Random Short Stories

Quit Runnin' Ya Mouth, and Watch Where Ya Runnin'

**Warning: My old writing/not proof-read**

Nark. I knew I was done for when three, scrupulous guards designed to sniff out criminals walked through the door. They were all wearing their signature, navy blue, long coats. You'd think that migrating through three different solar systems would have lost them, but obviously not. Technically they could be here for anyone of these crooks. The whole bar was full of deplorable rapists, thieves, and murderers. You could feel the palpable tension in the already stuffy air. If you tried hard enough, you could probably cut it with a knife, or in the case of the imprudent idiot sitting next to me, a basket of pretzels. The man took a shot of whiskey as a calming opiate before flinging the defenseless pretzel basket at the guards. He leaped off of his seat and darted out of the bar. Alright, thanks bud. It wasn't the distraction I was looking for, but it'll do. I casually peeled my rumpus off of the seat and waddled to the bathroom. The lovely sound of puking blessed my ears as I examined the claustrophobic bathroom. A small window sat high above the sink. I took a moment to ponder how much parts of my body actually meant to me. I always wanted to be skinnier, but I realized that my arms might be hand-y in the future. I crawled into the only available stall.
"Miss Saeran Whytt, you've been requested by the Emperor," a gruff, male voice told her. Of course, I wasn't going to answer him. "Ma'am, I know you're in here," he persisted.
"You know this is the ladies' room, eh?" I asked. "The invasive mens' room is next door," I jeered.
"We could've seized you as soon as we entered the bar," he leaned against a bloody, graffitied wall. "This is a peaceful meeting. While I don't condone your unjustifiable actions, our gracious Emperor has decided to pardon you temporarily," he informed her.
"How absolutely solicitous of our thoughtful Emperor," I rolled my eyes.
"For the record, the bounty on your head would be worth more than three centuries of my paycheck," the guard tapped his foot impatiently.
"I have a few demands," I stated.
"You're in a precarious place to be making demands," he warned.
"Wow, thanks for telling me man. I sincerely thought my amazing reputation as a sinless samaritan allowed me to ask for whatever I wanted," I opened the door and slammed it against the other stall. Another parade of vomiting erupted out of the stall that I had hit. "Can we switch positions?" I asked the barfing girl. I didn't hear a response, but I knew she'd say "no".
"You look vaguely familiar," the guard commented.
"Well, I hope you knew who you were hunting for," I commented.
"Not what I was referring to," he shook his head.
"Where's Larry and Mo?" I asked after only seeing one guard.
"Dealing with your pretzel partner," he snapped.
"I'm honestly offended that you'd assume I would be so indolent to settle on that doofus as a partner," I scoffed.
"Can we please move this meeting out of the girls' restroom?" he asked.
"I don't know. Can you not block the doorway?" I snapped. He stepped aside and gestured for me to walk through it.
"Ladies first," I also gestured for him to walk through it.
"Nice try," he grabbed my shoulder and pushed me through.
"Physical assault," I called throughout the bar as he pushed me towards the door. "What's going to happen to pretzel boy?" I asked when we left the bar.
"We only had orders to take you into custody. However, since I'm still brushing the salt off of my uniform, we've decided to take the young thief into custody as well," he grinned.
"You do realize that the majority of criminals in there have murdered ten times more people than the number of items he's probably stolen, right?" I furrowed my brow in disgust.
"I just brought my uniform back from the dry cleaners," he defended himself.
"And I thought I was the crooked, bad guy," I muttered. I felt a metallic hold grab my wrist and pull it to my back. My other hand felt the same pressure, and suddenly my hands were restrained behind my back. "What happened to the peaceful meeting part?" I hissed.
"It's just reassurance that the meeting will be peaceful," he promised.
"I'm not the lunatic that finally arrested the criminal over some pretzels," I snapped. "Hey, what about my bar tab?" I suddenly remembered my tab. It's not like I was going to pay anyways, but I thought I would mention it.
"The Emperor will take care of it," the guard guided her to his vehicle.
"He is gracious, isn't he?" I laughed.
*A reasonable amount of time it takes to travel through three solar systems later*
"May I please be uncuffed?" I growled as we walked up to the building.
"Can you quit fighting me?" he challenged. I stopped struggling, but he didn't uncuff me.
"I hate this place," I murmured bitterly.
"If walls could talk, then they'd say that the feeling is mutual," he chuckled.
"What does he want now?" I redirected the conversation.
"You'll see," he directed the front guards to open the doors for us.
"Yes, but I'd prefer to know ahead of time," I told him.
"That's...," he droned on. I had stopped paying attention to him after I saw the palatial room I had just walked into. The walls were lined with fancy designs, royal crests, sculptures, and paintings.
The Emperor and I have an obnoxiously lengthy history that goes farther back than some of these paintings. I knew him from when he was a criminal himself. After his royal uncle, royal cousins, and his father (who was after the cousins in the will) were "mysteriously" murdered, he inherited his uncle's solar system all for himself. Is it a coincidence that his aunt, mother, and female cousins who weren't in the will survived? According to what could be considered hush money, it was definitely a coincidence. The most tragic coincidence in the universes. My deepest condolences to everyone affected.
