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  "Show me in the US Constitution where it says that it's illegal for receptionists to bamboozle vulnerable little kids," Jeremy picks up his phone and googles "US Constitution," clicks on the first PDF that pops up, and hands it over to me.

  "I mean, even if it's perfectly legal, I doubt it's moral," Christine tries to add to me, the defendant's case.

  Jeremy, the plaintiff, instead opted to say: "Are you and the receptionist like best friends? Like absolutely inseparable pals? That could explain her pranking you."

  "I talked to the receptionist about one thing. We had a quick little sentimental talk about Honkey Kong, then she had to go," I say, longingly remembering the moment.

  "Did you just... just say... Honkey Kong?"

  "I realized what I said as soon as it left my mouth, but I was seriously hoping you wouldn't notice."

  "How'd you even..."

  "I was thinking about Hong Kong and Donkey Kong at the same time, okay? Let's never talk about this again."

  "Why were you thinking about Hong Kong?"

  "I am going to publicly break up with you in a hospital if you keep asking questions, Heere."

  God, I feel dumb as fuck now. Not only did I say Honkey Kong in front of the love of my life, which is something he'll remember for years to come and ultimately use in our wedding vows as a way to publicly humiliate me, but my heart rate is through the roof. At this point I'm getting five announcements a day that Jeremy's actually dead, and five out of five times, he, y'know, isn't.

  While walking to the hospital I was already planning on what to do with Snoop and Schnappi now that their loving father had assumed room temperature. Hell, I was ready to side-step into the busy street and end it all. I was preparing an epic Theodore Roosevelt level speech where Rich would hold me in his arms as I lay almost lifeless on the road, and my last words would be something inspirational, that would be quoted on sites like Reddit for years to come.

  But Jeremy's fine, so I guess there goes my incredible popularity I would've gained if I would've given that epic speech. Fuck you, Jeremy. Y'know, for not dying. How will I be Internet famous now? God.

  While I was monologuing silently to myself, Rich and Christine were having an animated conversation, while Jeremy just wordlessly nodded and smiled at them every now and then.

  "Donkey Kong Jr actually fucking sucks. I would rip him to shreds if given the chance," Rich proclaims confidently, "You know what? Not even given the chance. I will actively seek him out and choke that fucker to death."

  "All that because you think his name is unoriginal? Isn't that a bit excessive?" Christine said, not surprised at Rich's graphic description of how he'd leave Donkey Kong Jr as a bloody pulp in the slightest.

  "I will eat his remains," Rich says, ambitiously, "A small price to pay for having the same name as your father."

  "Jake has the same name as his dad, would you rip him to shreds?" I butt into the conversation.

  "Jake is fine and valid. Now if his name was Jake Jr on the other hand..."

  "Can we go to Burger King?" Jeremy says, unprompted, "I've had a long day and I need to feel like a king."

  "I'll order the kiddies meal so we can get you a crown," Christine promises, already looking through her bag to make sure she has her wallet. She pays for everything, she is actually sent from above.

  "What if I actually want the kiddies meal?" Jeremy sighs melodramatically.

  "We can get something organised for you, Jeremy, God," she rolls her eyes, "It's like ten blocks away, so unless you want to have a midnight Burger King dinner, I'd suggest you guys get moving."

  "Burger Kings close at midnight, dumbass," I say offhandedly, I felt the need to apologize after calling Christine a dumbass, then again, I call everyone that, but saying it to Christine felt like I wasn't abiding some kind of unspoken law that all people automatically follow without there being any real discussion commanding people to do so beforehand.

  "If you think the Burger King being closed is going to stop us from getting in then you are very, very wrong," Rich, voted most likely to be sentenced to death for unforgivable war crimes, said.

  "We are not breaking into Burger King," Jeremy puts one hand on a shoulder and looks at him earnestly.

  "I will pummel the self-renowned Burger King to death with my own bare hands."

  "I'll help," Christine offers.

im back babey!!!!!!!

i got a house to stay in!! im no longer couch-hopping!! :) life is great!! please send all hatemail to my dm's!!!!! <3<3<3