The Run and Go

dont wanna call you in the nighttime

this may seem long, but its because ive copied and pasted an entire song into it😎

i never realized how many words (lyrics?) are in drown until now but it would be awkward to just put half of the song oops

this is also a big ol mess,, youve been warned

its tuesday. me and josh are walking to my house from school. 

today my school counselor called me down to her office. 

she asked why my grades have plummeted. i told her that im stressed.

she didn't believe me for unknown reasons. my second excuse, im tired. she tells me that she thinks im depressed. i told her that she isn't my therapist. she let me go after that.

we go out to my backyard, sitting on the porch swing. my mom isn't home. 

"josh, can i tell you something?" this isn't a big deal. why am i making it a big deal? he says that i can tell him anything. 

i decide that this really doesn't matter and that it doesn't even need to be said like its a big deal. oh fuck why did i "tyler?" 

"um im depressed." i mumble, he holds my hand. "i know." i look up at him, he has a sad smile.

"i can tell, tyler. i didn't want you to be upset if i said anything." i just assumed he didn't care.

i nod and look out at the back yard, we sit in silence. i regret saying anything. 

"sorry." he tells me not to apologize. i roll up my sleeve, he gasps. 

"tyler, why did you do this?" i shrug. i tell him i don't know. 

he says to never do it again, i shrug again. "okay." i see the saddened look on his face and guilt courses through my veins. what have i done?

"tyler, these look pretty new, when did you do this?" "last night i think, or maybe the night before. i dont remember." he sighs and touches my wrist lightly. it doesn't hurt anymore. 

he didn't walk away, he didn't leave me. 

fuck, this isn't what i had planned. why didn't he leave? why does he care so much??

did i want him to leave me? fuck, im horrible. 

this causes me to kiss him because i feel guilty. "what was that for?" he asks, smirking slightly. "i dunno." he kisses me again.

this is going to be harder than i thought. 

maybe if i write him a really nice note, he wont be so sad if i do it.

maybe. 

i had sex with him a few moments later because i felt guilty. is that healthy? 

i dont think i enjoy anything anymore. when he smiles at me, the fire doesn't burn so bright. everything is becoming so dull.

josh had to go home, something to do with his brother. i kiss him on the cheek, promise him that i will be okay, and he leaves. 

i go up to my room and attempt at being productive for the first time in weeks. 

maybe ill write a song or something. 

i pick up the pen with my shaky hand and press it to the paper, letting my thoughts guide my hand.

here i come, come to you in the very clothes

that i killed, killed you in and now I know I'm alone i walk to you, rain falls from you can you wash me, can you drown me?