"Okay," I randomly threw out while he was talking. I felt like that phrase went well with almost any situation.
"Were you listening at all?" he groaned.
"Of course I was, but give me a quick summary in case there is a pop quiz later," I ordered.
"I'll let the Emperor explain everything to you instead," he sighed.
"Speaking of which, where is he?" I looked around. The surrounding amenities of a common royal made me expect a trumpet to sound my arrival as he propped his feet up on one of his subjects.
"You would have known if you listened as much as you talked," he grumbled.
"Very original. I've only heard that... my whole life!" I said dramatically.
"Haha. Great comeback," he scrunched up his nose.
"I never got your name," I reminded him.
"I never gave it to you," he gestured for another set of guards to open yet another set of doors for us. The thin Emperor lacked majestic features upon his face or his whole body for that matter. The only thing close to majestic on him was the rich velvet he was draped in. When he saw us enter, he tapped his fingers impatiently on the armrest of his high chair as if he had been tapping for hours.
"Hey Gage-y!" I called. His real name was Gage McCraw. It was the last name I called him before he turned royal, so it was the name I was going to call him now.
"It's Emperor to you," Gage scoffed.
"Oh please, the only thing grander about you is your ego," I snorted.
"I could lock you in prison for life," Gage snarled.
"What do you want?" I jumped straight to the point. I wasn't about to put up with another pompous royal.
"I need you to find and execute a certain someone," Gage stroked his armchair.
"First of all, you can't just say 'a certain someone' because I need to know who I'm going after," I huffed. "Second of all, what's in it for me?" I asked. I thought it was an appropriate question to ask and get an easy response to.
"There always has to be something in it for you," Gage sighed. I should have known that it's never easy.
"Well if I'm going to commit homicide, then I better be getting something out of it," I took a moment to glare at the guard who was still standing beside me.
"Fine," Gage whipped his head dramatically to the side.
"You can start by uncuffing me," I told him. Gage looked at the guard expectantly. He removed the cuffs. Let's just say he immediately regretted it. I served him a helping of one elbow to the stomach and one knee to the no-no square. I turned around and ran through the door. There were too many guards to count running after me. The closest fool tried to grab me; I grabbed him instead. I knew that the guard service was the chump version of the military, but it was easier than I expected to sling the grown man into the cluster of guards. The few guards ahead of me were also easy to push into walls. It helped that none of them had weapons. It was fairly common for guards to be unarmed because it was more common for guards to pull assassination attempts on who they were supposed to guard. While I partially understood the reasoning for disarming guards, I wasn't completely convinced on the practicality. If the guard can't guard you, then why have guards?
"Halt," the original guard yelled after me.
"Leave me alone," I hissed. Only briefly interrupted by the scratch of misplaced gravel, the footsteps of his boots strummed rhythmically behind me. I noticed more gravel up ahead. The gravel led to a crowded marketplace. The perfect place to blend in that doubled as the perfect place to chuck handmade jewelry. It was perfect until I realized that a guard barreling into a crowd of criminals would cause a greater migration than that of disturbed geese. Today might become a jewelry chucking type of day. "Excuse me," I repeated as I gently shoved past everyone. Even bad guys have some kind of moral high ground. Good guys, on the other hand, didn't seem to have any moral high ground. I quickly glanced behind me to see him knock an elderly lady over. It's always an elderly lady.
"Halt crook!" he called into the crowd. Half of the marketplace froze, and the other half ran. Today is a jewelry chucking day. I ripped a beaded purse off of a table and flung it at the guard's face. He threw it right back at me, hitting me in the back of my head.
"You're not supposed to hit a lady," I growled.
"You're not a lady," he snapped back.
"Harsh," I grabbed another object and threw it at him. I didn't pay attention to what I had grabbed, but it felt hard. I wasn't sure if I missed him or if it had bounced off of him. Either way, the ground seemed to agree that it was hard by leaving a thud behind them. I craned my neck to see what had made such a noise. A second thud sounded as something under my foot caused me to go lurching forwards.
*An interval of time later*
I woke up in a bed that smelled like wet dog and cologne. How much did I drink at that bar? Did someone poison my drink? Was it all a terrible dream?
"Good morning sleeping beauty," the cockroach of a guard greeted me from a chair beside me. The sound of his voice started a pounding ache in my head, or maybe the headache had something to do with the bandage wrapped around my forehead. It was easier to blame him.
"You again?" I groaned. "What did you do to me?" I placed my hand daintily on my head.
"You turned around, and the rest of the guards you failed to look for, tripped you," he grinned smugly.
"Don't look too disappointed about your victory," I commented after seeing his smug grin.
"You have two options: spend the rest of your miserable life rotting in prison or you can help the Emperor out," he pursed his lips as his victorious moment disappeared.
"Fine, I'll come help hold the Emperor's hand," I sighed. It wasn't that hard of a job, so things could be worse.
"Killian Altone," he informed me cryptically.
"Say that again in English?" I requested.
"If we're going to be working together, then you'd better know my name," he crossed his arms.
"Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse," I whined.