I Was Amity...

27

"Hey, Em!" Uriah calls out from across the room. He sits with the other Dauntless-born initiates. Only four of them are left; the rest have gone through their fear landscapes already. He pats his leg. "You can sit on my lap, if you want."

"Tempting," I call back, grinning. "But I'm gonna have to pass."

I don't want Uriah to get the wrong Idea. The lights lift in the fear landscape room, revealing Marlene in a crouch, her face streaked with tears. Max, Eric, and a few others shake off the simulation daze and walk out. A few seconds later I see them on the screen, congratulating her for finishing.

"Transfers, the order in which you go through the final test was taken from your rankings as they now stand," Four says. "So Em will go first, and Olivia will go last."

That can't be good for Olivia's nerves. That also means I'm first and get to get this out of the way.

I stand in the back of the room, a few feet away from Four. I will not know how well everyone else does before it's my turn. I can't gauge how fast I can go without it being suspicious. I start speculating about which fears I will have to face, and how many there will be. I just have to remember that I have the power to manipulate the simulations, and that I have practiced it before. All I can do now is get past this obstacle.

I'm pulled from my thoughts when I hear my name, "Em." It's Eric.

I walk to the front of the observation room, towards Eric where he stands with a syringe full of orange liquid. Four and I exchange glances when Eric sticks the needle into my neck. I barely see Eric's pierced face as he presses the plunger down. I imagine that the serum is liquid adrenaline rushing through my veins, making me strong.

"Ready?" Eric asks.

I'm ready. I step into the room, armed not with a gun or a knife, but with the plan I made the night before. Four said that stage three is about mental preparation, coming up with strategies to overcome my fears. I wish I knew what order the fears will come in. I bounce on the balls of my feet as I wait for the first fear to appear. I try to breathe steadily. The ground beneath me changes.

Grass rises from the concrete and sways in a wind I cannot feel. A burnt orange sky replaces the exposed pipes above me. I listen for the sound of the snarling dogs. I try to suppress my fear. It's about control.

I start to hear the dogs. The first one steps out of thin air. This time, I don't try to fight the dog as hard as I can. I crouch, listening to the growling increase around me, and run my hand through the grass, just above the ground. What combats powerlessness? Power. And the first time I felt truly powerful in the Dauntless compound was when I was holding a gun. I feel one of the dogs sink its teeth into my right calf. Another dog bites into my left hip, but then I feel something hard and metal in the grass. My gun. I point the gun at the dog on my calf, and it lets out a whimper before falling to the ground. I then shot the dog biting my hip. I spin on my heel, aiming the gun at the rest of the pack. I squeeze the trigger, firing again and again at the dogs racing towards me, watching their dark bodies drop to the grass. As I aim and shoot, I feel the same rush of power I felt the first time I held a gun.

My heart stops racing and the field, gun, and dogs fade away. I stand in the dark again. I expect something to happen but it doesn't. This one's for my fear of darkness. I stretch out my arms hoping to hit something, anything. I'm afraid of the dark, but I also know that this is about my fear of not being in control. It is about weakness. I just have to convince myself that I'm strong enough to break the wall. I start to hear the voices like last time, one at first but growing more and louder every second. I start to stumble forward hoping to find a wall. I finally feel something in front of me. I slam my fist into the wall as hard as possible. My hand bounces off, causing no damage. My heartbeat speeds up. What if what worked in the first simulation doesn't work here? What if I can't break the glass unless I'm under duress? I try again, this time kicking the wall. I have to calm down. Calm down and focus. I try again and again, but nothing happens. I have another option. I can wait it out and try to calm down. I won't do it though. I won't let myself stop fighting. I can't. I ball my hands up into fists and pound on the wall. I'm stronger than the wall. My mind will make it so. I close my eyes. I hit it again, and again. Then the wall shatters under my hand.