Red vs Blue Season 11: Male Oc

Rvb S11 E5 "A Real Fixer Upper"

Leo: Checked it, already. Looks like we're missing that too!

Wash stands up and stops working on the radio box.

Wash: Dammit. This would be going so much faster, if we didn't have to keep tracking down equipment evey five minutes.

Tucker: What, you think the Reds took it?

Wash pulls out a shotgun and starts to imitate Sarge.

Wash: Men, it appears our shitty fortifications aren't meeting my ridiculous standards! Let's steal Washington's tank and fire at our walls! That'll fix it.

Everyone just stares at Wash.

Wash: Yes, I think the Reds took it.

Leo: Do you just carry that shotgun all the time just for that?

Zeta: It's a thing he's recently been doing.

Wade leans over to Zeta.

Wade: (Whispers) I think I saw him practice it one time.

Tucker: Man, why are you so wound up all the time?

Wash: Because every second we're here is another second closer to death. Or worse.

Wade: What could be worse than death?

Wash walks back over to the radio box and kneels down in front of it.

Wash: I don't know. I just thought it sounded dramatic.

Wade: Come on, it's not really that bad. I mean, if we were back in Blood Gulch, we'd probably be doing the exact same crap, you know.

Wash: There's just something about this place. I can't help but feel like we're being watched.

Tucker: Oh please. People get that feeling all the time. I had it for years.

Wash: But that's because you were being watched! You were monitored by a secret organization for every second of every day.

Leo: (Mutters) Talk about privacy, huh.

Tucker: Well, I don't feel like I'm being watched now.

Wash: Thank you. I feel much more secure.

Tucker: Don't be a dick.

Wash walks closer to Tucker.

Wash: Then don't be an idiot.

Zeta: Wash, is there a problem?

Wash: My problem, Zeta is that your absolutely right. Somebody should've found us by now. Now where the hell is that goddamn soddering iron?

Wash heads back over to the radio box.

Cavern
Caboose is crouched down in the dark, near a pile of rubble.

Caboose: Boy you're lucky I came by. What is a little fella like you doin' way out here?

The sound of something electric cracking happens.

Caboose: Hey... no moving. Have to get you out of here first. Don't worry... we're gonna be best friends.

Red Base
On top of Red Base, Grif and Simmons are talking as Sarge is crouched down, working on his robot.

Simmons: You're an idiot.

Grif: Am I Simmons, or am I just a man who's willing to ask the hard questions?

Simmons: You're definitely an idiot.

Sarge: You're both idiots. Now, keep it down, I'm tryin' to focus.

Grif: Terminator, The Matrix, Battlestar Galactica, everything points to robot domination of the human race!

Simmons: Well technically some Cylons relied more on synthetic biology and not conventional robotics, but that was only in the series reboot. And you know those are pretty rare.

Grif: Fine, then Wall-E. It doesn't matter. I just think it's strange that we're not already bowing down to our robot overlords.

Simmons: I'm a cyborg, you wanna bow down to me?

Grif: Pass.

Simmons: (Robotic voice) Fuck you meatsack, your logic is flawed.

Grif: You are the biggest fucking nerd. You know that right, I mean you really know that?

Simmons: (Robotic voice) You must construct additional pylons. Rrr-wrr-rrr

Sarge: Well, Optimus Prime's knuckle, I think we're in business.

Sarge stands up and walks back to where Simmons and Grif are, as the robot activates and stands up straight.

Sarge: Ladies, I would like to introduce you to the newest addition to Red Team.

Simmons: Can it, talk?

Everyone looks at the robot in silence.

Robot: >Hello.<

Simmons: You've got to be kidding!

Grif: Oh come on!

Sarge: Huh. That is an unfortunate coincidence.

Grif: Spanish. Why is it fucking Spanish? Why not French, or German, or Sangheili?

Simmons: We don't even have, Leo here to translate him!

Grif: Does he still know, Spanish?

Robot: >I'm sorry. Does my language choice not please you? My system settings are currently set to Spanish.<

Sarge: Heh heh, you know, it almost feels like the good ol' days. Just me, a Spanish-speaking robot, a son to give helpful life lessons and a couple of complete idiots.

Simmons: You're talking about Grif and Donut, right?

Grif: Thanks dickhead.

Sarge: Lopez Dos-Point-O, it's good to have you aboard.

Lopez 2.0: >Thank you, master. It's my duty to-<

Sarge: Now get to work, slacker!

Lopez 2.0: >Excuse me?<

Sarge: Comm tower. Middle of the canyon. Repairo, los rapido.

Grif: It's Spanish Sarge, not Harry Potter.

Lopez 2.0: >It sounds as if you have some equipment that's in need of repair. Is that correct?<

Sarge: Hm. He's not doing anything.

Grif: Maybe, he's stupid.

Sarge: Robot! Do you, understand, us? Comprehende?

Lopez 2.0: Sí.

Simmons: Well, he knows what we're saying, so I guess he's just stupid.

Lopez 2.0: >I can assure you I am performing at an above average-<

Sarge: Uh, poor stupid Lopez Dos-Point-O. Well, let's just take him over to the comm tower.

Grif: Why? He's a moron.

Sarge: Yep, but maybe he'll end up being like a Rainman-type moron. We could get him one of those grey suits.

Lopez 2.0: >I will do my best to serve you.<

Simmons: Hh, what a shame.

The End
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