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I am in love.
With a man I have known all my life, with a man who have accepted me beyond my endless flaws, with a man who have been with me, living more than a memory, even after closing his eyes in deep slumber, I have fallen deeply in love. And today, we will watch the sunrise.
We will watch the sunrise like we used to. I have in my hands his favorite flowers that only bloom in summer, the candles that he loves to smell every now and then. He says I smell like those candles and that I am a rare summer flower that he keeps because he seldom sees.
I pass by the sheltered road where the trees on each side grew really big. Their stems cling to each other like his fingers interlaced to mine. Those trees whose leaves are brushing against each other resemble my head on his shoulder, and his hand that caresses my hair. And we will walk that long road, under the shades of the gigantic trees that are witnesses to every 'I love you' he repeats on whispering right through my fond ear.
The start of the road is wonderful. There is nothing that leaves me in awe but standing at the beginning of that road and watching how beautiful those trees that stood there like couples lined up are. I am always excited to pass under those friends, but he will always stop me to tell me that I forget something. Then he will show me his hand, lock it to mine, and smile as we walk together. I keep on forgetting about it, but he keeps on reminding me. And I have always felt that it was a perfect walk as we laugh at the endless sweet nothings.
But that road is not perfectly wonderful. I stumble for many times at the rocky part. I slip at the slippery portion. But his hands are always there as they wait for me to reach for them. Then we will laugh at my clumsiness and stubbornness. There are also times that I cry when I feel I cannot handle the pain anymore, but his warm embrace always awaits for me, ready to tell me the beautiful words 'You will always be safe in my arms.'
Then I reach the end of the road. My eyes settle to a very specific spot at that place. I stoop to get the piece of shoe that is not really there but was once there. It is his. I gave it to him but it ended up scattered at this place— this really scary place. This end should see that kiss that should land to the lips of the most beautiful woman in his eyes. This end should be the place where two hands clasped with affection happily leaves. This end should witness the promise of a love that keeps on growing as the sun keeps on shining as soon as it rises.
But the worst even happened. There was no kiss, no clasped hands, no promise. There were only blood, tears, pain, never-ending sorrow... and a bright light from a roaring vehicle.
The sun slowly peeks as I continue our walk. I smiled as soon as I see it rising.
"My dear, here it comes," I smilingly tell him.
I feel his hand squeezed mine. I slowly close my eyes and feel his breath brush my cheeks and sway my long dark hair. I feel his arms warmly wrap around me. And I wait for his kiss to touch my cheek.
But it did not come.
I open my eyes to see that the sun is already up. I look down and smile at him, admiring him. Then I gave him his favorite flowers, lit the candle and put it on his bed covered with earth and grass.
"Good morning. I miss you. I really miss you."
But I know that no matter how many times I tell him that, there is no way he can come running to me again. I know that I have to walk everyday alone, that I have to pass by that wonderful yet painful road every day without him. I know that I have to survive every day all by myself. And that I have to see his shoe scattered at the end of it to wake me up from my longing, to stop me from bringing his memory to life.
But I am still in love.
With a man I can never have again, with a man for whom I would buy flowers and candles every passing day, with a man who I will never forget, living only as a memory after leaving me, but I still love and adore, I have fallen deeply in love.
