novacaine // a.i. {discontinued}

~ 1.4 ~ im so sorry ~

1110 days later

September 22, 2010

Age 16

I called and called and called. No answer. I was becoming one of them. The girls that couldn't seem to let go of a relationship that wasn't real. The girls that couldn't tell dreams from reality. The girls that I always made fun of. Now, I was one of them.

But it felt real. It felt so real. Everything with Ashton was 100 percent real. So where did it go wrong? Why did he leave? When did it stop becoming real?

That's all I asked myself for the first couple of days. Why did he leave? With every hug, kiss, and touch, he never seemed to have any objection. He was perfectly fine with it. Actually, he initiated most of them. So why did he leave?

There was pain. My heart physically hurt. I said that a lot, but this time was different. This time it wasn't a joke. It wasn't the kind of heartache you get from staring at a picture of Jack Barakat for too long. No, this was the real thing. This was gut-wrenching and unbearable.

However I never cried. After leaving the alley in sorrow, I wiped my tears and forced myself to stop. I wouldn't let some boy make me into somebody else. Once, I finished the lonely walk back to my house, I cleaned myself up and tried to get some rest.

I didn't sleep that night. I stayed up until the sun rose. I stared at the ceiling and spent my night thinking. I didn't have the motivation to climb onto the on the rooftop. It would hurt to much. Instead, I stayed up, thinking about why I let a boy in like that when I knew nothing good could ever come out of it.

The demons came back every night. They repeated the words over and over.

I told you so.

He didn't care.

Nobody does.

That's why he left.

Why should he waste his time on some worthless girl?

I vowed to never go back to the alley again. Even if I did, it wouldn't be for a long time. Hopefully, somebody else will come across it, and they'd have a better outcome than me.

It was my novacaine. A drug that can stop the pain, but only temporarily. Once the numbing wears off, you're left with the empty shell that you were before. The temporary end to all trouble is worth it. It makes you feel alive. But if you have too much of it, it can tear you apart inside and out.

There was also regret. Regret followed the pain. Regret of everything from not following him to not having said anything in the first place.

I should've followed him. Maybe he would still be here if I did, but I didn't. In the midst of all my hurt, the idea didn't even come to mind. It wasn't until he left that I thought of it. If only I would've thought it earlier.

I should've kept my mouth shut. None of the previous events would've occurred if I didn't say anything. Everything would be fine. We would still be staying up until late, talking for hours on end. We would still be having fun, laughing over stupid jokes. We would still be holding each other, crying over worthless thoughts. We would still be something.

I shouldn't have let him in in the first place. I showed him all my deepest and darkest secrets when he didn't show me his. His charm that could make anybody drop to their feet fooled me. His dimples that could light up an entire world fooled me. His giggle that could feed a hundred hungry children fooled me. But the second I became useless to him, he left.

But with pain and regret comes hope. I held onto that tiny piece of me. The one that told me he'd come back. He couldn't just throw it all away, right? All the talking for hours on end. All the laughing at stupid jokes. All the times crying over worthless thoughts. He couldn't just throw it all away.

Hope was what turned me into one of them. I wanted him to come back. I needed him to. But he never did. 74 texts, 52 calls, and 21 voicemails later, I still heard nothing from him. All I had left was the bright voice that rang when he didn't pick up, telling me to leave a message. I did. I left 21 messages, but never did I get anything back.

So I called and called and called. Until nothing happened. Absolutely nothing. That's when I hit my breaking point. I clutched onto the phone as the robotic voice rung.

We're sorry. You have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service. If you feel you have reached this recording in error, please check the number, and try your call again.

Did I really repel him so much that he felt the need to disconnect his number? I angrily threw my phone at the wall. I knew I was being irrational. I knew I was being overdramatic. I knew I was being one of them. But I didn't care.

That's what pain was. It pushes you to the point where you don't care anymore.

I needed closure. I needed answers. I need to know why he left so suddenly. Since he so deliberately disconnected his phone, I wouldn't be getting any if I sat here and sulked.

I found myself standing in front of an apartment door. I raised my arm to knock but hesitated. Did I really want to do this? Would it be better if I just didn't find out and leave it be? My curiosity got the best of me, and I lightly knocked on the door.

Instead of Ashton, Michael answered the door. "Um, hey, Scarlett, what are you doing here?" he questioned.

"Is Ashton here?" I hopefully asked.

"No, why would he be here?" My eyebrows furrowed, highly confused.

"Why wouldn't he be here? He lives here, right?"

Michael froze for a minute. "That son of a bitch," he muttered. "He told you that didn't he?" I nervously nodded. Michael's comment unnerved me. He lived here. He had to. He had a key and everything. So why did I feel like everything he ever told me was a lie?

Michael stepped forward and pulled me into a deep hug. "I'm sorry, Scarlett. He lied to you, that bastard. I'm so sorry."

I didn't return the hug. My arms laid limply by my side. Michael didn't seem to mind. He held me for a couple of minutes in complete silence.

"I'm sorry, too," I whispered.

He slightly pulled away from me, confusion in his eyes. He stared at my face for a second before giving me a sad smile. "You don't have anything to be sorry about."

"But I am."

I was sorry. Nobody would ever understand it except for me in that moment of time. I was so sorry. Sorry that I let a boy I've known for so little time in my walls. Sorry that I let a boy that I knew nothing about get to me. Sorry that I let a boy tell me nothing but lies for so long.

~

ok guys i know it's kinda confusing rn and you're probably like what but i swear it'll all make sense later it's just gonna be a long long long time until it does but it'll all come together

so basically ashton is being poopy

scarletts like bruh why u leave idc but i do care

and michaels like cuddles and hugs yay 

so some marlett (?) (or sichael?) (i shouldnt be allowed to make ship names) for you

pukey lukey comes in the next chapter yay mucas lucas

sotc: i miss you by blink 182 aka best song in the history of forever and i wish i wrote it bc wow

self promo time so um follow my twitter @iristiel 

and my instagram @obeystyles and @iris.is.a.penguin (with the periods) pls don't mention this fanfic on my personal

anyways um ily 

and idk man thats about it

~iris