled away, sighing his name under my breath as I resumed my previous position cuddled against his chest.

"Fuck." Tripp muttered above me, his hand landing on my head once more and running through my hair. I hummed, tightening my hold around his shoulders. Yeah, fuck, why did I just do that?

_________

Two days passed and everything was going great.

Except for the fact that my dreams had become more intense. And I had started to think more deeply about how I was feeling towards my best friend. Most times I was able to redirect my train of thought, distracting myself with studying, music, or video games. But when I wasn't successful I simply found myself wallowing in self-pity, because no matter what scenario I came up with, I always put myself down.

It was odd though, I was odd. When my brother came out to me as gay I never hesitated in supporting him and his boyfriend. Well, kinda. His boyfriend was iffy, and new territory and someone I didn't know nor trust. But I definitely never used the fact that my brother was homosexual against him.

So why was I being so hard on myself? Why was it so hard for me to accept that I just might like my best friend, as more than a friend?

Because it was immoral?

I gripped the sides of my head as I rested my elbows against my thighs. It might be immoral, depending on who you asked, but it wasn't immoral to me. I've never cared about sexuality, so, didn't that exempt me from the expectations and morals I grew up in? I should be able to let go of these familial morals, my parents were never really family to begin with so why-

   You're a stupid boy, Logan, the only thing you can do is hurt and be hurt. That's why you'll never make it in life, son.

My head snapped downward, in between my legs, breathe. The words replayed in my head, and the more it did, the easier it was to convince myself that my father had a point. I didn't deserve happiness because all I do is hurt. All I do is hurt, hurt-

I hurt my brother when I couldn't protect him from our fathers words and physical assaults. I couldn't protect my mom when she started seeing someone else behind our fathers back because we were a hassle. And- I couldn't even protect Tripp.

Because I would hurt him with the truth, and I would hurt myself. And yeah, it was selfish, I was selfish. But I didn't want to be hurt either, and I didn't want to lose my one and only friend. With that resolved, I stood up from the couch, thanking the skies that Tripp had gone out to get dinner. That was better than seeing me practically breakdown with these thoughts.

I headed to his room, clambering onto his bed and falling face-first onto the pillows. I inhaled deeply, not holding back the tears that stung and gathered across my waterline. This was dumb, so, so dumb. And I hated it. I hated this. I hated my mind for creating these scenarios. I hated my body for acting this way. I hated it all.

I just,

I just want to stay by Tripp's side.

Please let me stay by Tripp's side.

_________

Another few days passed, it was now the end of the week, and Tripp has somehow convinced me to go to the party he was invited to earlier this week. It was something I had completely forgotten about. That was completely normal, however, what was not normal was why I had originally forgotten. Which was because of the thoughts that were totally, 100% abnormal.

Are you picking up what I'm putting down?

I looked down at my shoes as I sat on the couch waiting for Tripp to come out. I had been doing this a lot lately, staring off into space. I had stopped being excited about the smallest things. Now I just wanted to lay down and sleep. I never wanted to wake up.

Because every time I started thinking my chest would tighten considerably, making it uncomfortable to breathe. It was worse that whenever I started thinking, my thoughts would somehow always end up going back to how I felt for Tripp. I let out a shaky sigh, wiping the corners of my eyes.

This was insane, I'm too sensitive. I looked towards the door, maybe I should just leave. But where would I go? The thought made me snap at myself because even when I was trying to change my entire lifestyle to not face or rely on Tripp; I hated it. I wanted to hang out with Tripp, I missed hanging out with Tripp.

I just, my hand clasped around my wrist, digging into my skin there.

"You ready?" I unclasped my hand, looking towards the voice. I stood up, maybe a little too fast and held back the want to give Tripp a once-over. He looked good, but then again, when didn't he look good?

"Y-Yeah."

"You good?" I gulped, God, be cool Logan.

"I'm fine."

"You sure?" Fuck me Tripp, can you not be so perspective for once!? My skin tingled as he stepped forward, completely invading my personal space as he pressed four fingers against my forehead. I scoffed and slapped his hand away.

"I said I'm fine. Are we going or not?" I pushed past him and opened the door, cocking a brow as I looked back at him. I saw him gulp as his eyes studied me.

Finally he said "Yeah," before walking through the open door.

Someone help me.

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Notes while editing:

Ive never come out to my fam, my sister beat me to it, so now i gotta wait like a good decade so my mom doesnt die of a heart attack.

As someone who has grown up and is currently (still) in a very traditional and religious household; I clearly have family issues. PLZ KEEP THAT IN MIND. logan is only hard on himself because its self-discovery !

<3