Shadow

It Was Never About Me

"This is not your fault. Their deaths are not on you. Take it from someone who kills for a living"

My heart begins to beat faster as it aches with pain.

I can't save myself, but I can save them. Let me do this. I have to. There is no other way out of this.

His eyes are hard and vacant as they stare back at me with anger.

"Fine"

He gets up quickly leaving me, cold and hopeless, slamming the door on his way out. The ache in my chest grows and I feel like my stomach is caving in and hollowing out. 

A light knock on the door causes me to wipe my tears. Leo's head peaks in and his searching eyes land on me before softening. He steps in and closes the door behind him quietly and takes a seat on the bed cautiously. We sit in silence as he fiddles with his fingers bouncing his leg up and down in nervous motion.

"I'm getting ready to tell you something, but you have to promise me that you won't tell him"

I turn my head towards him and he glances at me through the side of his eye. He closes his eyes and breathes deeply.

"When Jay and I were about seven our parents died. We were stuck in this big house with our grandmother and no one else. Coincidentally, about a couple of nights later Don shows up. Suitcase in one hand back strap in the other and he just had this........look. It was like he had been traumatized or brainwashed or something. He just kept looking into space as if he lost touch with reality or something. We were all young so of course we were just told that he was going to be staying with us and to just make him feel welcomed. It wasn't till later on of course that we learned that his father went bat shit crazy and stabbed his mother then himself. He watched it all from under the bed then held his mother before she died. That's some dark shit to handle, especially when your a kid, ya know? Anyway, we grew up together, trained together, he became family from that moment on. A second brother, except with an actually brain. I know Don like that back of my hand and he's dealt with his demons, but............there was always something different about him" Leo chuckles humorously.

"When training to be a Shadow you have to learn the ways of a shadow. That transporting thing we do, not easy. Yet, for him, it all just came so naturally and then some. No one understood it, not even Don, he just felt it. So, I researched and dug so deep into the past I'm surprised I wasn't suck into a time vortex. I learned about this race of beings from the time when Jesus himself walked. I was never to clear on what they were, but they are dark. I think they were the original Shadows"

Original Shadows?

"Their job was to keep order....balance if you will. They were the Outcasts, abominations made by God to serve one purpose. Protect. From what I read, they were wiped out in the war of Above and Below and only one remained standing after. Each scripture translated to......The Prince of Darkness. It's funny because, after that, there was nothing, no notes, drawings, scriptures, writings......nothing. He just disappeared of the face of the earth until...."

"Until Don" I finish.

"Kyra" Leo sighs.

"Don is different, he holds something inside of him that he hasn't even come to comprehend. He's learned control, but his patience only goes so far"

"Why are you telling me this?" I sigh. I see Leo's hands tighten into fists. 

"Before he took your case he was.....hurting. Now every time I see him he's...calm. More level-headed than I've ever seen him. He even smiles sometimes. Every time your not right by his side he's anxiously tapping his foot in this really irritating-"

"That's his job Leo, he's supposed to protect me" I reason.

"I know, but it's different with you. He's connected to you. He hears you, Kyra!" his voice cracks like a whip. I shut my mouth instantly and swallow my rebuttal.

 "When you speak he listens. When your hurting, he is too, he can feel it. You are more than just a charge to him. I haven't seen him like this since we were seven years old. I've been trying to get that Don back for God knows how long and then you stroll in here and he's putty in your freaking hands! You may not think your worthy of living, or deserving of the power that you were given but there is no one more perfect for it than you! You accomplish the impossible with just a lift of your finger and you bring back that spark in my best friend, something I never thought would happen! You are so much more than what you think Kyra" his frustration with me peaking. as if realizing he was yelling he closes his eyes and let's out a muffle sigh through his nose.

"He's angry with you because he cares. Because he's feeling that hurt that he's felt for so long and he's afraid that he'll go back to the same terrible feeling if he loses the only one good thing he has in his life"

Leo's eye water and he sniffles before wiping away them away and looking down avoiding eye contacting with me.

"What I'm trying to say is, your not the only person here who is losing something out of this. So before you go trying to end it all, maybe you should think about someone else other than your god damn self for once"

Leo rises and disappears into smoke leaving me stunned.

I am the most inconsiderate person I've ever met in my life. 

My whole life it's always been me against the world. I've always been told that I was never good enough so I just started to believe it. I was never worthy enough to walk into a room full of people anywhere, no matter who they were or what there purpose for being there was, I just never belonged. I tried to make myself conform and fit hoping that maybe......just maybe it would work and I would feel that sense of belonging but all it ever brought me was the cold hard blade of realization cutting into me. I wasn't worthy because I was weak. I wasn't worthy because I didn't believe in myself. I wasn't worthy because I was never actually like them in the first place. Now I've got my wish, a shitload of people telling me that I'm powerful and that they believe in me. I respond with stumbling around like a fool and running away like a scared little girl. I can almost hear God's mocking voice as he chuckles, "You've got all this power. What are you going to do with it?"

What will I do with it?

It's time to put my big girl panties on and take a huge bite of out reality. I've been knocked down so many times and had people continuously helping me up. Now, it's time that I get up on my own.

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As I stare up at the stars I chant:

"Get up Kyra. Getup"

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Heyo! I wrote a whole single spaced paper, but after I wrote this.....

Anyway, I've got a project I need and only a day to complete it so wish me luck!

Love,

Sunshine XOOxx