Dead On Arrival [Destiel]

Thnks Fr Th Mmrs

Torchuring demons was something I had missed. I felt like I was going insane for enjoying the blood drip from their lifeless bodies. I didn't just stab the remaining demons with the demon knife, but I had torchured them first for my own enjoyment. I had just finished off the last one.

Crowley appeared clapping at my work. He smiled, "You were always the best torchurer we have ever had in hell."

"No need to sweet talk me."

He laughed, "Oh, darling, I'm not joking. Maybe I could find you a permanent job doing this?"

"Crowley-"

"Now now, before you turn me down, I am willing to pay you for this said job."

"I can't accept this lifestyle."

"Come on! It's in your blood, Dean! I know you enjoyed it!"

I could feel Sam judging me from heaven or rolling over in the grave, begging me not to say yes. I know he would be disappointed in me. Cas would be too, if he found out.

"I don't think I can do it."

"Dean, you're one of the best and I'm willing to pay you a hundred dollars per torchure. You can't decline that."

"I'll think about it, Crowley."

He nodded, "You have 24 hours to decide, Squirrel."

He snapped his fingers and I was back in the cemetery, leaning against the impala. The sky was darker now. The surrounding area was complete darkness. I reached in the back seat for a flashlight and found it. I made my way over to Sam's grave. There wasn't a stone, just a wooden cross marking the spot.

I fell to my knees, "Oh Sammy, I don't know what to do or what I've done. I guess I just feel so lost without you. I overreacted about Garth and them because I felt betrayal or maybe I just wanted to push them away. I don't want someone caring for me or giving me there sympathy because I have no desire to receive it. I've done this kind of thing before. The torchure thing. I missed it, Sammy. It wasn't the revenge that was the spark in my eye, it was my longing to do this again and again. I was a born and raised killer. I know it's a different circumstance because these are just demons who deserve it, but the feeling I get....it feels right, although I know it's so very wrong. I hate talking about my feelings to anyone, but I am to you because I know you can't respond or help me anymore. I'm all alone now. I have Cas, but it's not the same. You're dead and there's no way I could bring you back. You're in heaven, in the paradise you've always deserve."

I chuckled a little, "Sorry I didn't bring flowers. Maybe next time. Man, I'm gonna miss you. I took care of you ever since you were little. Beat up anyone who picked on you. Tried to stand up to dad for you. I sacrificed a lot for you, you know? I missed my prom because you were in trouble with some angry spirit. I would spend time with you, instead of hanging out with friends. I spent most of my childhood protecting you. If dad was mad at you, I would let him take it out on me because you were just a kid. I hated when you left for college. I convinced dad not to pull you out because I thought if one of us could live an actual life, it should've been you. The job always dragged us back in though. All I wanted was for you to grow up and have a family, not be on the road all the time with me, fighting god knows what and eating whatever the hell the latest restaurant was. That's not living. That's just barely scraping by. I guess it can be rewarding though, saving a life. I feel like it's trying to make up for the lives we have lost, but they will never make up for the lives I couldn't save like mom, dad, Bobby, Ellen, Jo, you etc... You know, I've considered suicide so many times. After each live we lost I would particularly because I blamed myself. I was ready to just drive off a cliff in the impala, strapped in, even if you were by my side. I was always ready, prepared to die. I just never prepared myself for you to die because I tried so hard to keep you here...All I ever wanted was for you to be alive and live a normal life. I'm sorry, it never worked out that way." My voice trailed off, "Thanks for the memories, Sam, even though they weren't so great. I guess that's enough feelings talk for today. I'll see you tomorrow, buddy."

I kissed my first three fingers and pressed them against the wooden cross with "Sam" carved into it, "Rest easy, Sammy."

I got into the impala and sat there for a moment. I smiled staring at the passenger's seat, imagining Sam sitting there. I would say something stupid or insult him. He would give me a bitchface and I would smile saying, "Bitch." He would respond, "Jerk." It's been awhile since we've done that. He used to always smile or laugh at my jokes. He was my best friend. Even if we hardly talked closer to the time of his death, he was still my best friend. I have a lot of regret in life, but not saving him will forever be the biggest.

I turned the keys in the ignition and drove out of there. I shut off the radio and had the windows cracked slightly. This was one of my bad days. One of the days I missed him more than anything. I drove for a little while to the bunker.

Right away I noticed Garth's car sitting there, parked. I sighed heavily. I wasn't in the mood to deal with them. I didn't want them looking through the files or anything for a case. I walked inside. All of them were sat on the couch. Garth says, "Well finally! We've been worried sick! We didn't mean to get you all worked up or nothing."

I nodded, "It's fine, Garth. I have just retired. That's all."

"It's a little weird that normally people are put in this job because someone died in there life and you're getting out of it for that same reason."

"Well, it's different when my baby brother dies because of the goddamn job! All of you, please just leave. I can't do this right now."

Charlie nodded, "We get it."

I didn't look up at any of them when they walked out the door. Charlie said, "I'll come back sometime soon to check up on you. Bye, Dean."

I sighed heavily after they were all gone. Cas stared at me, being the only one still here, "That was a bit harsh, Dean. Is something wrong?"

"Cas, I'm not going to talk about it. I'm surprised you didn't go with them since you wouldn't come with me earlier and stayed with them instead."

"They begged me to stay. I was about to leave, but they needed to talk to me about you. We are all just worried about you."

"Well you need to stop worrying. I don't need someone to care for me."

"Well you're going to have someone care for you whether you like it or not! When will you understand that?!"

I shook my head, "I can't take this right now. I'm going to bed and I better not see you come in there with me either."

I started walking away and Cas yelled to me, "You can't ignore us forever or keep your feelings all locked up inside!"

"Night," I said flatly and went into Sam's room. I locked the door and cuddled into his comforter and nuzzled against his pillows. I was so emotionally distraught and overwhelmed. I cried myself to sleep that night.