The Internal Struggle [COMPLETED]

Chapter 1 | The Akram's

Rania's POV

I had no idea why Rayhan was taking so long. I had been waiting for ages now and we were going to be late again. Of course Rayhan didn't care if we got another detention. I ran up the stairs and started banging on his bedroom door. After I had knocked on his door several times, I heard the door unlocking. Rayhan stood there with his schoolbag flung over one shoulder. He raised a single eyebrow at me,

"Calm down sis, we have plenty of time." I glared at him. We were going to be late AGAIN. All because my brother couldn't be bothered to get ready on time. He made me so mad sometimes. Rayhan pushed past me and went downstairs. He called out to me,

"Come on, you don't want to make us late." I rolled my eyes at his immaturity.

The cold air hit me hard when I stepped out and when I breathed out, the air danced around me in swirling patterns. Ice had settled on to the floor, making each step more slippy than the last. Winter had supposedly ended and it was supposed to be spring. But I don't think the weather got the memo. It would probably be a good few weeks before the weather started to warm up. That was what you got with British weather unfortunately.

Rayhan was munching on a packet of cheese and onion crisps (disgusting I know) that he had dug out of his school bag. I pulled a face. He never ate properly. Always eating junk food. I had gone into his bedroom once and had saw his bin filled with empty crisp packets, chocolate wrappers and fizzy drink bottles. He skipped breakfast on a regular basis and his dinner often consisted of whatever rubbish he had bought after school. Mum had shouted at him many times, trying to force feed him proper food but he didn't take much notice.

I felt an arm on my shoulder and turned my head to see Saaqib.

"How's my favourite twins?" I pushed away from him and so did Rayhan. I didn't see anything but I noticed Rayhan move away from Saaqib and he increased his speed ever so slightly. But Saaqib didn't seem to notice. Saaqib snatched the crisps from Rayhan but the packet was already empty.

Rayhan had changed a lot over the years. He had become so reserved and he never told me anything. We had never been super close like most people expect twins to be but we had shared secrets and confided in each other about things as siblings do. But now he didn't seem to care about anything. He had withdrawn into a shell that I, nor anyone else, could bring him out of. He tried to hide it but I could see it. I had tried to talk to Danish about it but he brushed it away. He didn't really see it as an issue. He had noticed it but Danish had merely put it down to him being a teenager but I was sure that most teenagers had grown out of it by this age. I listened to him because Danish was usually right but that still didn't stop me from worrying. It was these times that I wished that twins could actually read each other's minds so I could see what was worrying him.

Rayhan's POV

Great, Saaqib was here. Why couldn't he just stay away from us? I didn't need him in my life or anyone for that matter. I couldn't wait to get away from this, go to university and hope that nobody would ever find out. I couldn't be bothered for his judgement. Unfortunately Saaqib and I were in the same form so I was forced to uphold a conversation with him. It didn't help that he was my cousin so I had to maintain family ties as well. As we walked down the school corridors, I noticed a rainbow on the wall and read what it said. I had walked past it so many times and I had become fixated on it at one point.

Saaqib sneered at the poster as he followed my gaze,

"They deserve to be hated." I didn't say anything but I rolled my eyes inwardly. What did I expect? This was what was drilled into us from the very beginning. By our parents. By our mosque teachers. By our society. It needed to stop but inequality would always exist. Even I had believed it at one point in time until this happened. I knew it was a test from Allah (سبحانه وتعلي) and that was the only thing that kept me going. We all had the same destination, it was our journey that differed. I just had to ensure that my journey went as smoothly as possible.

As soon as we walked into our form room, we went our separate ways. He went to sit with his friends and I, with mine. Saaqib and I used to be so close so I knew what he was like but he did not know what I was like. If he did, I knew he would be disgusted. The Prophet (صلي الله عليه واله وسلم) taught us not to judge yet we were taught to judge everyone that wasn't one of us since the day we entered this world. If only people had less concern for other's sins and more for their own, the world would be a better place.

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed him come in. The reason how I had finally managed to force myself to come to accept who I was. I tried so hard to hide it. It took me years to come to terms with everything but still nobody knew. I still kept it inside me. Never revealing it in fear of being hated and ostracised. I knew the Muslim community and I knew my family. What I had was a 'disease' according to them. And that's what even I had dismissed it as but as days passed, months passed, years passed, this 'disease' I had didn't seem to be getting cured. I questioned my existence and my religion most of all. I didn't tell anyone this though, I would have been disowned without a moment's thought. I had contemplated speaking to Rania, maybe even Danish but at the end I decided against it. It wasn't worth the risk. It took time for me to find Islam again and actually think of myself as a Muslim again. Most Muslims wouldn't accept me as a Muslim. Yet those were also the ones that would be the ones committing zina (adultery), disrespecting their parents, drinking alcohol, missing their fardh (compulsory) salah (prayer) and consuming drugs. It was ironic really. But that was the state of the Muslims nowadays. People would dismiss me and accuse me of not being a Muslim when the only judge is Allah (سبحانه وتعلي). As soon as I would come out, I knew I would be condemned to hell by all the self-righteous Muslims. Nowadays Islam plays little part in what Muslims say and do, it's culture that defines us now as a community. I tried so hard to be a good Muslim now but I didn't think I'd ever be ready to tell anyone what I felt.

Author's note

Assalaamu alaikum everyone! This is the first chapter of my new book. I will update every weekend ان شاء الله. I hope you like it. And if you do, please PLEASE, PLEASE leave a comment and vote on my story. Any comments are welcome, including constructive criticism! Don't forget to vote!