Been Here All Along

31| weight

Tears hydrated my dry eyes, clouding my vision. "Ian," I said softly. It's barely been a couple days, yet I missed his voice so much. "How are you?"

"I'm alright, just taking turns with the phones with some of the guys right now," He replied. "How are you?" His voice turned serious, wanting to know how I've been handling his absence.

"I'm at my parents with Anthony for the holiday. It's been okay. They seem to be masking their problems for my sake." Which I'm honestly beyond grateful for. I didn't leave my unstable life back in Miami to come home and witness my parents unstable life in Fort Lauderdale.

"Good," he said softly. I wish he could be here holding my hand reassuringly, like he always does. "We only get so long with the phones, so I should go and call my parents now. But listen to me, Jos, I will be home again, okay? Don't stop living your life just because I'm not physically there." He always has been and always will be here in my heart, that was made clear when he initially came home. He proved to me, even though he was away at war, he had been here all along in all of the aspects that mattered most.

"I miss you."

"I miss you, too. I love you, baby."

"I love you, too."

We exchanged goodbyes, and just like that, he seemed to be an uncountable number of miles away all over again.

His absence put a heavy weight on my heart, aching for him to be by my side on Christmas this year, but the weight wasn't heavy enough to keep me from dragging myself out of bed.

Ian is right, I can't stop living my life while he is away. Life is moving forward, and I have to as well.

My parents and Anthony were sitting around the dining room table with pancakes and bacon in front of them, conversing quietly. They heard the floor creek and looked up, seemingly shocked to see me awake and out of bed.

"Merry Christmas," I said, forcing a smile on my face. A forced smile is something, have to start from somewhere. I'll just fake it until I make it.

My face was definitely still stained from tears, but no one questioned that or my reasoning for being awake.

I made my breakfast plate and sat down at the square table, between my mom and Anthony.

"Ian called," I finally told them. "He's doing alright. He had to go to call his parents though."

My mom reached out and put her hand over mine that was resting on the tabletop. She offered me a small smile. "I'm glad, honey."

"Me too," but that's obviously a given. "I think I'm going to go home on New Years Eve."

Life is moving forward, and I need to as well.

That's what I keep telling myself.

That, and that Ian will be home soon and I just have to keep myself occupied until he is.
Filling my own conscience with empty promises.

For the first time in the past couple of days, I forced Ian out of my mind and occupied my thoughts involving conversation with my family. We were able to have genuine conversations about everything under the sun, with no arguing over stupid differing opinions or bad attitudes. It actually felt like, for the first time since I was little, I had a normal family consisting of parents who loved each other, were involved in their kids lives, and presented effort.

•••

Happy Friday!
I had a very weird week, very boring and uneventful to be honest! However I have a fun next 4 weekends ahead of me so that's exciting!!!! This weekend, I have my last first HS scrimmages for soccer, then a team bonding sleepover! Next weekend, I have student council states that I leave for next Saturday!! The weekend after I will just be happy because it'll be spring break! Then the weekend after, I'll be in Florida!!! Yay!
What are you guys looking forward to in the next couple of weeks?

How are we all feeling about Ian's absence? Everyone has been asking Josie, but no one is asking you guys! Do we miss him or what?

Don't forget to...
Vote
Comment
Follow
Share
Check out my other stories!

- Emily
B.E. Better Everyday