Night in the Ruts

It's Just the Universe's Way of Fucking You Up - Nicky and Steven

        "What're you saying?" she asks, trying to comprehend my wordy soliloquy.

        "I don't want to hold you back from loving someone else.  I know you love him.  He loves you too.  You're in love with one another.  You two should be together, not you and me," I say dully, giving a sad smile at the end.

        "So you're saying that after all this time you just want to be my best friend again?" she asks, incredulous.

        "Uh, yeah."

        "Really."

        "Mmhmm," I mutter, shoving my hands into my pockets.

        "Nicky, I– I dunno," she sighs. "I love you–"

        "And I love you, but you love him more."

        And then her eyes fill with tears.  I take a hand out of my pocket and wipe them away, pulling her into me for a hug.  "I'm sorry," she groans.

        I actually laugh at that.  "You're sorry?  I just broke up with you!"  She gives a choking laugh.  It's somewhere between a laugh and a sob, though she's smiling.

        "No, I'm sorry I'd rather be with him," she admits.

        I shrug.  "I kinda knew it all along," I say, ignoring the slight pang in my chest.  "But... Here's the issue: I think he's still with Annie, Charlie.  Are you still gonna get back together with him even though he's with her?"

        Charlie looks at me like I'm crazy.  "No!" she exclaims, hugging me again.  "What if... What if I just do to him what you just did to me?"

        "You mean... Break up with him?  Charlie, you're not together.  You can't do that," I explain, considering whether or not if she's gone crazy now, too.

        "No," Charlie says, sounding a little annoyed.  "I mean, friends."

        "Uh, okay?" I say, not thinking this would be a very good idea.

       After staring at her for a quick beat, she says with a hopeful grin, "Just one more?"  And somehow I know exactly what she's talking about and I return the grin.  And then she throws her arms around my neck and steps up on her tiptoes and kisses me.

        Fuck, what did I just do?  Goddammit why did I just breakup with her?!  No, it was a good idea.  It was me being totally unselfish.  She'd rather be with him, and I don't want to keep her from that.  This is a good thing.  So now, just for this minute, I'm gonna kiss her back for one final time.

      "Thanks," she says.  I shrug like, It's the least I could do.  When in reality, I'm burning on the inside.

        "Now I highly suggest you go back inside now.  You said you'd only be a minute," I say, faking a smile.  She returns it, hugging me once last time, and goes back inside, the door shutting behind her with a finalizing click.

        With a sigh, I pull a cigarette out of my pocket and lean against the wall, lighting it up.  But it isn't really a cigarette.  It's from Danny.  Inhaling the smoke, I think about what I'd just done.  But I don't really regret it.  I feel good about it, actually.  We're better together as friends, anyway.  Things were easier.  This is all for the good of things in the future.  And, I promise myself, things will be good.

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//Steven\\