I'm hoping that God looks away this time (ptv fanfic)

7. They say that this should feel something like fire

Tony's pov

The meet and greet seemed to drag, not that i don't enjoy meeting our fans, i love it more than anything but it's just that on this particular occasion i wanted only one person to walk through that door just to let my mind rest, she hadn't left my thoughts since we left the stage the girl from the crowd. I don't want to come across as some sappy love struck character from some old fashioned book because i know as much as the next guy that is complete bullshit that never comes true not in my life anyways. I don't want us to run off into the sunset on a white horse, i just wanted to help her get through what ever it is that's making her feel so down that she feels the need to harm her beautiful self mentally and physically. Little did she know one day she would regret the scars she leaves on herself both inside and out they would be a permanent reminder of a temporary situation. All i want to do is hug her and tell her she isn't alone in any of this. I just had to hope and pray that she was one on the few fans that managed to get meet and greet tickets they always sell out pretty quickly not that I'm complaining it makes us proud of how far we come in the last few years.

Signing a fans poster i suddenly got a weird feeling in my gut my head screaming for me to look up. How my body knew she was stood before me i will never know but when i look up i see her beautiful eyes scanning the room not yet  mine. Relief washes over me just knowing i would have another chance to let her know i cared she wasn't alone in any of this even if she knew just for tonight maybe it would stop her for a while doing what she will one day regret even thinking was the answer. She looks as if she would burst into tears at any moment looking down at her hands tugging at her jumper sleeves self-consciously. I glance down at her arms not quite believing someone who looks so gentle and innocent could be so broken and fragile. As i finally manage to tare my eyes away from her now covered arms my eyes lift up only to be met by her beautiful ones only this time an emotion fills them that i can't quite read a small nervous smile is placed on her lips i know she is trying to make herself look convincingly happy but i know more than most people when others are lying about what they feel. After a split second she lowers her eyes tugging at her jumper sleeves again a nervous habit of hers i guess... the whole top half of her body was covered by the jumper covering the marks of the tough world we live in from anyone who may glance down, without knowing you would just think she was another perfectly happy, pretty little fan girl but i knew behind that act was a fragile soul that just needed a shoulder to lean on every once in a while when the world knocks your strength for ten.

The group of fans in front of her disappear and so does her smile only to be replaced by a worried and nervous expression, as she slowly steps towards us she deposits the jacket that hides her true self into who i am assuming to be her brothers arms looking up at him briefly his expression mirrors one of confusion and worry due to her action. As she steps up to the table her hands are noticeably trembling as she attempts to keep her arms by her side in a ditched attempt to hide what litters her wrists and forearms, the blush that's present on her cheeks starts to grow more making her slightly pale face turn a rosy pink colour making her look only more adorable. Quickly glancing over at my fellow band member it's obvious they have noticed how nervous she is as well, it becomes even more obvious how nervous she is when she reaches the table and glances at us timidly until Vic embraces her in a tight, friendly hug whispering something in her ear no doubt it's something encouraging and sweet, the next thing that happens pulls at my heart string, when i hear a soft quiet sob escape her lips making it only slightly obvious what Vic has said has caused her walls to come crumbling down and for her to loose a fighting battle with herself letting her self cry in front of us. All i want to do is jump up and run over to her embrace her in a hug and never let her go protecting her from all the bad in the world, i let my hand rest on my jeans pocket that holds the two token i'm planning on giving her tonight nothing huge just something i hope will give her a little bit of strength to stay on this planet a little while longer hopefully enough time for me to show her she isn't alone i'm here with her from this day on. She pulls back from his embrace a small smile present on her lips, the words she speaks next shock not only me but us all evidently our mouths drop open when we hear to soft yet strong words... "Thank you for making the music you do, with out it i don't know where i would be today." Those words alone break my heart just to know that the only thing she feels is keeping her strong is our music is also fills me with a sense of pride to know that our music is making a impact on people. The tears flow slowly down her cheeks the small smile on her face has now disappeared leaving behind a trembling lip, she bites it nervously fighting back the tears before allowing a small unconvincing smile to light up her features ever so slightly. Vic signs her poster before passing it to Jaime, his warm smile as always present showing off his dimples as usual his confidence shows when he quickly takes her in his embrace next to me letting her small frame be engulfed by his bigger one his gentle words bring a small smile to my lips "Hey darlin' wipe those eyes you're to pretty to be sad" As always he always know just what to say to the fans to make them feel wanted but this time it doesn't work shockingly enough, she shakes her head wiping the smile off my face causing not only me bu the rest of the band to frown in obvious confusion her protest shocks us all breaking my heart a little bit more if that was possible "i'm sorry but that's just not true... how can someone with such a broken body be pretty at all?" That sentence just makes me want to prove her wrong right this second i'm not sure how i would do it but one day i will make her see she is beautiful inside and out. "If i was pretty then i wouldn't but bullied at school i wouldn't hate the way i look, i know you may feel the need to tell me i'm pretty but i can see the true person behind the walls" She finishes her argument with a hint of confidence in her voice which only adds to the sadness of the whole situation she has managed to convince herself that she is far from who she really is. Her eyes drop to the floor showing her anxiety about all of this we are all silent for a moment as Jaime signs her poster not quiet sure what to say which is surprising to say the least. i wish i didn't feel sympathy towards her because i know how it feels to only have people feel sorry for you and let me tell you it is one of the worst feelings in the world but i just can't shake the feeling off when i look at her, the emotion must be written across my face because i find her eyes looking at mine for a split second a flash of annoyance and sadness flashes across it meaning she noticed.

