Willfully Blind

CHAPTER 33 Hold Up, Wait a Minute

"Baby, look at me." His tone was soft and endearing, and she was reminded of the first time they'd made love back in college. He'd confessed his love for her that afternoon at his apartment as they laid there in each other's arms. And even though he'd convinced her to skip her chemistry class, and she'd missed a lab, she always regarded that day as a pivotal moment in their relationship. The flood of nostalgia made it difficult to remain indifferent. She turned towards him, paying very close attention to see if he was just running a game.

"Baby, I'm sorry for how I played you. I mean, you know you mean the world to me, Lisa. I don't want to lose you. I just wanna get things back right between us."

Lisa sat there quietly, trying to process what he'd said. She was still discombobulated by everything including being jarred from her sleep in the middle of the night.

"Dirk..." Lisa began, hesitant to proceed.

"What, baby? Just say it," he whispered, tenderly.

"I've heard all this before, baby." The word baby sounded foreign to her as she allowed it to slip from her mouth. Although he seemed so genuine, there was no denying the apprehension she felt.

"You've been saying these things since we graduated undergrad; different verbiage, but same context." Lisa heard Dirk's heavy sigh before he continued.

"I know, Lis. I realized that. And I'm sure you want to know what's going to be different this time."

"Exactly! What's going to be so different this time, Dirk? Is all this because I made contact with an apartment agent and started looking to move out? Because even if you convinced me to stay and things remain the same, it will only be a matter of time before things fall apart and I leave."

"Okay but hear me out. Remember a few weeks ago, when we had that big blow up, and you told me you hated me and you were thankful to God you weren't pregnant by my sorry ass?"

"Yes. I remember, and I'm sorry for being so brash. You know I was really upset." Lisa realized how reckless she must have come across. Even downright harsh.

"I know you were upset so you don't have to apologize for how you felt. But real talk though, Lisa, no matter how hardcore you were, the truth remains the same. However, you chose to say it, it was still a gut punch for me."

"I bet," Lisa blurted out. She placed her head in the palm of her hand and shook her head. "That was rude. I'm sorry. Go on."

"So, anyway after thinking about what you said and realizing that after all these years, the woman I love and have been with all this time would pretty much be devastated to find out she was pregnant with my child...it was like an aha moment for me. I had to see it for what it was. I know you love me, but that doesn't necessarily equate to you seeing me as someone you'd want to spend the rest of your life with or someone you'd picture yourself having a family with. As much as it hurts, I have to face that fact. But you know what, Lisa: I can be the man you need me to be, baby. I'll do whatever I have to do to prove it to you. I mean, I know a real woman wouldn't want a grown man acting like he's still in college, chasing skirts as you say." They both chuckled and Dirk continued.

"Bottom line is either I'm going to get myself together so we can build this relationship and move forward like adults, or we're gonna have to let this go and move on. Either way, I just want you to know I'm willing to do whatever I have to on my end. I know you deserve to be treated right and to have a man in your life that's going to be straight up. You're my jewel, baby. Like Jody said in Baby Boy, 'you ma rib.'" This time, they both burst out laughing. It was just like Dirk to incorporate humor into a tender moment. The entire exchange would have been insincere if he hadn't.

Dirk reached over and took Lisa's hand into his own, and he laid there, quiet as he stared at their entwined hands. She was lost in her own thoughts when seconds later, he leaned over and laid his head in her lap. She stared at the back of his head, tugging at several of his locks, thinking about how sincere he seemed. For so long, she had been pleading with him to share his heart with her, and up until this point, he had resisted, always using humor to spin her. It had been years since she'd felt so close to him.

With Dirk's head still in her lap, she placed her hand on his back, stroking it gently from side to side. She missed touching and being touched by him. Dirk moved up close to Lisa's midsection. Gripping her waist, catching her off guard. Lisa playfully pulled his hair, smiling at his gesture. Moments later, she noticed his breathing growing labored and tilted her head, wondering if she was hearing what she thought she was hearing. His heavy breathing progressed into full on crying. Instinctively, she pulled his arms from around her waist and took him into her arms.

"Oh, Dirk, it's okay," she spoke softly. "It's gonna be okay, baby. It's okay," Not long after, Dirk released her and laid back on the bed, now staring up at her. She wiped his tears with the sleeve of her pajama top, their eyes connected. He'd been so wrapped up in his own feelings he hadn't noticed that she too had been crying, Dirk used his large hands to wipe her tears away.

"You okay, Lisa?" Something about the way he asked implied that he didn't believe she was. She swallowed hard, nodding.

"Baby, it's okay. Just let it go. I know this has been hard on you."

His words seemed to grant her permission to let go. Lisa used her hands to cover her face and burst into tears. Now it was his turn to comfort her. He pulled her down on top of him, holding her tight as she cried in his arms.

"I'm so sorry I hurt you, Lisa. I'm so sorry, baby." Dirk whispered faintly into her ear. Gently stroking her back, he kissed her face over and over again. Eventually, Dirk pulled one of Lisa's pillows over and stuffed it under his head, while Lisa remained in his embrace, her head resting on his chest.

They lay there talking for hours about their relationship and how to get things back on track. Dirk was quick to take responsibility for most of their issues and took the time to provide insight into why he operated the way he did. For the first time, he shared with her how his uncle had taught him to see girls as more of a sport than something to be cherished, encouraging him to avoid being tied down prematurely.

The two laid there talking well into the morning. Dirk had never been so forthcoming and Lisa, completely mesmerized, took in everything he said. She loved hearing him pour out his soul, sure he had never been so genuine. They eventually fell into a spooning position, and as she dozed off, holding on to his arms wrapped around her, she thought of her earlier prayer, and for the first time in a great while, she felt hopeful.