Been Here All Along

41| endlessly

"When Ian had returned last June, I was in a relationship with someone I still consider a close friend. Ian came home to find that I was in a relationship and I had moved on. He could've been hurt and jealous. He could've resented me for moving on while he was fighting in a war. But he didn't. He respected me and my relationship. Why? Because love is always patient and kind. He patiently waited for our time to come again. He didn't feel the need to rush it. He didn't get jealous that I had found happiness in someone else." Tears started free-falling down my cheeks. It's hard to speak so highly of someone I love so much, knowing I will never see him again, hear his voice again, or be able to talk directly to him ever again. "Ian returning home had reminded me of my love for him that I couldn't fight or hide, resulting in me eventually getting back into a relationship with him. Ian was not boastful though. He did not rub in what he had gained and someone had lost. Ian was the most selfless person I've met to this day, doing everything for the benefit of others before himself. Last but not least, Ian loved me unconditionally. There was never a day he had me thinking otherwise."

Ian was the man of my dreams. He was anything I could have ever hoped for in a man, and then some. My heart will continue to carry so much love for him until the day I die.

"Uh..." I sighed as I wiped my eyes and found my place in my speech. "Ian tried so hard to be a man of his word. I believe he'd do everything in his power to keep his promises, but he had a habit of making promises that were out of his hands. Before he left, he promised he'd come home safely, but I knew better than to hold him to that promise. He didn't necessarily have control over that, which was the scariest part of all. It was so hard letting him go, knowing there was a possibility that I'd be standing where I am today like this." I had to pause in order to control my ragged breathing. "When we were 17, on New Year's Eve, he swore to God that he'd marry me someday. I know he would've if he had just been given a little more time, but he wasn't, so that one was just barely out of reach. He always means well though. He's just trying to be the best he can for everyone." As heartbroken as I am that I will never get the chance to call Ian my husband, the memory brought a smile to my somber face. Just the thought of marrying Ian would do. It'd have to.

"Being informed of Ian's demise was soul destroying. Ian was my favorite person on this planet. He knew me better than anyone I've ever known. He loved me unconditionally. He was always there for me. There will always be a hole in my heart that only Ian could fill and a darkness in my life that could only be lit up by Ian. But, I know Ian. Everything he did was for us, the people he loved. He wants to see us all thrive and live out our dreams. I'm actually going to play a song that's not exactly traditional for funerals, but something tells me Ian will love it. If you just listen closely to the lyrics, you will understand."

I looked at the man that works at the funeral home, giving him a nod.

"You know I like my chicken fried, cold beer on a Friday night..." the song began to play and the room filled with sad laughter. This was mine and Ian's anthem in high school. He loved it, which many people know.

There was one line in particular that made me want it to be played during his eulogy.

"I thank God for my life and the Stars and Stripes. May freedom forever fly, let it ring. Salute the ones who died, the ones that gave their lives so we don't have to sacrifice all the things we love, like our chicken fried." The lyrics alone were enough to bring tears to my eyes, but the fact the room had filled with standing bodies, saluting the front of the room. For Ian. Because he was the one who had died, so that we wouldn't have to sacrifice the things we loved.