I guess it's time to put my plan into action... i pull her into a tight hug half out of reflex half out of knowing she will need to hear what i tell her while I'm hugging her so she can hear it without the others hearing me say it, i bend down slightly as i hug her due to her adorable shortness. I feel her relax slightly and bring her arms around me i lower my head so it is level with her ear and whisper what i have been hoping to say all day "I meant what i said earlier, please don't take it out on yourself, never fell alone enough to do that, i am always here for my fans..." i straighten up slightly and smile down at her with a small smile, her cheeks turn a light shade of pink as i nervously take the small object i saved for her out of my jeans pocket fumbling slightly, i hope she didn't notice that... when i have finally managed to fish the small triangle out of my pocket i take her hand in mine and place it in her palm closing her fingers around it causing my hand to wrap itself around her's slightly.saying my final words to her louder this time "Even if not in person i am" I pull her into a quick hug when i have given her time to look at the pick and back at me, my next action is swift and goes unnoticed by her and the others at least i hope they didn't notice... When she pulls away i look down at her smiling lightly the smile never leaving my lips while i watch her talk briefly to mike as he signs her poster and gives her a hug, we all pull her into a hug, she quickly pulls out her phone from her pocket handing it to her brother asking him to take a picture of us all together i swiftly make my way over to her right side and stand my arm resting beside hers, her fingers wrapped tightly around the pick i gave her as if she is scared to loosen her grip around it just in case she looses it, the rest of the guys pull in for a picture, in a split second it was over and she was slowly walking away her smile faltering when she gets to the door and looks back at us she closes her eyes and bites her lip as if trying to pull herself away from us. Eventually she walks away her head down and hand still wrapped tightly around the pocket i gave her... well the one she knows about that is all i have to do now is wait and see how long it takes for her to find the paper i put in her back pocket.

The rest of the meet and greet goes quickly, soon we are walking back towards the bus mike and Vic ahead while Jaime walks besides me a hue smile plastered across his face for no apparent reason at all curiosity got the better of my i turn my head and look at the smiling goof ball beside me and look at him trying to read any signs of explanation of why he could be so happy, i fail to find any not that it was very likely i would so i gave up and open my lips ready to ask him just as he turns to me smile only faltering a bit as he speaks what he says makes my cheeks flush red and words escape me "so what did you put in that girls pocket?" He saw me do that... crap he looks back at me a curious look on his face while i walk frantically trying to come up with a excuse for what he saw,

 "Look Tone you don't have to tell me i was just wandering what you're up to" He goes silent again giving me a knowing smile, thank god he dropped it i couldn't think of anything i could of said to explain what i did, i love the guys and trust them with everything but even i think that what i did was slightly strange and weird so i don't even know what anyone else is going to think let alone them i really hope this all goes to plan and she reads what i put and does what it says...

until then i will just have to wait and keep this a secret from the guys, that can't be to hard right?

hey guys sorry i haven't updated in a while i started school a couple of weeks ago and i have already got tones of work due to it being my final year and all but i am back and to make it up to u i have made this a little longer than normal hope you enjoy it as much as i like writing it.

p.s i am actually going to watch these guys in concert next year for my first ever concert so yeah that should be well fun to say the least.

ciara xx