My Publicly Private Journal

April 26, 2018

Today I skipped my class. Why not? It's Friday and it was my only class. I'm doing alright in it soI thought it would be fun but now I am sitting in my room with nothing to do! I left my Xbox back home because I will be moving back in a few weeks so I didn't feel the need to lug everything back. It's whatever though. I still have my stories that need attention so that could be something that I do. I have about 6 of them that I need to update. One of them I'm pretty sure everyone thought I abandoned but I just forget that I have it because it was just experimental. I plan to finish it though. "101 Letters to Cas" is what it is called. It's pretty much what it sounds like. Each chapter is just a short letter, peeking into the AU life that I gave the characters of Supernatural but yeah. It has been a while since I updated but I still remember how I wanted it to end. God I love plot twists. 

I thought about being a creative writing major but to have someone read my works and grade me on it is not really my cup of tea. I go on tangents a lot. If any of you have read my OLDER stories, you see that most of my book should have and could have ended by chapter 10 but I decided to add in weird plot twists. "50 Shades of SebaCiel" is one of those. I really hate that book but a lot of people seem to like it. It is one of my most popular books if I am being honest. I really hate it though. I am not a big fan of the SebaCiel ship anymore... at least not when Ciel is 13. I prefer the AU's where he is at least 18. Even then, I don't really ship it anymore. I'll read a few fanfics here and there to delve into the nostalgia of the first time I ever watched Black Butler but that's about it.

I want to go to the beach today but none of my roommates want to go and I only have one friend here that I hang out with and have that kind of a friendship with but she is always busy with her classes. I think she's taking about six this semester. Wild. I'm taking 5 and struggling. I did bring my Geology grade back up! My teacher let me retake my missed midterm because of my circumstances and my grade went from a D+ to a B-! Even if I bomb the exam... I will still pass the class but I do not intend on bombing this test. I am going to pass with flying colors! I just know it!

I've recently been added into this "girls chat" on iMessage and it had proven to be one of the best group chats I have been in! I did not know these girls (except for the girl who added me) about two weeks ago and now I feel like they are my best friends. We talk about everything and having that outlet is really good. I encourage every girl (or guy) to start one of these chats... it is a great place to talk about things you couldn't tell your friends.

Being able to sit down and update my books without having something else to do is really refreshing. I missed just sitting down and writing until my fingers hurt... or until I got tired of seeing all of the letters of the alphabet! 

This update was kind of all over the place because I haven't updated in like a month but yeah. I'm happy to be writing again but it will come to an end in the summer... I just know it. My work wants me to come back full time with a raise and I can't pass that opportunity up!

Speaking of work, one of my favorite customers passed away yesterday and I haven't really figured out how to grieve. She was the sweetest, most kind lady I had ever met and it's really heartbreaking to know that she's gone. I can't even attend the funeral because I am so far away. I'm going to miss her so much and I know her husband is broken up about it. We called them the A-Team because both of their names started with an A and they were always seen together. I've never met a couple so in love. I doubt he will ever move on from her. She was such an amazing, thoughtful woman. It's going to be weird every Sunday night when I won't see her. She's in a better place though. It really sucks. I'm scared of death... not because I'll be leaving behind my friends and family but because I don't know what's waiting for me. I've had people in my life have religious experiences which has solidified their belief and given them comfort before they died but I have never been able to find such a comfort. I call myself religious but I'm still unsure. I've bounced around so many different religions in my life that I don't know what to believe. Here is a list (in order of how I can best remember) of what used to be.

Southern Baptist

Agnostic

Atheist

Wiccan

LaVeyan Satanist

Theistic Satanist

Hindu (for like... a week)

back to Atheist 

Presbyterian.

It has been a vicious cycle but I have arrived back at Christianity. I'm not sure why. What I have discovered in my religious experiences is that all religions are pretty much the same. They all have the same base but different rules. "Don't eat this, don't do that" It's just something to show your loyalty to your higher being... God if you will. The most accepting religion I've seen though is Satanism... except for the annoying ones that are like "lol I'm satanist and ur Christian. My god will eat urs." Those people get under my skin. I just wish we could all get along and see past religion. We are all here for the same reason. Survival. We live, we survive, then we die. It's the cycle and we can't change it. 

Sorry for my little existential crisis moment.