impossible year.

•choke; oneshot•🌿

nicosniners

im sorry that im submitting this so early. i know the contest thing ends in like two weeks? i had to get this off my chest because i just know im gonna forget about it and yeah.

hope you enjoy.

[1083 words]

⚊

throughout the entire car ride back to new york, the words that josh said kept repeating in tyler's mind.

"i still love ya. i do."

as much as he hated to admit it, he still loved josh. he knew it wasn't as deep as it was when they were together, but the feelings were still there.

but the josh he saw in there wasn't the josh he knew, the josh he fell in love with. he was always honest, caring, protective. he didn't kill people just to feel power and superiority.

but he did.

tyler just didn't know.

how would he know? yeah, the murders were all somehow tied to him, but he always deemed them a coincidence. the idea of josh being a serial killer never once popped into his mind until that day.

no.

tyler was not going to think of that.

of all things that happened between his "friend" group, he did not want think about that day. about what brendon told him. about what he would've done.

"who were ya goin' ta pick?"

those fucking words bounced around his mind like ping pong balls being hit back and forth. he didn't want to think of josh anymore. but the harder he tried to stop, the more he thought of him.

the brunette wanted to cry. god, did he want to cry. but there was something that was preventing him from doing so. maybe it was the numbness from everything. maybe it was the trauma. tyler just knew that one day he was going to break. break into a million little pieces. and he wouldn't allow anyone near him.

it sucks really. being given information that makes sense, but you don't want it to be true. being ripped apart from the one place you felt at home. being told the person youre so deeply in love with is really a cold blooded killer. being tormented and manipulated. seeing those you love most being hurt. it sucks.

it takes time to get over things like that. and sometimes, you don't get over it. tyler knew it took time. and he had people to help him with things. his dad, his therapist, his new friends, conan and bea. he knew they would do their best to understand. but the question is, would they really help?

"i see somethin' different in ya. i see potential..."

tyler didn't want to be like josh. he didn't. but he was scared he would turn out like him. scared he would give in one day and become just like josh. the fact that he genuinely would've killed his own father over josh made him feel disgusting. he had only known josh for a few months while his dad was there his entire life. even on days when he hardly saw him because he was too busy with work, tyler knew he was still there. he was just too blind to see it once josh came around.

"hey bud, im gonna go buy somethin'. do ya want anythin'?" his dad said. they were in the parking lot of a McDonald's and tyler didn't even notice that they had stopped.

the clock read that it was nearly midnight. tyler didn't know exactly where they were but he was guessing either ohio or pennsylvania.

"just the usual," he responded, monotone. he didn't look at his dad when he answered, so he wasn't able to see the frown on his face.

tyler almost flinched when he felt his dad pat his knee before getting out of the car and walking into the fast food restaurant. the boy watched as his dad went in before he turned and disappeared.

tyler closed his eyes, pressing his head back to the seat. he just wanted to sleep. he didn't know if he was asleep or awake the entire drive, but did it really matter? either way, the thoughts he was having were going to go through his head.

his dad came back to car with a bag and a McFlurry in his hand. tyler's lips curled up into a small smile when his dad handed him the drink and pulled out fries and a big mack.

(a/n: im so sorry im ruining the mood, but i had to include this)

tyler grabbed a fry and dipped it into the drink, sighing in delight when he put it into his mouth. he continued eating, as his dad did. the two ate in silence for nearly the entire time. chris was the first to break the silence by telling tyler, "i wish you'd smile like that more."

⚊

it's been a week since the visit to see josh in prison and those stupid words his ex said were still imprinted in his mind. he explained his feelings to his therapist and almost had a panic attack as his own words reminded him of that god awful day so many weeks ago.

he was able to control the temptation to steal cigarettes more and more as the weeks passed. however, the sensation of having a release like that which can happen so quickly is still with him. tyler started trying out breathing exercises which work out most of the time.

not only that, he was almost always able to talk to conan or bea about everything. they always made time for him no matter what. and if they weren't available, he would just text his dad and then they would talk about it once he'd get home.

tyler just genuinely got better.

if he had the same mindset he did within the first week of the josh's arrest, he'd think recovery would be impossible.

yet here he is. improved. on the road of recovery. trying his best to be who he is.

the day he left the prison after visiting josh, he thought he was going to break, give into exactly what josh told him to do, break into a million little pieces. but he hasn't. in fact, he's put himself together. with the help of others.

and yeah, maybe it took three and a half years to completely get over everything that happened with josh and him. maybe he was constantly remind about josh as his story became popular. but he had a way to cope. music. talking. music helped him for everything. music didn't let him down. neither did the few people he treated with all his heart.

tyler was able to lose himself in such a positive way, it truly changed his life.