Achieving Serenity

Offended

Channeling Emotions

Lately, I've been really questioning my purpose in life and am constantly second-guessing my personal goals. It seems no matter how hard I try, the deck is stacked against me and I'm stuck realizing my dreams are all fantasies. I know the universe is ready to give me whatever I ask of it, but it's as if I don't even know what exactly it is that I want. Sometimes I feel like if luck was handed to me, I wouldn't even know what to do with it.

I awoke around 8:30 am to my bladder alarm clock, which I subserviently tended to before having my morning cigarette. I thought about making coffee, but then I remembered who I am and what my mundane life is all about. I had nothing to look forward to; I had run out of weed and barely had five dollars to my name. I decided to go back to sleep to shave some hours off of my waking day.

I was able to sleep for a couple more hours before the daylight seeping in became too bright and my body was merely done resting. I wanted to slumber back into my dreams, but my body was not having it. I got out of bed and started the coffee before waking my computer to curiously check the Internet. That was pretty much my thing- I would surf the Internet for hours and wait for it to tell me something good. Unfortunately, I didn't make any money and was getting the notion that my parents were fed up with paying my bills. Like it or not, I was going to have to find a job.

I started surfing the Internet, checking out my usual forums. I saw a thread about my favorite comedian, Roger Brucietti who apparently had recently made some jokes that put the social justice world in an outrage. I clicked the link to the article from a well-established company and was disgusted by the hate that was being directed toward Brucietti. I just couldn't believe they were putting in so much time to destroy his career.

Brucietti's career plummeted after it was found out that he used his high comedic status to take advantage of inspired female comedians. He would invite them back to his room and masturbate in front of them, and as a result, was outed by several women. I didn't have Roger's back on this whole drama but was genuinely upset when he subsequently vanished from the comedy scene. He stayed back in the shadows for years after putting forth a statement, apologizing for his actions and stating he was going to 'sit back and listen' instead of proceeding to do and say whatever he wanted.

A couple of weeks ago an audio recording was leaked of him performing new stand up material, and I couldn't be more thrilled. I was so excited to hear what his comedy would be like after the whole incident. I had listened to the entire leaked set and was impressed by his even edgier material. He had me laughing hysterically and I was put at ease knowing my hero had returned.

But now the world was roasting Brucietti like he was some sort of entity and not a human being. I don't know why, but the entire backlash infuriated me. As I finished reading the article criticizing him for his offensive material, I did my own research on the article's author, wanting to know why she felt she needed to post this inane nonsense. I revived my Twitter account so I could personally tweet her and ask her why she feels she is making the world a better place with the hatred she's spreading.

I don't understand why people would care about a comedian making offensive jokes. If they don't like the way it makes them feel, why do they even listen to it? Why don't they just avoid the comedian altogether? It just doesn't make sense to me why people care.

I spent the next week continuing in my slump, questioning God about what I was supposed to do next. I wanted to be a writer, but it seems like just maybe I don't have what it takes. I can't think of any new stories lately, and this block doesn't seem to be going anywhere. I truly believe it may be possible I'll never be able to write a new story ever again.

My morning routine became more rigid by the day. I would wake up early and have a cigarette then continue to sleep in. I'd wake up around noon or one and make coffee then browse the internet. I would always read something I hated early on in the day, and the bitter feeling I'd experience first thing in the morning always would seem to set the tone for the rest of the day. I kept on harassing various authors of articles who bashed Brucietti, demanding a personalized response. For whatever reason, I was taking this more seriously than I had ever anticipated.

And before I knew it, the answers I had been asking the universe were being responded to. The feelings I had about Roger Brucietti's comedy was nothing more than a representation of my happiness. There had been so many dark times in the past when I would listen to his comedy and my worries would drift away. He would brutally joke about the inevitably depressing things in life, and all of a sudden I would feel like everything was okay.

Just a few years ago, Brucietti was on top of the world, getting awards and being praised by everyone. It seemed as if he was the god of comedy. If I'm being honest, I was starting to get annoyed by the whole thing. I wanted Roger to be taken down a notch because I felt like he had become too arrogant. But now that he had left and abruptly come back, I remembered all the good times he had given me. When I read on the Internet that he was being attacked, I had felt personally attacked. I had felt like the press was declaring war on my happiness.

So this must be what the people who were offended by his remarks feel like.

I understand it now. Maybe not it in the utmost empathetic way, but if anything it made more sense to me. I had asked the universe "why?! Why do people care?! Why don't they simply turn away?" Because they felt personally attacked- like somebody was threatening their right to a life of serenity.

Here I was- harassing authors and experiencing genuine anger and other negative emotions, all because of another person's words. I could've avoided the articles altogether, but like the offended, I chose to seek out the things that angered me. I wasn't mad at the people who were offended by my favorite comedian's joke; I was mad at myself.

I'm done wasting energy into this fiasco. I had realized the entire Roger Brucietti controversy was merely my outlet for releasing suppressed hatred. I needed to find the source of these carried emotions, so I can process them healthily. I cannot continue to target others and treat them with disrespect, justifying my actions with having felt personally attacked. Anger is a natural emotion, but I need to channel it in a healthy and proper manner.