Hold On, I'm Here

We call it a state of suspension. It’s when a person’s mind is literally, one might say, suspended from working, but not totally shut down. Certain areas of the brain are kept awake, those sections that control bodily control and survival instincts to keep the subject alive, while others are shut down from receiving or sending signals. It’s essentially like a stranded spaceship turning off everything but the oxygen to save power when it’s been damaged. However, despite what people say, this is not why we call it a state of suspension. Many people have heard of this technique, but no one outside of the project itself actually knows what takes place within the process, and believe that it is the suspension of the brain’s complex functions is how it got its name. But I know otherwise.

You see, a state of suspension is called this because while the brain is in, basically, sleep mode, the body of the subject is placed in a tank of a water solution. The cylinder tank is no bigger than the person inside, with just enough headroom and foot space for them to float a little up or down while they… sleep. In the mass amounts of pipes and wires that go in and out of this cylinder, one pumps a mixture of vitamins and minerals that are required for the skin of the subject to keep them healthy. Another, for example, send a small electrical current to keep the cells alive and muscles awake enough so that when the subject falls from this state of suspension, there is a limited recovery time to regain muscle movement and mass. I shall not bore nor gross you out with what the other pipes are for.

A lot of people ask, well what does a person dream or think about when they are in this state? And the truth is that I really couldn’t say. Not only does it vary from person to person, but, like a dream, when they fall from this state, many forget what they see within a few minutes, and those that do remember are very vague or confused about the situation, and will not talk about it much. Many just describe a darkness and almost as if time passed in the blink of an eye… one quick blink and even years could pass.

Many ask as well why this was created. I used to think that this state of suspension was restricted to the military for medical use, a way to help ease soldiers during their physical or mental recovery from the battle field. Many times I have seen limps regrow or reattach themselves and even once I saw a whole brain mend itself after being almost destroyed by a bullet to create a perfectly happy person again. But while this is all well and good, and on the surface, this is a good thing, I discovered a much darker use of this tool. A tool to break people.

Can you imagine how horrible that would be? To wake up and you are suspended in a tank of water, unable to move or even breathe on your own… you can’t even move your eyes. All you have is the voice inside your head, slowly but surely driving you crazy. I’ve seen it done, many times. They put someone into a state of suspension, and after a few days, maybe a week at most, they take them out again and the subject… the only way to describe it is that they can no longer function. At all. They just become empty shells of what once used to be a home for everything it is that makes up a person. It’s almost heart breaking… almost.

How do I know all this? Well you wouldn’t believe me if I told you. You’d call me crazy or stupid or insane or you wouldn’t say anything at all because you wouldn’t know how to react about it. All I can say, is that I have been around this a long time. This, state of suspension… I was on a team to help create it. We were given the task to help people, but instead they used our creation for their own benefit, which is to cause misery and pain to anyone they choose. If they don’t like something, then they use this creation, MY creation to hurt them and get rid of them. At the time, I didn’t care. I was just following orders. But a lot has changed this then. And now, now I am the thorn in their side. So of course, they used my creation against me. If you think a week in this is bad, try being in here for almost a year.

One very long year I have been in my state of suspension. Just me and the voice in my head. I say voice in the singular, because I think at this point, it would be too confusing to try and explain what is really happing inside my head. Also, it may give you nightmares, and you may never want to sleep again.

 Oh how I miss sleep. Proper sleep that is. In this state, the body already thinks it’s asleep, resting peacefully and everything that you see is just a dream, and illusion… but it feels so real. If you start seeing a fire, the heat burns and blisters your skin; you start seeing a cliff and you jump you begin falling… and when you hit the ground, it feels like you are going to die from the pain. But you never do. You just move onto the next illusion, and play that through as best as you can. It’s maddening and it never ends. Believe me, I’ve tried to stop. I’ve huddled in a corner and not moved… I’ve screamed at the top of my lungs and beaten every wall and door I could find… I’ve tried to die a thousand times in hundreds of different ways. But it never ends.

 To be honest, I’m not really too bothered by it any more. I just move from one place too the next, intrigued as to how I know all these places but don’t recognise a single thing about them clearly enough to pinpoint a memory linked to how I know it. Also, the amount of places I know, or at the very least can create, is astonishing. It’s quite beautiful really. The mountain ranges, the deserts… even the snow. It all seems so real and so beautiful, I stop and breathe it all in when I can. Of course, it would be lovely and I wouldn’t mind being here and exploring every place a thousand times… but there is one slight snag. I’m not the only one in here.

 I mentioned the voice in my head. Well, he’s mainly just a talking buddy, someone to help me plan and things like that. He’s not the enemy in here. In here, in my state of suspension, there are other things. Terrible things. Things with cold dead eyes that somehow project all the hatred in the world onto you with a single glare. Their arms hang around their sides, limp and lifeless, but always ready and waiting to grab you. Their head loll around, their mouths open and groaning… god they are always groaning. I can’t get it out my head. It’s always there… that awful groaning. It’s just so inhuman and sad… just overwhelming sadness and anger. They don’t move very fast, but they don’t have too… there’s a lot of them…and I mean a lot. Like a full on army of them, just everywhere. I don’t know what they want, but I do know that they are just trying to kill me. All the time, they never stop. I keep running, and when I can’t run I hide, but it makes no difference. They always find me. And despite this, no matter what happens, no matter how much I know this is a trick, all in my head… I will never stop running from them. And I will never stop being afraid of them.

 I hope they pull me out of this state soon. I can’t really remember why I’m in here in the first place. That part of my brain is shut down. I get some flashes, some glimpses of my life before, but it’s all very vague and they come and go so fast that I tend to not even notice it’s happened. I’m too busy running and fighting to notice when there’s a sudden and brief glitch in the matrix. But I know that I should try and listen. Clearly I’m trying to fight this suspension, and I’m clearly winning in a way. Nothing like this has ever been recorded, so I’m not entirely sure if this is normal, but it feels like I should be paying attention, like my brain is trying to tell me something.

I know that this is all in my head. I truly do know that. But I feel like if I don’t hold onto the one bit of knowledge that I truly know from before all this, then I will lose all grip on reality and go even more insane. The only problem is… that if I know that this is all fake, and no one is going to hear me, or even see me… why am I bothering to record myself saying all this?