((repost from my ig, just felt like i needed to put this here too))
im supposed to be studying for a chinese test for tom but i felt like i needed to rant a bit first? i woke up at one pm today and after eating and hygiene stuff ((blame the water shortages, i cant properly shower anymore most days)) it was abt 3 pm already, but i ended up only actually starting to study at 5 pm, telling myself that i needed to let myself relax a bit before studying bc ive been feeling rlly burnt out for the last few weeks
like the quarter just started two weeks ago and we've rushed out two lessons for araling panlipunan/social studies/history ish in about six periods and a pt, with similar pacing for every other subject
and ive barely had time to do anything creative? other than drawing in my sketchbook during recess and lunch
and when i do indulge a bit and let myself rest, prioritizing my health, my grades slip. my mom took one look at a recent ap test i failed in (i can count the number of times i failed smth this yr in one hand) and said "why isnt this a one hundred" and i nearly cried
and this tumblr thread my brother sent me?? just goddamn. precisely why i dont want to go school tomorrow. they'll be distributing our report cards tomorrow and im scared
and whenever me and my brother explain to our parents how tired, how burned out, how exhausted we are, they always say "you cant do anything abt it. you need education to go to college to get a good job"
and then what? meet a good man to get a good family? bullshit.
these days the only things keeping me alive are the one irl friend i have, bts, and you two. i see you. im so fed up w my fucking batch/year level and if it werent for that one irl friend i have i would gladly transfer to another school
im so done w worrying abt whether that 80 will prevent me from being on honor roll, whether my parents are proud of me, whether im good enough, whether those gossipy bitches are saying "oh shes so sad. so lonely. no friends. always alone. why isnt she louder? noiser? like us? always reading and drawing. englishera lang (only speaks english). putang inang yan. ang kawawa. sana nalang mamatay nalang siya."
and i promised myself a few weeks back. during pt season before exams that i'd do better this 2019. not be the same sad little shit i was when that son of a bitch dumped me, called me names, gossiped about me, wished my name was never attached to his, when i felt so worthless, when the skies were so grey and colorless, when i cried in the shower, trying to strangle myself with the telephone shower, thinking maybe this way i can finally stop everything, the glowering looks, the whispers, the murmurs,
i started journaling, keeping track of how i felt, but it all fell apart when i got busy again
and i feel like ive fallen back in that hole, that black hole, sucking everything inwards
im so scared of disappointing my parents, i dont want to let them down. they pay so much for my tuition fee i dont want to waste a single peso, but it's so hard to when every bloody day i feel so tired and lonely
that thread too, because im too tired to talk about how i feel my parents and peers and family members think of me
part of why im still attending this goddamned school is bc i rely on a scholarship, of which if i lose my spot on the honor roll it's over for me. my parents would have to fully cover the costs of my tuition and i see how expensive our costs are in just a single day, and i dont want to burden them even more, so i try harder. i always try harder. even if i hate learning chinese history, i have to put my 100% in it. i hate doing it, but i need to.
i need to go back to studying, wish me luck