So Close (a James Hetfield story)

Chapter 29

The other part of my healing process came from diving back into music. Being in L.A. offered me a ton more opportunities in the music industry, and I found regular work at a couple well known studios as a back-up singer. It proved to be a great training ground since I had to change up my vocalizations depending on the band recording that week, and it really challenged my skills and talent. I also met a group of studio musicians who were looking to form a band, and they asked me to join. Most were a little older and seasoned pros, and it was a dream playing with them. We performed a mix of music and became pretty popular around the club scene, and also got gigs playing a lot of high profile Hollywood type parties and events.

And I wrote a lot. A lot. Really fucking depressing shit too. But it was cathartic and I was grateful for it.

It was great being able to focus on things that were positive and made me feel productive, so I kept myself busy...as busy as I could without forgoing sleep. When I wasn't busy I started to think too much, and that was dangerous ground. Every day was about moving forward and not looking back. Looking back was not an option.

Six months after my move to Santa Monica, I had an unexpected but not unwelcome surprise; Kelly moved in. She and Patrick had broken up after she'd brought up the idea of them moving in together and he'd reacted badly. Really badly. She was heartbroken, and I completely understood her need to make a fresh start. Plus, I had the space and was secretly grateful for the company. Kel took over the guest bedroom, found a job with a design house, and suddenly we were back to being singleton roommates again after all these years. In some ways it felt like fate since we were each other's best support system and we were both going through an incredibly difficult time. We didn't have to explain to the other when a sad commercial sent us into crying fits, or had to justify buying ice cream in gallon size containers. We let each other wallow and we also kicked each other in the ass when enough was enough. Slowly we mended.

Apparently Kelly's heart fixed itself a lot faster than mine, as a handful of months later, she was the first to get back on the horse and start dating. She'd been out doing some Christmas shopping and had met some guy while in line to get coffee, and he'd asked her out to dinner. She's been hesitant to say yes but I convinced her to give it a go. The night of the date I waited up for her, ice cream and two spoons at the ready.

"So?" I asked as I watched her kick off the heels she's worn and sink down onto the couch.

She took a big bite of chocolate ice cream before answering. "It was good. He was nice."

"But...?"

"It was...weird. I kept having to remind myself to stop comparing him to Patrick."

She took another bite of ice cream and I could see her hand trembling.

"It's probably gonna be like that for a while hon." I kept my voice low and soothing. "I imagine it'll get easier."

"Yeah, I know it will. It was like this after my high school boyfriend and Ron too." She quirked a sad smile. "It's still hard though. Hard to start over when you had it so good."

I understood that sentiment completely.

"Well, I'm really proud of you Kel for taking this step and puttin' yerself out there."

We were quiet for a minute as we ate. 

Finally Kelly spoke up, her tone uncharacteristically subdued. "And what about you Lei, it's been a year and a half, when are you gonna start dating again?"

I was reaching my spoon towards the pint and stopped midway, my appetite suddenly gone. Setting the spoon down, I sank back into the sofa.

"I...I'm too busy to date. When would I even find the time...or an actual guy to go out with?"