Been Here All Along

42| closure

There's so much I want to say, yet I can't seem to get the right words out.

"I promise you that there will never be a day that goes by that I don't think of you. I love you endlessly, Ian Miller." Although he is no longer physically a part of the world, he still is my whole world.

My eyes watered as it dawned on me I can't stay here forever. I had to leave Ian here and go to the luncheon at Westchester.

Before I knew it, my whole body was shaking as I sobbed. How am I ever going to get through this?

"Goodbye, Ian Miller."

"Hey now," Mason said from directly behind me. I'm not sure when he got there, but it couldn't have been long. "It's just see you later, Jos. It's never goodbye."

"Until we meet again, Ian Miller. I love you endlessly."

Mason hugged me and led me out of the funeral home to my brother's car, who was patiently waiting for us to finish up. I had told Kaila right after the service that I'd be driving with Mason and Anthony to the luncheon, and she didn't need to wait up.

I got in the passenger seat and Mason sat behind me. Anthony set down his phone and looked between the both of us, examining us physically and mentally.

"Ready?"

Am I ready to leave Ian here to be buried in a cemetery while I go to a luncheon dedicated to him to talk about him in the past tense? Not in the slightest, but I don't have much of an option.

He received no reply from Mason or I, but drove away anyway. He must've realized how his question was just one that couldn't be answered.

None of us is ready to leave, but we need to.

Westchester was roughly a 20 minute commute from the funeral home, which we spent sitting in complete silence. We all had too much on our minds to talk or even listen to the soft hum of music.

Mr. Westchester closed the park today for Ian's luncheon, so the only cars in the lot belonged to Ian's loved ones. And there is so many.

"I'll meet you inside, okay?" I turned to Mason and said. He nodded and got out of the car, slowly making his way to the Westchester gate. I stayed in the car with Anthony, remaining in silence for a few minutes longer.

"How are you?" Anthony asked me.

I chuckled as my eyes began to tear up yet again. "I've had better days."

These past few days have been the worst days of my life, honestly. This is the worst it can get, I'm pretty much convinced I've hit rock bottom. I just hope that means there is no where else to go besides up.

"Ian will always be with us. No matter what. I hope you never forget that."

"I don't think I ever could." I think it's impossible to forget the man I was desperately, head-over-heels in love with, the man I was supposed to marry and live the rest of my life with. Ian was supposed to be my endgame.

"Remember when you came barging in my room to tell me you and Ian kissed for the first time?"

   Through my tears, I actually laughed this time, not just a half-hearted chuckle. "Shut up! You were stalking me and interrogated me about how it went!"

   "Not how I remember it," Anthony shrugged.

   "You're so full of it." But of course I remember. Anth compelled me to go tell Ian how I feel, so I just went for it. I ran to his house and tried to tell him how I felt, but I was cut off by his kiss. I fell in love with him that day. He's everything I could ever ask for.