Matches | √

Chapter Twenty

beam | a ray or shaft of light

• • •

3/22/17

"I CAN'T BELIEVE we are actually doing this," my mother repeats for the millionth time excitingly this week as we cruise down the interstate in a rented jeep with the windows down. A warm laugh escapes my mother and a smile spreads across her lips making the skin around her eyes crinkle.

"You've said that," I remind her with a smile I can't stop. I haven't seen my mother this happy and carefree in a long while and my heart expands in my chest at the sight of it now. Content winds through my bones knowing even though I will be leaving her soon she will be okay without me so close.

"I know," she laughs. "It's just something we've talked about for years and I can't believe we're actually doing it," she tells me as she shakes her head as if still in awe we kept our word on this trip.

Since I was a freshman in high school we've had this plan to drive across the country for my senior year spring break. Drive from Easton to California, and stop in different cities in between. See towns we've never heard of, stop at random food stands along the way, meet interesting people and gain new friends, and of course celebrate my eighteenth birthday. This was always going to be our last grand adventure together. Well at least until I graduate college. European backpacking here we come.

My teeth graze my bottom lip with pause. "Mom," I start slowly pulling my wind blown hair into a ponytail.

Sensing my more serious tone she rolls up the windows all of the way so she can hear me. "Yeah?" she asks, her eyebrows drawing together in questioning.

Her similar eyes meet mine, watching me. "Thank you," I tell her earnestly.

My mother tilts her head in confusion. "For what?" she questions with a chuckle.

"For this," I say, lifting my hands and motioning at the car, the trip we are on. "For everything," I clarify. "For taking time off work to do this with me. For pushing me to go to a school far away and supporting me through the next part of my life." My words fall off towards the end as my throat clogs with overwhelming emotions.

Water lines my mother's eyes as she flickers her gaze between the road and me. She sniffles a few times as if trying to push the tears away. "You're going to make me cry Maeleigh," she complains playfully.

"Don't cry," I tell her with a laugh. "I just want you to know I appreciate you," I say, needing her to know how grateful I am for her in my life, and what she's done for me to get where I am today.

My mother places a hand over mine and squeezes. "I'm glad we are doing this also," she agrees. "I'm going to miss you," she says with a hint of sadness passing through her eyes.

"Same," I breathe as a small flash of pain strikes my chest. My head falls against the headrest as a blur of trees pass by and the sky begins to turn pink as the sun starts to set. We left early to get a head start on the drive and it's crazy to think the day is almost drawing to a close.

I've been ignoring texts from Francesca all day because the guilt of being with Asher has been gnawing away at me. This darkness that's been growing inside me I've come to hate just as much as I love, and I fear what it may turn me into. "Mom, I think I've done something bad," I say before I can stop myself. The words fall out as if I need to speak them to someone, as if I need to get this weight off of my chest.

My mother scoffs at me. "I doubt that," she says in disbelief. I almost want to laugh, if only she knew what I've done, what I've become under Asher's flaming touch.