The Run and Go

im not the one you know

i swear to god if google recommends the suicide hotline numbers again i will kill myself.

wait a second...

nevermind. 

it's saturday, hooray. 

josh wants to go out and do things. i guess i have to go out in public. 

i fuel up my good personality the best i can with excessive amounts of caffeine.

i wonder how many coffees it will take to give me a heart attack.

maybe ill just shit myself, but it's worth a try, right?

"tyler, how many coffees have you had today?" josh asks, looking over at me as i stir the creamer into the cold drink.

"four." he gasps and laughs. "wow, thats a lot." 

"mhm." 

i take a sip, he grabs onto my cold hand. i dont know why my hands are so cold, but josh's hands are always warm so i guess it just works. 

huh.

i ask where we are going today and he shrugs. "probably just to wander around the mall or target." i say okay, looking out the window and sipping my coffee. my teeth are probably yellow from the amount of coffee i drink.

oh yeah, brushing my teeth exists. oh and just hygiene in general, shoot.

ill do that when i get home. 

my mother drives past us as we drive out of the neighborhood, josh smiles and waves, looking like a model, i raise a hand and give the best half smile i can muster. joshua honks the horn as a joke. always a crowd pleaser. 

he asks if im hungry, i nod and we go get food. 

it doesn't taste like i did before, now it's sort of bland. oh well. it's probably the first time ive eaten in twenty-four hours, another thing i keep forgetting to do. 

its okay, i dont really need it that much.

i mean, gandhi didn't eat for like, twenty-one days and he was fine, so what's the harm? 

"hows your food?" josh asks, eating his second taco. "it's phenomenal." i say plainly, he smiles, reaching out and tapping my nose with his finger. "you're adorable." he tells me, i smile at him and take two more bites, i think that's a socially acceptable amount to eat. not too little, but it's not a lot. 

why am i thinking so hard about how many bites i took out my fucking crunchwrap supreme? literally nobody cares but me. 

"did you get enough to eat?" i guess i spoke - thought - too soon. "yeah, i'm full." full of sadness. okay, that was pretty emo. i need to settle down. 

being the gentleman he tries so hard to be, josh takes all the trash and throws it away then opens the door for me. 

i put effort into doing a fake curtsey before walking out the door, he smiles. "m'lady" haha. it's funny because im a boy, and he said 'm'lady'. comedic gold, right? 

hahahaha. 

when we go to the mall, we hold hands, he swings them a little between us. i get two more coffees. that makes six. 

we go into hot topic because i guess that's what you are supposed to do if you are unique and like the color black, right?

josh gets some new gauges and i get another hoodie, two sizes too big. 

the cashier is too cheery, they always are, with their fun-colored hair, thick black rimmed glasses, lanyard covered with pins. oh, how unique we all are. 

josh stops at the hair color section, saying that he needs to switch it up a little. his hair is blue at the moment, i suggest he does pink. 

he smiles again, it makes the fire in my chest grow. the fire was lit from the first smile he ever gave me, first day of school freshman year. my shoe was untied, and i knew that but  didn't care because i was 'edgy' and 'emo' and wanted to look carefree. 

that untied shoelace was giving my anxiety a fucking field day. he started walking next to me and smiles, lighting that fire, and said 'hey, your shoe is untied.' romantic, huh?

well after that we hung out every single day. i dont even remember how we became such good friends from that, but now we have been dating for two years. so, yay for untied shoelaces i guess. 

as we walk through the mall, i look straight down, desperately trying to align my feet with the tiles on the floor.

"tyler, you're gonna bump into something if you don't watch where you're going." josh says, i just feel the smile in his voice. 

where does he get the energy for all these smiles? does he have a gift certificate? 

"pshh thanks mom. i'm not gonna-" it's that very second when i run right into our friend, brendon urie. 

"woah tyler, watch where you're going bud." the eyeliner wearing boy says, laughing. "yeah, okay. sorry brendon" josh laughs and we continue walking, my face feeling hot. 

"i told you so." i roll my eyes, now watching where im going. 

i am never going into public ever again. 

unless i really have to i guess. 

"i want another coffee. can we get starbucks?" i ask, josh looks shocked. "i don't think you need another coffee ty, you're going to have a heart attack." 

i roll my eyes again. "okay, sorry." 

"don't be sorry!" he squeezes my hand tighter, i pull off a fake smile. "okay."

im definitely having another coffee at home. 

seven coffees is not even that much.

the world record is like, eighty-two cups of coffee in seven hours. 

i have only had six in the last four hours. 

"josh, the world record amount of coffees drank is eighty-two cups in seven hours." i inform him as we walk through the dingy parking garage. 

thats the longest sentence ive said all day. "okay fine, i'll get you starbucks. only because you're cute though." i thank him and kiss him on the cheek.

what if i wasn't cute?? would he still get me starbucks then? is that all it takes to be cute nowadays, a coffee addiction and a strange amount of knowledge on world records????

i mean, if it gets me coffee then that works i guess. 

i dont even think that eighty-two cups of coffee in seven hours will make me less tired. 

does josh know im depressed?

this question makes me panic. 

we have been dating what, two, three years now? has he noticed? 

he must have noticed that something was up with me. 

do i tell him? no, what kind of question is that??

i guess if he doesn't know now, he will find out eventually.

wait, do i want him to know?

no, i can't put that on him.

i need to step up my fake-happy act. 

a/n this was just me rambling. this has no plot. okay, have a nice day/night.