Been Here All Along

29| essence

   I obviously knew Ian would be called back into active duty at some point, he's a reserve soldier, but he's only been home for 6 months. This isn't fair. I was supposed to have some more time with him before he left again.

   "You won't, I promise. My colonel said that he will work out actual vacation time with me this time around, and I'll be able to contact home where I'm being stationed."

   "When do you leave?"

   "Sunday."

   It's Thursday. Christmas is Tuesday. They really couldn't let him stay home two extra days to be home for Christmas? This was supposed to be my first Christmas with Ian since we were 17.

   "Ian—" I wanted to say something, but nothing I could say would change anything. Instead, I cried. I cried and mentally prayed that he'd be okay and he'd make it home safe.

   "I'm so sorry that I'm putting you through this." He rubbed my back and comforted me as I cried.

    We stood in the kitchen of our apartment and he held me while I cried for who knows how long. There was nothing he could say or do that would make this situation any easier. All he can do is follow through with his promise to keep in contact when he's stationed. Sending the love of your life away to war, not once, but twice, isn't easy.

   "How long?" I asked, quietly.

   "I don't know," he sighed. "My colonel said there's no way to tell. Could be weeks, could be months."

   Fingers crossed for it's only weeks. A couple. One, even.

   "Let's enjoy the time we have together, okay?" I'm so glad that Ian told me the minute he found out that he'd be going away. I know now that there is no time to be wasted. I have to soak up every last minute I have with him before he goes away for who knows how long.

   Time is, yet again, of the essence.

   "Couldn't agree more." He kissed me lightly, holding my cheek as he did so. "I should call my parents and tell them."

   I forgot that he'd have to tell his parents too. He's only seen them roughly 3 or 4 times since he's been home, and he's already leaving again.

   I nodded as I ran my hands through his hair, thinking about how in a couple days I won't be able to do this.

   I let him go so he could call his mom and break the news. The news that would break her heart just the same as it did mine.

   "Hey, mom," he said softly. My eyes watered at his scared and sad tone. He loves what he does for our country, but it breaks his heart having to walk from his family and friends. "I have something to tell you guys."

   I wonder if Hayden and Penelope are over too.

   "I've been called back into active duty, and I leave Sunday morning."

   I sat down at the table and began bouncing my leg in a way to keep myself from breaking down all over again.

   This wasn't supposed to happen yet. We were supposed to have more time together. He's got school. What is he going to do?

   "I know, Mom, I know. I'm sorry."

   My heart broke when a tear escaped Ian's eye and his body started to quiver.

   Ian stayed on the phone with his family for almost twenty minutes, and he was able to calm himself down before having a complete emotional breakdown. They talked about his plan, and he told them everything he told me. He'd be in touch. He wouldn't let his home life go while he's away.

   It was when Ian hung up the phone and looked me in the eyes that he broke down. I stood up from my seat and sat on his lap. He wrapped his arms around my waist and I wrapped mine around his neck, allowing him to cry into my shoulder. Right now, I needed to be Ian's shoulder to cry on; he needs me.

   He has to leave his friends that he was finally rebuilding solid and strong friendships with again and has to say goodbye to his family over the phone because flights are all likely booked solid given it's the holiday season. Not to mention he's leaving two days before Christmas and a month before our birthdays.

   Another birthday that I'm spending without Ian. Another one of Ian's birthdays that he could potentially be spending on the battle field.

   "I love you, Ian Miller," I mumbled in his ear.

   "I love you, endlessly, Josie Elle."

   With tears brimming my eyes, I smiled down at him. This man brings endless joy and happiness into my life. How I could ever live without him is a wonder to me.

   I look at Ian, and I see the happiest days of my life. I see my happy future with him to come. I picture my family that I will one day have with him. I picture our house that we will one day share. He's my whole world.

   "Let's go to bed, E." I stood up from his lap and grabbed his hand to take him to our bed. He didn't argue as I led him, and we climbed into bed together.

   I laid my head on his chest and sighed.

   He survived once and he can again. No matter how many close run-ins he's nearly had with death in his past. My Ian will be okay, he has to be.

•••

Happy Friday! I hope your days are all going good!

I had a pretty decent week this week, except that I'm sleep deprived. I have terrible sleeping habits. It takes me forever to fall asleep, I don't stay asleep, and I always have to wake up early. Then I end up falling asleep in class. Spring forward tm night is not going to be any help either...

I don't have much to say, so that's all!

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- Emily