SUNSET1989 [Published]

Sunset & Hala

January 2019, Ditemani Alunan Flume (Trauma) oleh Pirate Coeur De Pirate

"So what you have been doing this whole month?"Hala duduk di atas mangkuk tandas yang ditutup dan menyandar ke dinding berhadapan denganku. Dia keluarkan sebatang rokok dan menyalakannya, sebelum menyedutnya habis sehingga ke hujung rusuk lalu mengurut dadanya sebelum menyerahkan kepadaku.

"I have been trying to die." Aku menjawab sambil menyedut rokok. Tekakku terasa perit dan aku melepaskan batuk beberapa kali sebelum menyambung lagi. Dia bermain dengan pemetik api kerana sukakan bunyinya, dan kemudian dia menekan suis lampu di balkoni luar. Lampu tandas sudah lama rosak, tapi kami malas untuk membaikinya. Jadi kami anggap cahaya yang datang dari balkoni itu umpama bulan.

Kecil, tapi cukup untuk kami berdua. "Well. How was it? You are still alive now, so I assumed you have been failing over and over again. What did you do?" Dia menguis dinding seakan-akan ada kotoran melekat padahal bersih sahaja----kecuali terdapat palitan abu rokok yang terbang sewaktu dia menghembus asap.

"First, I try not to eat for the whole two weeks. I heard a lot of people die when they starve, but clearly it was not enough. They take years to turn their flesh to bones and their stomach bloat so much first. I woke up everyday thinking that this might be it, but all that I had was heart complications, because I was pressing too much of it when I could not bear the pain. It left bruises behind my back.

I had to drink because my lips have turned so dry, it hurts when I wanted to open my mouth. I have been losing my voice before though, so I couldn't speak well and it was hurtful enough. Imagine how ugly I was during that time. Voiceless, hopeless and in pain. So yes, I failed miserably for the first time.

So second, I thought about a place where I can disappear without giving trouble to people. I couldn't bear doing it with people that I care around me and I don't wanna die in a horrible way, so I listed many places that came into my mind: maybe just jump off a buildingthat nobody knows the existence, so I can go away quietly. But I suddenly remember that you used to tell me, a lot of people who chose this way to die, started to feel regret so they will struggle so much with their feet and when they finally reach the ground, their feet will be the first to be crushed badly."

Aku mengerutkan dahi mengambil sedutan terakhir dan menyerahkan kembali kepadanya. "Well, did you try to jump off the building then?" Dia capai air mangga dalam botol yang kami beli sebentar tadi. Dia memutar penutup botol dan meneguk air,menyambut rokok dariku.

"No. Like I said, I don't want to die in a horrible way, not by myself. So, I chose the ocean instead. I wanted to pull off the tank from my body, and drown, so when the salty water suffocates my body, I will explode quietly underwater. I was all ready, all determined. But when the day came to me, all I saw was the beauty of a world that I have never known.

The eagles were celebrating my existence by following the boat, the fishes were swimming seemingly all around me, it was so quiet and peaceful. My skin, was as pale as the sand beneath the sea, but it was beautifully glistening. And the people who were with me, who didn't know what I was going through, was throwing me all kinds of joyful words when they laughed at how dark I was after being burned by the sun.

I have failed again in my attempt."

"Do you think the universe was the cause of your failure? Do you think they were fighting against your will?" Dia tenang menyedut rokok dan mengambil bukuku yang terletak di rak kecil bersebelahan sinki. Dia menyelak helaian pertama sambil tersenyum, kemudian mengoyakmuka surat pertama dan dia bentukkan menjadi kapal terbang kertas. Dia mengambil pen yang aku sering guna untuk menandatangan buku dan dia tulis sesuatu di atasnya. Kemudian, dia hayunkan keluar tingkap.