sunflower [ poetry/ proses/ quotes]

➸ elliptical orbital thoughts

And most of the times my soul becomes so heavy, my brain becomes so loud that I can't do anything but sit down and be quiet. It's tiring to constantly feel like you're not good enough, like you don't matter. I'm trying to show myself, to stop hiding. I'm trying to talk more, to be more spontaneous. I'm trying to be more open, not to keep everything to myself. But that's just not me. I'm losing myself, trying to compete with everyone else, not realising that they are my friends, not my enemies. I'm dragging myself through each day only to come home, full with emotions and an emptiness in my chest. It's hard to see everybody breathing, living a successfull life while I'm just trying not to drown in my fears. I'm consumed in darkness, who've put the light out this time? I don't know why to keep fighting. Some days I'd rather be asleep for a week and this is such a day. It doesn't matter anymore what I feel, why I feel, what I think, why I think, it just has to go away. I wanna talk about this. I wanna throw it up and never have to feel it again. But it isn't that simple. It will never be simple. So instead of explaining myself, I pretend like it doesn't hurt this much. And I hope they don't take it personally when I push people away, but I just need some space, some time to sort this out. I'd rather say nothing than saying it the wrong way. I think a lot before I speak and sometimes when I have my whole sentence in my head, I realise that it isn't worth the effort. I'm happier with a full head than people who don't understand me. So if I don't wanna talk about it, let it be because there is a reason. There's a reason behind everything.