Open When...

Open First

    I threw a pillow on to the ground angrily. It hit a framed picture I had thrown to the ground months before. I never had the heart to pick it up. The picture was of my mom and I, at our family cottage. We don't have a cottage anymore because of our situation. My mom left us, plain and simple.
She didn't die, she left. My dad and her divorced three months and six days ago. And yes, I count the days on my calendar. Why she left, no idea. One day I came back from school and she was loading boxes into her tiny blue Toyota Corolla. I was confused and in shock. She briefly explained that she was moving away and promised that my sister and I could come and visit her.
"I left a treat for you inside Laela! I love you." She had said.
After that, there were a few court sessions. Some about the divorce and settling a way to divide their money and shared items. Others about child custody and visitation. My mom didn't want us, if she would why did she not fight harder for visitation or custody? I knew that I would stay with my dad, but they decided I wouldn't go see my mom anymore. She didn't even say goodbye or give a care in the world about us.
Oh, and that treat she said she left? She lied I didn't find it, I looked for it relentlessly. I suppose it was a trick to distract me from stalling her departure.
I love my dad but he works a lot. I make dinner with my little sister Maria most of the time. Sometimes, we walk over to his office and deliver some supper. He usually eats supper at 10 PM if we don't.
I keep myself busy by doing homework and playing with Maria. We always play with the big doll set mom left for her. Mom also left her blanket and a picture of them. I got nothing. Yep, it hurts. I need to be there for Maria. She's only 6. I'm 14.
It's been a hard summer. I babysat most of the time. I'm starting high school soon, I have a couple of friends. Thank god for that. I would have had a pretty crappy year if it weren't for them.
I picked up the pillow I had chucked and placed it neatly on my bed. Let's draw. I positioned myself comfortably down at my desk. Where's my pencil? I shuffled around the clutter but couldn't find my pencil. I opened a drawer I probably hadn't opened for a long time. A blue shoebox sat in the drawer. What the- I don't remember decorating a shoebox with tape and stickers... It's probably Maria's. I was wrong.

To: Laela
From: Mom

I was shocked. What was this doing here? I pulled it out and opened it. There was a row of sealed rainbow envelopes. One sat on top and said:

Open First

I ripped the envelope, curious of its content.

My dear Laela,
I thought about a lot of things before leaving you and Maria. I love you guys so very much! I know it seems selfish but it's for the best my darling.
One thing I'm worried about is that I won't be there all the time to support you. Sure you'll come and visit but, I already know that you will stay with your dad the majority of the time. Here is how I'll help you throughout the tough times. In this box, there are ten letters (including this one) with different situations you might be in. Open the letter only when it's the appropriate situation. I trust you with this rule. This first letter is explaining my leaving.
The first thing I'd like to say is that I didn't leave because of you. It just wasn't working, your father and I didn't love each other anymore. It will be difficult but I will still be in your life, not just through these letters, you'll visit, I know you will. You don't need to forgive your dad or I but try to understand where we are coming from. We both love you. It won't be easy and you can be angry or sad or frustrated, that's okay. Just talk to someone about it, your friends, your parents, somebody you trust. don't keep your feelings inside, speak about them, trust me, it'll help. I know there is no way to heal the scar we've made but I hope you can still trust us and love us no matter what. I'll always love and care for you.

Lots of love,
Mom ♡

The fact that mom kept saying she'd stay in my life hurt me. She broke a promise. I don't even know where she is. is this her form of parenting? Writing letters without even knowing exactly what was going on! This was absurd.
I popped in some earbuds and connected them to my iPhone. I played Lovely by Billie Eilish. While drawing, I promised myself that I would never, open one of those letters, ever. I did it in vengeance of my mom breaking her promise. Like, she'd feel anything. She would never know if the letters would be used.
I didn't care. I won't ever care.