If Looks Could Kill, I'd Be Dead.

stage 16

Envy vs. jealousy. 

i'm not jealous, there no reason to be jealous there is no proof i'm jealous, because Brendon isn't and never was mine we were just friends and just because i woke up and the they were cuddling on the couch means nothing. See i'm not jealous, like i said Brendon was never mine, what i am is envyness i want what Dallon has with Brendon and i want is SO badly to openly kiss him and give him all my love, but i can't. dallon isn't a bad person and i'm not mad at him its not his fault you can't choose who you love or who loves you, but sometimes i wish you could but i don't want to hurt Dallon or Brendon's relationship with my fucking feeling. 

though ever since Dallon told me about Brendon's affection i started to care more about taking my pills everyday and telling Tyler my feelings so i don't explode on others who don't deserve it. But Tyler is leaving tomorrow so me and him made a plan to spend the entire day together doing all the things that he and i use to before he left. 

So he and i left and went to the place we first met. a block outside school he was getting picked on for having short 'lesbian' hair. "Oh...remember right after this you asked if i could keep a secret?" i asked smiling at the flower we planted there a few years ago. It was old and wilted but still beautiful as ever "ya...then i told you i was trans," he spoke and touched the wilted flower it was still soft and healthy feeling " and you accepted me wholeheartedly, that's when i knew you would be the only person i could trust." he looked at me from the flowers and smiled "and then i told you i was gay." i smiled and helped him up like when we first met "

hey can you keep a secret?" he asked and i laughed 

"only if you can keep one too." he chucked and we continued walking toward his house. 

we looked up at the old house it's still as beautiful as ever "hmm looks just like it did when i left." he said. "Isn't this where we had our first kiss?" i asked unsure, he scrunched his nose "ya! we were so young and stupid."he laughed i remembered that so vividly we were talking about us not having our first kisses a how the homecoming dance was coming and i looked at him and he kissed me then apologized profusely and the next day we laughed it off like idiots. 

We walked to the ice cream shop it was really far away from his house but it was fine i struck up a new conversation " i still don't know how you meet josh" i said confused. He smiled and i could tell he was coming up with a lie 

" well me and josh were riding a train and it crashed and we were the only survivors, but the collision was so bad that we ended up right next to each other from opposite sides of the train and i was like 'hey i'm Tyler' and he said 'i'm josh' and then i started dating him after that." he smiled to himself proud of his improv skills. 

We reached the shop and walked in i ordered for him and he did the same for me. I ate vanilla and he had cookies and cream.we continued to talk about josh, Brendon, Spencer, and Dallon. After that we went shopping at hot topic and i bought a pride pin to match Tyler's trans pin. We left the store and went back to the hospital.

 Tomorrow is going to be hard for me to let him go again.