My Publicly Private Journal

March 22, 2019 (3:00am)

— THIS IS THE ONLY DISCLAIMER!!!! —
-SUICIDAL THOUGHTS/TENDENCIES
-TALK OF SELF HARM
-OVERALL WILL BE DARK
-SEXUALITY/SEX/NSFW
-DEATH
-IM GETTING VERY PERSONAL AND I JUST WANT EVERYONE THAT READS THIS TO KNOW THAT. THESE ARE MY 100% ACTUAL THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS. NEGATIVE COMMENTS WILL BE DELETED WITH NO WARNING AND YOU MAY BE BLOCKED DEPENDING ON SEVERITY.
-THIS IS NOT A STORY. IM NOT TAKING MY TIME TO PROOF READ. IM TREATING THIS LIKE A NORMAL PEN TO PAPER KIND OF JOURNAL.
— —

I don't know why I am making this. Maybe it's a cry for help? I am not sure but life freaking sucks and instead of complaining to my friends for the 1000th time, I will write and publish this. Maybe it could help someone in the future? I don't know.

All my life I've wanted to be something. I have wanted to do great things and achieve my dreams but as I grow older, I realize that true happiness is hard to achieve. That might be the depression talking but I mean, honestly. I have not been truly happy since before my dad passed away back in 2009. He was my best friend. Now I sit alone in my dorm room crying, wishing I had a friend to talk to but all I have are my four white walls. Sometimes I feel like they're talking, calling me a failure (now, that was hypothetical so don't @ me).

Being cooped up in my room all day after classes sucks. I'm far away from my family and friends and while it has been a great chance to live on my own, I'm tired of being alone. When I am not at work I am in my dorm, stuffing my face, probably, because I stress eat. My one friend here does not hang out with me anymore or when I ask, she tells me she simply does not want to. I barely see her. My other 'friends' here are more so acquaintances. I do not know their birthdays, their favourite drink, what they listen to or watch. I just know that Nick hates our math class and Lorelei is from Ireland. It sucks. Everything sucks.

I'm terrible with dates and remembering things. I have missed two scheduled appointments to see my therapist and one with my psychiatrist and I've been too nervous to call and make another appointment because I know I'll just miss that one too. I feel like they judge me for my issues but I know in my heart that they don't. I forgot to do the first two big assignments in my German Fairytales class so I'm making a sixty something. Same for my art class... and both of my German classes... and my Geology class... and I don't even have the money for the homework software in my Math class. Hell, I don't even have a calculator. I missed my Midterm exam for my Geology class too. There goes 25% of my grade. I'm already making a 60 in the class and the first exam we had (also 25%) I made a 58 on... and I studied. I promise. I took my take and did everything right... why am I so stupid? Why did I think college was a good choice for me? Yeah... like I could be successful. I can't even do basic algebra. That reflects in my Math quizzes and midterm (which I made a 68 on). I feel like shit because I tried and I failed. I thought I did very well on my German exam but I only made a 69. I stayed until the very last minute reading and rereading my exam to make sure everything looked and sounded right but no. I cannot even have that. I haven't made a single good grade on a test this semester and It makes me feel worthless. Missing my Geology midterm has shown me just how shitty of a person I am. I told myself at 1 o'clock that the test was due by midnight tonight. I told myself not to forget. It was the one exam I know I could do good on because it was a take home...

Can I not do anything right? What is wrong with me? I want to drop out of school so badly but I'm already in too deep. I don't even have a place to live next semester and apartments here are so expensive. Why did I do this to myself? Why did I think I was capable of greatness? All I wanted to do was become an animator and animate a short film I've been thinking of for a while but I can't even pass a basic art class. It's not because I'm bad at art, i actually feel quite okay with my work as an artist, i just can't get the strength to go to class in the morning to turn in my homework... so I fall behind. I know it sounds lazy... it really does and I'm not going to try to stand up for myself on that because I am. I really am.... but I try. I try to get enough sleep. I try to do my homework. I try to make it to class but when you work as much as I do and go to school on top of that, all while trying to make enough money to afford a $900 apartment on $9/hr is really hard. I want to quit so badly and just focus on my school work but I have too many bills and my family can't afford to pick up my bills. Hell, my bank account is sitting on $2.30 until Wednesday. Am I going to eat? Probably not. Am I going to show up to work on time tomorrow instead of doing my homework? Yeah.

The weight of everything coming down on me feels like I've been hit by 8 busses and an airplane. No matter how much sleep I get, I'm still tired in the morning. My earliest class is 11 am and this is the first time I've been to all of my classes for the week because even if I go to bed at 10/11 pm, I physically cannot get up at 10 am to get ready for class. I've even tried getting less sleep but that's just overall bad news. I get about 8 hours of sleep every night! That's a normal number but I'm still too tried to move at 10am. Tomorrow I have a class at noon and I guarantee that I won't wake up until the very last minute. I've tried everything to better my sleep experience because... maybe I wake up at night and I don't realize it. I've tried less pillows, more pillows, less blankets, more blankets, better sheets, different position, all lights off, no sound, music, tv as white noise, fan, no fan, clothes, no clothes, no blanket, stuffed animals. You name it, I've probably tried it. Hell, I used to take a Benadryl or two before bed in high school so I could go to bed on time.

I'm disorganized and messy. I can't keep my room clean for an entire day. No matter how hard I try, I cannot get my room to have a theme. I've tried a pink, blue, purple. It just looks like a mess (even when it's clean) and it stresses me out because I want a room that looks aesthetically pleasing but I cannot achieve it so I sit on my bed in agony thinking that my room looks like crap. On top of that, I'm messy in general. I have bottles upon bottles just kind of everywhere. I once took an entire garbage bag out and it was full of bottles and pizza boxes. This isn't a way for a person to live. I hate it. I hate every moment of it and I constantly think about killing myself but i couldn't do that to my family. I love them... even when we fight. I just wish I could wake up and be in high school again so I could work harder and do everything better.. well, I mean, the first thing I'd actually do is stop going through my emo phase. That was a mistake.

All I ever wanted was to achieve my goals but no matter how hard I try, no one wants to support me. My friends barely do. For a while I've wanted to stream my video game experiences but no one believes in me. Not even my gaming friends whom I play with a lot. As soon as i start streaming they tell me that my channel is dead and that i should stop because I'm not good and it hurts. Ghey constantly tell me that I'm bad at the games I play and that I'll never get good. One of them even told me I was bad at a game I've never even played before. On top of this, my 'nickname' is Miss Piggy and while I know it's about how I sometimes snort when I laugh, I hate it because I'm a bigger girl and I've been called a pig before for my weight but when I tell them to stop they ask me if I'm on my period... of course.

They also try to get me banned by saying things they literally shouldn't (such as the N word... hard 'r' and all). I try to share my links with friends and not even my best friend followed me. I even tried posting my makeup how-to's on YouTube because my friends told me that's what they wanted to see and I did it and they still don't even watch those. It's so frustrating trying to do something and getting shut down. I've even tried commissioning my artwork because... well I don't want to work at my job anymore and I want to do something I can enjoy but any time someone asks me to draw something for them, I get too scared to tell them my prices so I just do it for free. I just drew up a nice tattoo for someone and they want the OG sent to them but I have no money. I tried to subtly tell them I'm broke and need money but they said that it's fine and they can wait until I get paid (paraphrasing obviously).

I just wish I wasn't such a worthless piece of shit. That's all. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.

I'm sorry that this is just kind of all over the place but it isn't meant to be an actual book. It's just somewhere I can vent my thoughts and maybe someone can read and relate... if anyone is even reading this. Oh well.