i had a dream i met a girl on a train.
i've never been on a train before and it was nice, i was watching the trees and the clouds and the world fly by as i sat, still, content.
she walked up to me and she was beautiful, she had orange red hair, it was like fire
she sat down in the seat across the row and started talking to me, her long hair flowing all around her, she was a bright and fiery angel, i thought, 'why is a girl this beautiful talking to me? i am not beautiful' but i did not mind
i do not remember what we were talking about but i was happy talking with the fiery girl, she moved to sit next to me, she was wearing jeans with holes all over them and an orange red and yellow tank top, it matched her hair. i told her this and she laughed, it was a perfect laugh.
suddenly we were together, at least that's what it felt like, time is different in a dream.
we were walking together though a city, i do not know what city, we were holding hands and i was laughing at something she said, she was still beautiful and then we were leaning on one another, holding each other on a couch, watching something, and i thought 'how did i get such an amazing girl? i am not amazing'
then it was different i was sitting with my friends and they were asking me questions and i felt guilty, i shook my head, i did not speak.
then it changed again and i was sitting with my family and they were asking me questions and i felt guilty, i shook my head, i did not speak.
and then, then i was back on the train, and the fiery girl was there, my fiery girl.
she was angry, hurt, i do not know how i knew this, i just did, she was saying something, her arms gesturing wildly, her hair floating around her like a blaze, she was wearing the same thing, those jeans and that tank top, and she was still beautiful.
"why won't you tell anyone!"
she yelled at me. i didn't have an answer. i was shaking my head, i held my arms out in front of me, as if in surrender,
"what can i do!" i yelled back to her, " i cannot tell them!"
she looked sad, her hair slowly falling around her, it looked as though it was growing dull.
"do you not like me? are you ashamed of me?" she spoke softly.
"of course not!" my voice felt strained as though i could barely get sound through it, " i am afraid"
she shook her head, her hair was almost completely brown now,
"then why will you not tell them, why will you not tell them who you are, and who you want to be with?"
i was on my knees now, my head in my hands,
"i can't tell them i can't, they'll leave me and i'll be alone"
she was in front of me now, she cupped my face with her hands, her hair was brown and straight, she was still beautiful.
"they love you, and if they don't love every part of you, then they do not deserve you, tell them"
i was shivering, but the train not was cold, the world outside was dark and rainy, i usually love the rain but not this, i did not like this, i shook my head at her. i was afraid.
she stood up slowly and sadly, she was not fiery any more, but she was still beautiful.
"i'm sorry," she said, "i'm sorry"
then she walked down the train and i knew she was gone and never coming back.
there were silent tears streaming down my face, there were no seats in the train car anymore, i did not even know if there was a train. it was just me, alone in a metal box, hurtling through the world with no control over anything happening.
i wrapped my arms around myself, tighter and tighter, as if i could escape. 'what am i escaping?' i thought.
the truth, i am trying to escape the truth, the truth that they will see me differently, that they will talk about me, that they will no longer love me as they did before. i am trying to escape the possibility that they will not love me at all anymore. that i will lose them.
"i am not brave" i said to the train. " i am not brave enough to say who i love"
and then then i woke up.
