Red vs Blue Season 1

Episode 7

Blue Base

Caboose is looking through the sniper rifle at Simmons in the back of the Warthog firing at Church and Tucker.

Caboose: Oh my god, that jeep has a really big gun. (puts down the sniper rifle and looks back and forth) Stay here... Tank... Stay here... Tank... ..Ah, screw it. (runs off to the tank)

Canyon Wall

Church and Tucker are behind a rock with bullets hitting the canyon wall behind them.

Church: My god, doesn't that thing ever run out of bullets?

Tucker: You know, in hindsight, we should have brought the tank.

Church: Hey, Tucker, what good is a tank gonna do us if nobody here knows how to drive it?

Tucker: Yeah, I can see how hiding behind a rock is a much better strategy.

Church: Well, yeah, but... oh man, I guess I gotta give that one to ya.

Near Blue Base

Caboose is seen hopping in the tank. As the canopy closes, the tank turns on.

Tank: Hello, and thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila.

Caboose: Hello. Sheila. Big tank lady.

Sheila: Would you like me to run the tutorial program?

Caboose: Oh, that'd be very nice. Thank you.

Sheila: Tutorial program activated. This program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of this Scorpion class tank. Let's begin with some driving.

Caboose: Okay.

Canyon Wall

Simmons firing the Warthog's gun with Grif on the ground behind him.

Grif: Simmons. SIMMONS!

Scout: JUST USE THE COM!

Simmons stops firing, and steps down.

Scout: Nevermind.

Grif: Man, that thing is loud.

Sheila drives by in the background.

Simmons: ...WHAT?

Grif: Come on, let's sneak around the back of the rock and get 'em out.

Simmons: OKAY.

Grif: Keep it down! Jesus. Let's go, before they figure out what's going on.

Middle of the Canyon

Caboose having Sheila stranded on a tall rock and turning to try to get off.

Sheila: Now that you've mastered driving the M808V, let's move on to some of the safety features.

Caboose: No, no, wait, go back! Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?

Canyon Wall

Church peeking out from the side of the rock. Tucker is still standing behind it.

Church: (whispering) Psst, hey, they stopped firing.

Tucker: Why are you whispering?

Church: (whispering) Uhm... I don't know.

Simmons, Scout, and Grif standing at the foot of a cliff.

Grif: Aw, crap, I don't think we're gonna be able to get around this way.

Simmons: Tell me again, uh, why did we get out of the jeep?

Sheila rolls up right behind them.

Grif: Well, I guess it was this or sit there and watch you shoot rocks all day long.

Sheila's turret looks at Grif, then at Simmons, then Scout as they speak.

Simmons: Well, at least that was fun.

Scout: This is much better than you having fun.

Grif, Scout, and Simmons turn simultaneously to see the tank.

Grif: Holy CRAP. What in God's name is that thing?

Scout: It's an M808V Main Battle Tank. They're pretty cool.

Church and Tucker are looking at the vacant Warthog.

Church: Tucker, don't be stupid. They're just trying to draw us out.

Tucker: No they're not, look - they left the jeep. They're gone.

Church: Well, I don't know about this. It seems pretty fishy, but... alright screw it, let's go get it.

Sheila's HUD shows her cross hair slowly home in on Grif's head.

Grif: Dude, hold still. I don't think it sees us.

A tone goes off indicating target lock.

Scout: That's not how tanks work, Grif.

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A/N: Edited 02/28/24