Been Here All Along

41| endlessly

Like I've said time and time again, Ian is inexplicably selfless.

   "Ian James Miller impacted each and every one of our lives. He will be missed everyday from this day forward, but I think I can vouch for everyone that we are all so glad to have been lucky enough to have known him."

   It felt like I had stepped away from the podium in slow motion. I probably did. The podium, like it did in high school when I had to give presentations, provided me with a sense of safety and security. It kept me stable.

   "Thank you, Josie," the pastor said, taking over the podium again.

   I tried to keep it together until I was privately seated, but I couldn't. It's like the second my body was no longer hidden behind the podium, I broke down like an old car that tried to hit 85 on the highway.

   Mason, who was welcomed into the first row that is typically attended for family just like I was, stood up immediately, wrapping me in a tight hug as I sobbed into his shoulder. He guided us out of the room to give me a moment.

   When he heard my breathing return to a relatively normal rate, he finally pulled away. His sad eyes found mine that mirrored his.

   "Ready to go back in?"

   Mason and I stepped back in, careful not to create a scene similar to the one I had on our way out. We returned to our seats beside each other in the front row and tuned into what the pastor was saying.

   "At this time, we'd like to welcome anyone up here that has a memory with Ian they'd like to share or perhaps some reassuring words for Ian's close family and friends."

   I looked at Mason, curious if he planned to speak today. I can't blame him if he doesn't. That was even harder than I expected it would be. He kept his gaze locked on the ground, as if he could feel me staring at him and felt too ashamed to look up.

   Hayden stood up and went to the podium and, while he got situated, I took Mason's hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. He could let it reassure him about whatever he wanted. No one would resent him for not speaking, and no one would reprimand him if he went up there and cried.

   "I'm Hayden Miller, Ian's older brother." Hayden's hands viciously gripped the sides of the podium, clearly a defense mechanism.

   Hayden took the next several minutes to talk about his brother, reciting memories and telling us all how much he'd miss him.

   Various people went up after him, taking just as long as Hayden or shorter. People I didn't even know were reciting memories he or she had with Ian and sharing how he'd impacted him or her.

   Mason never went up though. I know how badly he wanted to, but he just couldn't bring himself to. And that's okay.

   These past few days, he has been putting up such a strong front for the sake of others, something Ian would do. He'd used up all of his strength already, but it's okay. We all know how much Mason loves and misses Ian. Speaking at his funeral doesn't mean he loves him any less.

Eventually, the service had come to an end.

There was not a person in the room with dry eyes this afternoon. Even Sarge and Lieutenant Marlowe had pulled out their handkerchiefs. In all of my years of knowing them, that was the most emotion I've seen them express.