if only | ha yoonbin

11

Dain's POV

Have you guys ever had a feeling that he hates you but yet you don't know why?

I placed my earpiece into my ears as I walked to school, playing my favourite song. This is my favourite part of the morning honestly.

When I got to school, I placed my bag down and I just awkwardly sat there.

As usual, I would reach just in time. I'm really close to being late but i'm just in time.

To be frank, I started to hate language class. I just feel like the teacher hates me, yeah somehow. I tried so god damn hard to improve my language but it still sucks.

I used to be good at language but it's slowly getting worse and my confidence in doing language is getting lower every single day.

Nowadays, when I saw Miss Park I just felt so ashamed of myself. I just wanted to hide so badly because I don't do well anymore.

My Chemistry didn't do well either so yeah.

I walked into class where I saw Miss Park. I got to admit though, there's a time when I was rebellious towards Miss Park so I guess that might be why she dislike me.

I walked to my seat, feeling like I don't fit in. The other students are pretty good in language so I felt really bad about myself.

It all happened when I lost 10 marks in my test due to lack of time. I didn't fill it in the answer box but I did do the questions.

Ever since then, my ability to do well in language went downhill as well, along with my self confidence.

I laid my head on the desk as I tried to be less stress. I just feel like i'm worthless compared to other students around me.

I just can't seem to do as well as them no matter how hard I tried. I feel like i'm a disappointment to everyone around me and everyone who trusted my ability.

Tears were threatening to fall out but I held it in. I would always feel ashamed when I cry in school so I don't cry in school and just hold it in, releasing it at home.

No one knows how stress I was. I tried hinting it but no one seem to get the hint.

I'm not depressed neither am I going through some tough mental period but i'm just really emotional these days.

Everything suddenly seem so negative to me and I felt so stressed out all the time. I feel like i'm going to be a maniac soon, but a maniac that covers up her feelings.

Anyways, back to reality.

" Yoonbin, do you have your paper? " Miss Park asked him the moment he entered the class.

" I left it in the other class. " He said as he walked in coldly, as if no one else really mattered to him.

Miss Park urged him to get the paper and he did. He left the class to get the paper before coming back. He have to come back when I was at the peak of my stress.

He walked past me and I could feel my heart racing even faster than before. " Have you found it yet? " Miss Park asked and I nodded my head hesitantly.

You know those tougher phrases and vocabularies? I do understand them but when you failed so badly in Language before, somehow you just got too scared to use them.

I laid my head on the desk again after Miss Park left to help other students. I took deep breaths, telling myself that it's okay.

What's worse was that I sat at the most front of the class and I just felt as if everyone hates me and are judging me.

Everyone behind were with their friends and just chatting while doing their work and i'm just there, alone because my friends and I were split.

I grip onto my pen even tighter than before.

I'm so tired.

I'm so done.

Just then, the bell rang and Yoonbin walked past me once again.

I'm sorry i'm not good enough for you to like me.

I wish one day I could be proud of my results again but yet I can't. Everyone are improving and I felt as if i'm lacking so far behind.

I tried my best to complete the worksheet, feeling as if my brain is about to explode any moment now. After I handed up my work, I went for after school club.

I tried to put up a smile and today is worse. It's the rehearsal for Chinese New year and I had to force myself to smile even though I know for a fact I can't.

" Dain, smile. " My teacher said and I nodded with a slight smile. I took a deep breath before singing with a smile on my face.

After we've ended, I went to the cafeteria to complete my homework as usual. Suddenly, I heard a slight dribbling sound coming from afar.

I turned and saw a group of basketball guys and they dribbling their ball. The ball flew to my table and they took it before walking away.

Suddenly, I saw Yoonbin.

A sigh escaped my mouth. Would there be a day where I would be confidently standing by you?

I walked to my class where it's near the gate. I just didn't want to be there, I felt really self conscious and I didn't like it.

I waited for Hana in my class since she have to walk past my classroom in order to leave the school. Hana came and we sat in the class for a little while.

" Bye Eunchae! " Hana screamed and I stood up to see Eunchae walking with her crutches. She smiled as she waved at us.

I walked out of the class to bid her goodbye and was ready to leave when I turned to my right and saw Hyunsuk and Yoonbin.

Hana and I walked faster than before and we ran when the wall blocked our view of them. Hana wanted to cross by the shorter path but was blocked by the discipline master.

When we got to the road, that's when we would split away from Hyunsuk and Yoonbin but instead, they walked the same path as us.

I saw them walking to the convenient store so I just shrug it off. When I saw Hana's bus coming, I held onto her bag strap. " Do you want bubble tea? " She groaned but she went anyways.

My eyes widened when I saw Yoonbin and Hyunsuk standing in front of the bubble tea store.

" Never mind! " I said with an awkward chuckle.

" Karma! " Hana dragged my hand, pulling me to the bubble tea store. Hyunsuk kept turning to look at the both of us.

Low-key, I felt like Yoonbin hates me.

At that moment, Yoonbin bought his drink and walked past us, murmuring something to Hyunsuk. Hyunsuk kept turning around to look at us.

Someone please save me.

Save me from this life.

1 Feb 2019

honestly lmao today was such an emotional day for me and I even replied to someone saying I might not be able to update because this story depends on my daily life and at that moment, the Yoonbin in the story was walking behind me lmaooo

i don't know, today was such a bad day.

lmao sorry again that this story is becoming so depressing.