The Dreams That Were Dreamt

Chapter Two: Road Closed

He had just set sail on his boat. I wasn't there, because I wasn't on the strand anymore. I had journeyed to the top of a hill where I could see the shore on one side and the woods on the other. But I could still see him. Where was he going? Nowhere it seemed. The boat was just bobbing on the sea in the night. I stood on top of the hill with a man. It was someone who knew the area. We were counting graves. Eleven of them were older and six of them had been freshly dug.

I woke up when the car got off the highway.  The road got a lot more rockier and uneven. I couldn't sleep through it. For how long had I been sleeping? The sun was rising but the everything was still grey. I usually didn't sleep well in cars but whatever he put in my drink must have still had its effect. It felt similar to what they did to us at work, and it magnified the dreaming.

For some reason I did my best work when I wasn't in the building by the docks. This wasn't something I could control but it still made me feel shame. Dreaming? For fun? The audacity. After just six months, work was now internalized. ''When you're dead you can keep your dreams to yourself, '' was a common joke that went around. The difference between what I did for myself and what I did for someone else was so intertwined this time around. I think it always had been.

But sometimes, even at work, I had dreams that I didn't want to share. I had dreams that meant something to me and me only; dreams that I wanted to explore further and not let go off or forget. Where were the coordinates of his boat? Where was he going? Rosa, one of the senior workers in my group, had taught me a technique for exploring my dreams in a wakeful state. She had shared how you could dream and be awake at the same time. This wasn't foreign to me. I did have experiences of it. But I found it very difficult and it was something that happened rather by accident than by sheer will. And at this time, I didn't have the concentration to do so. The boat had to be forgotten, for now. I will be back, I promise.

We were driving on a small road. Nothing but trees and the sky could be seen. There were no signs of anyone else but us. I glanced over at him driving the car. He looked tired, like he could fall asleep at any minute and like the sound of gravel under the tires was the only thing keeping him awake. He looked older now than I remembered him. Unlike him, this light didn't take any prisoners. I pretended to fall back into sleep again. What were we going to do? Small talk? Still too many questions remained unanswered for me to chat about the weather. And his look still instilled fear in me. He had said that he wouldn't hurt me, but people had told me that before. Those words meant nothing. 

After I had submitted myself to him, he had agreed on that I could visit my place before we left for wherever we were heading. I needed clean clothes and my tooth brush. I moved with him in a sort of trance. He was dictating my movement without directives even though it was I who put one foot in front of the other. He was very adamant on not touching anything in my studio apartment. He barely stepped inside, just told me to hurry up. 

The place looked like I had left it. If I had known back then that this would be the outcome of the night I would've made my bed or done the dishes. More than anything, I wish I would've done the laundry since there now wasn't much to choose from. I didn't know how much to pack. I still had no idea what was going on. I filled my backpack and locked the door and then he confiscated my keys, my phone and my wallet. No questions asked. And that would be the last time I would see the studio apartment on the second floor in this light. When I think back on it, it makes me sad. It's a strange feeling, to feel something for four walls, a floor and a ceiling. I guess I felt like I was being ungrateful for not thanking my apartment for being there for me. The walls had always given me something to stare back at when love turned out to be yet another penetration that would end in an early climax and a quick escape. But it was what is was.