The Run and Go

i cant take them on my own

god damn it, i'm sad again.

it's not even two am, what is this bullshit

sad boi hours my ass

more like sad boi weeks. 

sad boi months.

sad boy decades????

thats too hyperbolic.

anyways....

i wish my mom didn't have to be such a nice mom.

i wish that josh didn't have to be such a good boyfriend. why he gotta take care of me like that???? 

i literally just kinda want to die 

but what reasons do i have?? i've lived a pretty alright life. didn't have a traumatic childhood or anything like that.

so what the fuck???

serotonin??? idk her...

"tyler? what are you thinking about babe?" josh waves a hand in front of my face, smiling. 

"oh yes hello sorry i was thinking about stuff. you know how it is." i tap my head and he laughs a little, putting an arm around me, looking back at the tv. 

"thats okay, you're brain gets intense sometimes, i know." i rest my head on him, i'm exhausted from doing nothing. 

thats wack, isn't it? i do nothing all day, i just sit around. when im at school, im just on autopilot. i don't remember what happened in fifth period today, but what does it matter? who cares about the difference between mitosis and meiosis anyways?

i guess i do remember some of biology i guess. wont help me in the future anyway. 

i say that like i'm going to live past high school.

ew, high school.

dont even remind me of that god forsaken wasteland.

yeah, i do have a pretty alright group of friends and my boyfriend is one of the most liked people in the school, but do they like me? probably not enough to miss me if i left. 

i wish that i wasn't afraid to hurt my mom and josh's feelings if i were to kill myself. thats really the only thing holding me back. 

stupid, lovely, caring people. 

"do you wanna go to sleep? you look pretty tired, tyler." josh says, pausing the movie. we are watching clueless for the fifth time in the last two weeks. i shrug, chewing on my hoodie string. "yeah okay." 

he smiles, he always does that. it seems like it's so easy for him. nothing is difficult for josh. things come to him easily. he just scoops me up and carries me to my twin sized mattress that we always struggle to cuddle on. i fake a smile and a laugh, i want to please this beautiful boy so much.

the smile really drains me, as well as the laugh. 

did i mention that i don't even cry anymore? what the fuck???

its like, i just cant. i try to, but the tears wont flow. it's kind of stressing me out to be honest. 

"goodnight tyler, i love you." oh yeah. josh's muscular arms are wrapped around my small waist as we go into our optimal cuddling position in the small bed. 

"love you too joshy, goodnight" he kisses the top of my head, we fall back into silence. 

so anyway, yeah i can't cry anymore. at least not when i want to. if a minor inconvenience happens in public, my emotions come out violently. i was almost sobbing in the middle of michael's yesterday for literally no reason, but when im laying in bed with nothing to do and i can't sleep, no tears. 

i know i won't be able to sleep tonight, it has been thirty-six hours since i last slept. 

all i do is lay there, looking out the window or staring at my phone, restless. i sure would like to fall asleep, to dream, to have my 'free trial at death', but no. 

no dreams. no sleep. zero, nada, zilch, zip, any other synonym for the word 'no'.

so, i just lie there, waiting. 

yeah, i do have some melatonin around here somewhere, but will it help? probably not. 

maybe some ambien or even some valium would work, but i don't think i could trust myself with that kind of power. 

i guess that the internet and josh's soft snores will accompany me then. 

that's fine. 

a/n: grammar??? idk her either.