Bathe in Color

39. Grayson Pierce, Age 17, August 17, 2019

Despite Aaron's childish expression, I was on the verge of crying and could feel the tears building up in my eyes. How did he know? I barely even understood my feelings for him. I never expected him to discover them.

"Pierce, are you gay?"

When he said Pierce, a wave of relief flooded over me because we always referred to each other by our last names. It reminded me that Aaron still cared about me and was willing to listen. But his question shook me in ways I couldn't even imagine. I never wanted to address the idea, never wanted to even consider that I was gay. Of course I knew what it meant to be gay, yet I was too afraid to admit that I was. I couldn't take it. The tears flowed from my eyes. I didn't know what to do except sit there and try and keep myself from wailing like a bumbling idiot.

Then, Aaron gave me a hug, and he whispered in my ear, "I won't tell anyone."

***

For a while, everything remained the same. Aaron and I were still best friends, and, although Aaron was fine with me being gay, I tried as best as I could to be straight. I asked Holly Evans to the school's Winter Formal, which turned into a double date with Aaron and the girl he asked out - Bethany Prescott. We spent the night dancing, even though I had no idea how to dance and kept stepping on Holly's feet. Then, when the night was over, Holly kissed me, and I felt absolutely nothing. Holly was one of the sweetest girls in the world, but no nerve in my body felt anything romantic toward her.

A week after the dance, Aaron came over for a sleepover. We stayed up and watched Back to the Future Part II because Aaron couldn't wait to see it after the first one.

Except, that night, Aaron was acting differently. I couldn't really figure out how, but I knew something was off. Maybe it was the shy way he shrunk in his bundle of blankets or the abnormal quiet that feel between us. It was like I could see his heart clenching behind his ribs, beating out an anxious drumroll.

Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore. I paused the movie and looked Aaron right in the eyes.

"Fields, what's up?"

"I need to tell you something, but you can't tell anybody. It's a grown-up thing, and I don't really know how to say it because a part of me can't even believe it myself."

There were a million thoughts running through my mind like the speed of light, and I was aching to know what Aaron so desperately wanted to tell me.

"Promise me, Pierce, promise me you won't tell a soul."

I promised.

"So you know how, the day after Winter Formal, I went over to Beth's house to watch a movie?"

I nodded.

"Well, we were right at the beginning of it, and all of a sudden she kissed me, and I was horrified but excited at the same time. And so we kept kissing for a little while, and pretty soon I didn't even know what was going on. I don't know what to do, Pierce. I was horrified that someone would walk in on us, and I was horrified my parents would find out. I just really need my friend right now. I hadn't even kissed a girl before, and I know girls aren't really your department, but I was fucking scared."

Now it was Aaron's turn to cry, and I was right there to hold him while he sobbed into my shoulder.

***

Some of us grow up way too late. Some of us grow up way too soon. Most people think growing up means getting taller and getting horny or some shit like that, but it's all much larger than that. It's coming to the realization that life sucks sometimes, that life is scary sometimes, and that life is uncontrollable sometimes.

For Aaron, it was when Bethany Prescott kissed him on her basement couch.

For me, it was when Valerie Fields found out the real reason her husband was gone so much. For me, it was when Valerie Wilson (maiden name, not married name) got full custody of Aaron and Chester Fields and moved back to her parent's home in Maine. For me, it was when I had to say goodbye to the first boy I loved, even though I knew I said goodbye to him a long time ago. At least when Aaron was around, I could dream of kissing him like Beth kissed him. At least when Aaron was around, I could imagine holding his hand like lovers do. I knew he was straight. I knew he was falling for Beth because, no matter how much it scared him, he wanted to kiss her and touch her and do grown-up things with her that I couldn't imagine without breaking into tears.

For me, it was losing all hope of falling in love again, because being gay meant getting my heart broken by straight boys who didn't mean any harm when they didn't see me the way I saw them.

For me, it was vowing to lock away those feelings. For me, it was losing my virginity to Holly Evans. For me, it was rejecting who I was and replacing him with someone I never wanted to be. For me, it was pretending to be proud whenever I was around my friends, the only people I was out to. For me, it was getting a tattoo that proclaimed my sexuality even though I rejected my pride any chance I could.

For me, it was living a lie for way too long.

It's time to start telling the truth.