Matches | √

Chapter Thirty-Two

ray | a narrow beam of light

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5/28/17

MY ROOM IS the same, and yet completely different all at once.

The picture on my nightstand of my mother and I on my fifth birthday is no longer there. My favorite cozy blanket that always resides at the end of my bed, gone. The random clothes strewn about and hanging out of my open dresser drawers, non-existent.

Everything is packed up and in the back of my mother's car, because today is the day we start our drive to Illinois to move me into college. The furniture still remains, but the parts of me that made this room mine are all gone and packed into suitcases and boxes.

With a deep breath I step away from my childhood bedroom and close the door behind me. Shut the door on that part of my life and walk down the stairs towards my mother and the car that will bring me towards my next phase.

"Ready?" My mother's voice rings out from the front door. I take the last couple steps to see her standing there with the car keys spinning on her index finger.

The night of graduation I did speak with my mother. I apologized for being so distant and cold, and vaguely mentioned my break up with Asher. But I still couldn't take that leap and have the talk I know we need to have.

But now I have eighteen hours in a car with her. Nowhere to run and hide.

Our drive starts off quiet with the radio providing the only sound between us as we finally speed onto the highway and head north for over a thousand miles. My head falls back against the headrest as minutes fall to hours and we ride in deep silence. I want to talk to her. I want the air to be cleared between us before I sit in my dorm four states and almost an entire day's drive away.

"Are you okay?" My mother finally breaks the silence as her worried gaze settles on me before falling back to the road ahead.

My body tenses at her question because I don't truly know how to answer it. "Yeah," I breathe out awkwardly.

I see my mother's hands tighten around the steering wheel. "Is it about Asher?" she questions with a slight pause as if she's nervous to bring up his name around me.

My head shakes slightly in response. "No, not really anyways," I trail knowing we are about to head down a path that neither of us is ready for, but at the same time need to move us forward with no more secrets holding us back.

"Then tell me what really happened," she pushes just like she did the night of graduation, but I avoided the topic only telling her that I ended things. Not why. I wanted to live in the shadows a little longer and pretend things are okay between us before we shine the light and expose all the secrets we've been keeping in the dark from each other.

I raise an eyebrow. "You really want to know?" I ask a doubtfully. "You didn't seem to really like the idea of us together anyways," I say letting the truth fall from my lips easily.

Her hands twist around the steering wheel with a pause as the air stills between us. "I just want you to be able to talk to me again," she practically whispers. Even though her words are soft they hit me in the chest so hard my heart aches and I feel breathless as pain slithers through me.

My teeth worry my bottom lip and my hands clench with a nervous energy I don't know how to contain. "I couldn't change him," I say without a second thought. I spill the unfiltered truth.

"What?" she questions, obviously confused by my choice of words.

I wet my lips. "Asher," I clarify. "What we had wasn't healthy, and it wasn't love. It was messy and felt amazing but it was just lust," I explain hating the way memories still attack me when I speak about the boy who broke me and burned me in ways I will never forget. My heart will forever wear the scars he caused.