All Those Words

Chapter 24

"Okay," she says finally. "But let's try to leave before it gets dark, okay?"

I nod eagerly, pay the driver and we get out of the car. There aren't many people on the street, probably because early evening and they haven't woken up from their afternoon siesta. I do see a few people peek through their curtains and I try to ignore the fact that they're watching us. Calysta takes my hand and I know she's scared because her hands are shaking but I spot my house in the distance and make a beeline for it. As we near it, I see that it looks rundown. The paint is peeling, the wood doors and window panes are chipped and the tiny patch of grass which we called a front lawn was lifeless. I can tell that no one lives there because the front door looks broken.

"This is it," I tell her as we stand in front of the one storied house. "It doesn't look like much but I spent a lot of time in this house."

"What were your parents like?" she asks me. "You've never talked about them."

I can hear it in her voice that she hates the fact that I don't talk to her about anything. And it makes me feel bad. I want to apologize. I want to tell her that I'll tell her things but like she wasn't ready to tell people about her father's death, I'm not ready to talk about my past. Mostly because I don't remember much about it until after social services took me and put me in one home after another. Also, it makes me feel bad that I don't have anything to tell her just because I have no memory of anything.

"I don't remember," I tell her and pray that she won't look at me with pity. "I was around eleven when social services came and got me. My parents were barely ever at home to begin with."

"I'm sorry-" she starts but I grab her hand and pull her forward.

I don't want to hear it. I don't want the pity or apologies that I had such a tough life. I don't want her to think that I'm not okay because I am. I just want to go inside and see whether everything looks the same. Maybe there'll be a picture of my parents. Maybe something will spark a memory and I won't have to wonder what my life used to be like.

I use my finger tips to push the door open and it creeks as it flies open, the top hinge broken and the bottom one daring to fall off, too. The dusty smell fills our noses and Calysta sneezes. I send her an apologetic look but she ignores it and steps into the house anyway.

Nostalgia engulfs me as I look at the ratty old couch that's torn in various places. The old television is on the floor, broken as if someone had thrown it down in anger. The kitchen on the left hand side is filthy with plates still in the sink with a tap that looks rusted shut. I notice a green 'greatest dad' cup and it makes my eyes blur with tears. I wouldn't have gotten that cup for someone if they hadn't been a good dad, right?

I know she's watching me so I step in further toward the bedroom door that's open. There's a bed with a mattress that's torn open and a study table that is half broken across the floor with random books and toys thrown around.

My hands are sweaty and my throat has closed up. Fear pulses through me because I know that these are my belongings so why are they messed up like this? I bend down and pick up a notebook. It has my name scribbled on the front and when I look inside, I recognize my handwriting. A tear escapes and splashes against the dust covered page before I can wipe it away. But luckily, Calysta is behind me and doesn't see it happen.

"Asa, it looks like a break in," her voice is strained and she looks terrified but she says the words that I can't get past my lips. "Maybe we should g-"

Before the words tumble out of her mouth, we hear the front door bang. We share a look and I feel my heart pounding so hard in my chest that it might burst through. But the fear is running through my veins because I don't want anything to happen to Calysta. I've brought her to the wrong side of town for what? A trip down memory lane? There isn't even much left of my house. It was a completely useless trip because it didn't help me remember anything and the whole place looks like it's been trashed.